Does This Time Of Year Remind You Of How Lonely You Are?

[Abstract]

Yesterday evening I was hit my a solid wall of pain. I think I am too afraid to really look at what it consists of. I haven't put up Christmas decorations for 2 years now. I think it might be that it opens up too much or the things I miss with family and at the same time reminders of all the things I would rather avoid. Sorrow at needing to be distant for my safety and sorrow that things couldn't be different. And surrounded by the appearance of happiness and relationships in every direction.

Hugs to you all.

 

[intothelight]

I can't say this year reminded me of how "lonely" I am. Actually being by yourself in the isolation room of a hospital is about as alone as it gets. What strikes me most is how "lost" so much of my family seems.

I think the thing that hurts me is now how "lost" everyone is. Even in some of the worst of times, I had enough wherewithal to hold it together, and with the help of my Dad, the joy of Christmas could be felt and the hope of something better to come.

Time to put this back on track.

 

[KatB]

Without a shadow of a doubt, this year reminds me EXACTLY on how lonely I feel. Someone said it here, that going to someone else's place for the holidays makes them feel out of place since its not their home or usual tradition.

Those are the words that I wish I can JUST tell people, my family. I feel like a fish out of a bowl. I am really sick and tired on how just "lost" my family is about everything, about me. Nothing should come as a surprise, yet it hit thems like walking into a brick wall.

Intothelight, I took some of your words as my own and I am sorry for how much we can relate. Our families seem so clueless to the truth. Nothing but bad memories linger in my head. I don't really seek pity from others; at times I feel like people are just trying to be nice because they know some truth of my hectic life. All that I look for is just acceptance of the real me. Even that, is hard to show because if truth were told how the good child of mommy has really transformed,they would not want to stick around. You know what? I am just sick and tired of giving this image of the perfect child,its like bulls---. I am just tired, fed up and all I freaking want is my conscience back and my purity cleansed from all the stupid garbage I've lived through. Some people just don't know how real ugly things get and they just want you to be tough and keep trying; I am not tough. I am just a human being figuring out how superhuman I am not.

 

[saffy]

Hi All

I hope you are all well and have survived this time of year for what ever reasons. :hug:

And hugs for those who might have had something negative happen. :)

I have only just managed to get back on line, due to the signal nothing else. Since last being on here I have not really seen anyone at all and spent most of my time on the settee with a drink, smoke, munchies and DVDs.

It gave me a lot of thinking time. One thing I realised was how brainwashed I am to think certain things. Like, for instance, I cannot just turn up somewhere uninvited and even when invited I am very wary of the motive, hence the pity invite. My instincts were right on that one at least ;)

I can now remember the, 'you are not allowed to go round' comments about everything or 'they will not want you around there', or 'they are not interested in what you have to say' or 'they have only invited you because they want something from you'.

This coupled with those hateful, disapproving looks she always had. Hearing this constantly from a young age it does make you confused about stuff. Waiting for an invite that might never come. So what if you do not get genuine invites either? how do you feel comfortable enough just to turn up? or be the host?

I invite people for a pint now and again but just cannot handle people in my house. I get really uncomfortable and anxious, start to talk crap, really fast and fijit. I can remember never being allowed to have anyone in when I was living with them (mother and stepfather).

On the one occasion a friend did come in she said the atmosphere was so thick you could cut it with a knife. After all they were all my slaggy friends (even though they never new them and let me out to hang out with them anyway, as long as I was not on the way of their cosy little group)

I also realised that I was never included or allowed to join in any conversations, I was to be seen and not heard. Is it no wonder I have no conversational skills then. I was also never introduced to anyone.

I have no idea who my other family are, cousins, uncles, aunts etc. She even tried to stop me having a relationship with her parents. At least I had a bit of respect for them although even they were stuck in the 50's with their attitudes.

I also realised that up until she was about 12 she was a spoilt only child and then her brother came along and he was the new favourite. Ironically I was the only child and she always justified her actions and stopping me becoming a spoilt brat. Boy did she get that bit wrong.

I guess it is all becoming a lot clearer, the conditioning and manipulating venom she would spill. I have identified these triggers but have no idea how to overcome them because you need to be able to build meaningful relationships in order to feel accepted for who you are. However, if you have no idea who you are what can they accept?

Just needed to let that lot out.

