Does Sex Need To Hurt Or Be 'bad' To Do It For You? What's This About?

[Tises]

Ovav,

That's what I resort to right now... Masturbation fills the void. But honestly, I worry that the guys I'm with will take it personally that they don't do *it* for me. I mean, you hear about how women fake it all the time in bed just to make their guy happy. I've never faked it. I've always hated the concept of faking it. I am seriously lost!?! If a guy can't do *it* for me, is his ego going to be crushed? Ugh, one guy I dated for a year and a half never could do it for me, and it seriously wore him down. Maybe I should have faked it? IDK! And for me, I can get off, and get off well in about 2 minutes when I masturbate. I've gone all night with a guy and never gotten anywhere near that. Ugh. I wish it was easy. Just tell someone no, its not your fault. I'm f*cked up because I was molested as a child. We can have fun but don't take it personally if you don't get me off. *seriously wants to bang head on wall*

 

[Wapupu]

I've recently discovered that I am desiring more and more lately to be punished, made to beg and I think it's because I feel I deserve to be punished for sutting ties with my family. I'm not sure how to resolve this, so it's probably a good place to start with therapy, but the idea of it in my fantasies really gets me hot. I'm not sure if I'd be doing myself emotional damage if I actually acted out these fantasies though?

 

[Wapupu]

Sorry, I meant cutting ties with my family. It's a shame we can't edit these posts for spelling mistakes.

 

[Vusiv]

Yeah my other half is the vanilla type too. It's frustrating because I know he's trustworthy, and I have no intention of throwing away our relationship for the sake of rougher sex. But honestly, I just can't orgasm without it hurting/being 'bad' in some way. So I'm kind of stuck. Should probably talk more openly about this with T etc, because I don't think it's particularly healthy. :cautious:

 

[Poha]

There are a tremendous number of kinky folks without PTSD. Nilla/kinkster relationships tank ALL THE TIME because of lack of, er, mutually enjoyable relations. I know I kept one married woman married at least a year longer for being her dirty little secret because hubster couldn't cut it in the bedroom.

I hadn't always realized how kinky I was until after my trauma. But it's got nothing to do with the PTSD. When I really looked, the roots of it were *always* there. It's possible that once I started doing the really, really deep, contemplative thing I just dug it out and let it free.

 

[Umi]

I'm so pleased to read what people are posting. Not that we're struggling with stuff, just makes me feel less, well, odd.

Is there a difference between people who generally 'get off' on pain / being rough and people who have a drive for it due to their trauma? For me, I think the difference is the shame and self loathing afterwards, and the risks involved in doing it (at times).

Not sure I'm explaining well. I mean, there's nothing wrong with anything between 2 consenting adults, nothing wrong with finding pain or humilation arousing if it's healthy. But, if it's related to the trauma and makes you feel bad afterwards - is this healthy and should we be protecting ourselves from it?

'Tises' - you are so great for sticking to you emotional honesty and not faking. I just fake, mostly as I still feel most of the time that other's emotions and feelings are more important than mine. How about masturbastion with a SO?

'Gosupa' really feeling for you. That's a pants situation. There is some stuff about shame driven thinking and self sabotage, damaging something that is good. Hope you manage to ease your guy somewhat out of his comfort zone. Depends how important pleasing you is perhaps. Something happened between me & my SO by accident which gave a urm...pretty impresive response from me which he loved, it made him more comfortable to do different stuff. BUT it still feels bad about 0.7 seconds afterwards, however good it is at the time. So, not healthy?

 

[Ome]

I know how you feel. I was heavily into the BDSM scene as a teenager and adult. I found it very hard to associate sex and love because of my trauma.

I actually started to like being tied up... it made me feel sick with myself as well. I think it was also part of self destruction.

I got out of that scene and am now vanilla so to speak. Married, family good job and am happy I survived that crap.

I think it is a sense of guilt, shame and self hatred that caused me to be like that in the past.

 

[Ohot]

I have chronic physical pain so if someone lightly touches me.... it does nothing for me. Because those light touches can't override the pain I always feel. I need to be GRABBED. I need brute force behind a touch otherwise I can't feel ANY type of enjoyment.

It's weird the only way I can get off is if I have someone to inflict pain to override the pain I always have. And that pain becomes pleasurable to me. (Damn I don't even know if that sentence makes sense)