Thanks for all the posts it seems that there is a lot of understanding with these feelings. Group Hug everyone

:hug:

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Britt.f7]

Saffy, old messages are difficult to stop hearing no matter how much older we have gotten, or how logical we have become. I know I hear old messages all the time and try to out think them to no avail(most of the time).

I would hate being without a computer. This is my main outlet. That and I know my kids would not stop complaining!

 

[Hashi]

I agree with Britt. It's hard to get past our conditioning or even to see it for what it was. It sounds like you've had some helpful realisations, although they seem painful too.

I wanted to let you know that I read what you wrote and can relate to a lot of it.

 

[saffy]

try to out think them

I get what you are saying Britt.f7 :)

Although I cannot think them out. It is part of my behaviour, ingrained and part of my thinking process. I know I am being irrational about it but cannot bring myself to try something else. I have no idea how too or what to do.

I have also become aware how little guidance, support or protection I had, have.

The more I sit and think about the people who surround me the more I recognise how f*cking self absorbed and egotistical they really are.

I do not think I will ever be in the position to just trust their motives. I think this has be made clear over the last three weeks at least.

I will be looking to move to pastures new. But where I do not know. I know when I get there though that after the initial honeymoon period I will feel out of place.

I have never had that sense of belonging.

Some patterns will get repeated, But it is better than sitting here in perpetual grey.

Maybe I was meant to be a nomad ;)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Akili]

I choose not to celebrate any holidays and I love it! I do get reminded of how lonely I am at times.

 

[Changing4Best]

Yes, Saffy, I got one Christmas Dinner invitation to my Pastor's house because I begged him to find some folks that would be willing to have me then. He offerred. After I'd been there maybe 3 hours, I realized he was getting edgy, so I asked if it was maybe time for him to give me a ride back home (I have no car, cannot drive due to my disabilities, etc.). He agreed then and took me home. Other than that, I don't even feel like going out. It is cold outside, so I just stay in the house and even keep my jammies on.

There is one lady who comes by once a week or so to see if I need a ride to the grocery, which I usually do. This too is a pity or charity act on her part, but I am not to proud to take her up on it. Especially in this cold weather!

I don't even bother cleaning up my house or even straightening it up anymore. Why bother, no one comes to visit anyway! So, yes, Saffy, I'm with ya.

And to make matters even worse, many folks are obviously out and about away from this Forum, as it is much quieter than usual. That means not all of us are alone, though many of us may also be getting pity invitations too.

Hang in there. Pretty soon the holidays will be over. Then we can just be our usually lonely selves, not holiday lonely anymore. I agree though, the holidays just seem to drive the point home more deeply, making it ten times worse!!!

 

[Britt.f7]

Maybe I was meant to be a nomad

I hope not. :) It's okay to move on. When I was in my twenties I really limited my time with my family. I think I still do to a point.

Old messages stink. They still creep in when I less expect it. My husband will remind me from time to time that that is what is happening. I think he wishes he could go back and quiet the people who said them in the first place.

I really wish you the strength to get through this. I remember how difficult, but empowering, it was when I did this.

This too is a pity

I think it is important for us to realize that not everything that is done for us is out of pity or some sort of self sacrifice. Sometimes it is just because they have good in them. I know that the nice things I have done have not been out of pity. Giving rides, picking things up for others, etc. Sometimes, yes, I may feel bad for the person, but not always. Doesn't it teach us in the Bible, which I am only bringing up because I know you read it, that we should be kind to others?

I believe that in thinking that others are doing kind things for us out of "pity" shows how little our self esteem is. Frankly I do this from time to time to, but I really am trying to give people more credit.

 

[Changing4Best]

Britt, you may well be right. I did not originally take my pastor's invitation as a pity one, but more of something that he did, because I asked him, and because he cares about my welfare. He did say that he wished more of our attendees were like me, going to church almost every Sunday without fail. That touched me and made me know that I am appreciated.

My friend who gives me rides to the store, she has a sister whose had a stroke that she cares for. She is just a good person. I do feel that she comes to help me out of charity, but I think the word pity cheapens it beyond what I intended, now that you discussed it further.

I will think of things in a better light from now on, thanks. I know I am just kind of down today, so my outlook has been jaded a bit, I think. I've got cabin fever...

 

[Britt.f7]

I've got cabin fever...

That always gets to me too. I think it makes things worse, even when it is self imposed. I hope I didn't sound harsh. I didn't mean to be. I hope things start looking up for you!