Does This Time Of Year Remind You Of How Lonely You Are?

[Queen Boudica]

I guess it is all becoming a lot clearer, the conditioning and manipulating venom she would spill. I have identified these triggers but have no idea how to overcome them because you need to be able to build meaningful relationships in order to feel accepted for who you are. However, if you have no idea who you are what can they accept?

Just needed to let that lot out.

Thanks for letting that out Saffy. I feel I relate to so much you have written. Particularly that last paragraph.

My mother once told me the only reason my friends were friends with me was because I was white and they were black and wanted to be with a white girl who of course was far superior. This was when I was about 17, before I was such an outcast and bullied at school I never invited friends home.

When I was younger my sister and I were rarely allowed on play dates or inviting other kids round because she never approved of the other kids. And the ones she did allow, who were my sisters friends, they bullied me and made fun of me, she still slagged off and complained how bad mannered and rude they were. Not that I had many friends anyway until I was about 16. I could barely talk and socialise I was so quiet.

Then, when my sister got mentally ill and I would come home from uni at weekends to be with them I was attacked for wanting to go out a few times with my friends in the evening. I should stay at home and get my priorities right and look after my sister. How could I be so selfish.

I was not allowed to date. Boys were only after one thing and none of them were good enough anyway. So I never had a boyfriend until I went to Uni and he was the one I married. I was scared of boys and I thought I was so hideous that any boy who looked at me was looking at me because I was so ugly. Any boy I was attracted to I did not know how to interact with and behave with. So, when I got some attention from, what turned out to be my abusive ex husband, of course I took anything he was willing to give me.

My mother had friends and then they would become her enemies. She would have fights with them in front of me and expect me to support her. Even when she was friends with them she was constantly slagging them off to me. She had a group of Spanish friends when we were very young and we would play with their kids. Then there was a big fight and we stopped seeing them. I lost the only kids I was allowed to play with. I was only 4. We were sometimes friends with neighbours and they had kids, but then she fought with them and we were not allowed to play with them. Nobody was ever good enough anyway, she always slagged them off even when she was friendly with them.

Oh yes, and one set of those kids, were brother and sister and she told me all about how they were caught together playing mummy's and daddy's and how it was all the fathers fault because he would let them see him in bed naked.

One neighbour she cleaned house for and I was friends with the younger son for a while. My mother was constantly criticising the mother and telling me how disgusting and filthy she was, how she could not keep her house clean. And then the neighbours husband left her and came back again and my mother told me how the neighbour had to do disgusting, unatural sexual acts and behave like a prostitute to get him back. I was about 6 years old and playing with her son. We moved soon after that, my mother had so many fights with all of the neighbours she no longer wanted to live in that area.

She wouldn't even let my friends refer to me with the name I like going by which is Liz, she would tell them off. Even one time I was working part time selling shoes and the manager phoned and she told him off for calling me Liz. My name was supposed to be Elizabeth because that is what she christened me as and I was her possession through and through. I was not supposed to have an identity of my own.

Now I have a couple of friends who are nice to me but I too never know really what is acceptable, I still end up feeling out of place and only there because they feel sorry for me and I will, sooner or later do something to annoy them.

Sorry, that bought back a whole load of memories. You are absolutely right. With all that conditioning and manipulation and venom, it is so hard to figure out who you are and to make any sort of meaningful relationship.

 

[saffy]

Sorry, that bought back a whole load of memories. You are absolutely right. With all that conditioning and manipulation and venom, it is so hard to figure out who you are and to make any sort of meaningful relationship.

Thanks for sharing Lizio, I can understand a lot of what you have said.

Going back to you being the only white girl, My mum and step dad was adamant that if I brought a black man home I would be disowned. They are such bigots. I am so confused about what to do, I once got asked out by a really nice Jamaican but declined, not because of his colour but I did not fancy him, after I questioned myself, was it that I just did not fancy him or was it their comments that made me not fancy him? no idea, but said No politely because of it.

I tend to doubt my own thinking, is it me or is it the conditioning?

I know not being able to just turn up somewhere is. I just cannot relax unless I have been invited properly and that has to get past my paranoia as well :wacky:

I haven't any sisters or brothers so cannot comment on that area sorry. But I can understand how shitty it feels to be the brunt of taunts and laughs.


I am going in for a back operation soon and when filling in the forms they asked who would bring me and pick me up and stay at my house with me for a while, I could not think of anyone, not one single person. How sad is that ;) I am going to have to lie about it to get the op done.

Now I have a couple of friends who are nice to me but I too never know really what is acceptable, I still end up feeling out of place and only there because they feel sorry for me and I will, sooner or later do something to annoy them.

I feel like this. I reckon it is because we were not taught these skills, there were no boundaries, she wouldn't care where I was or who I was with, as long as I was not in the way of her and step dads cosy little life. In fact I was on a bit of self destruction for years when it came to sex, drugs and drink. Apparently this is normal for those suffering with mental illnesses? who knows, I suppose at least I was not on suicide watch. (I even F*cked that up quite a few times, no body even noticed anyway so that is good, my little secret)

She always thought she was better than anyone else too, sounds like your mum eh?. also very manipulative. I can not understand how someone can sit and slag someone off then sit with them in the next breath having a cuppa?

Hence I cannot stand two faced backstabbers and gossipers. It is all to confusing?

I just remembered as well one sentence that will never leave me, My nan, who I thought was an ally, said after my second child was born and the father ran off, quote; 'no one will ever want you now, who will want you and two kids?' Well that stuck and that is what I still think now.

It also reminded me of what she always said about my estranged father, being told that he did not want me or have anything to do with me was a bit of a kick in the face. I still believe she only kept me out of spite for him, not out of concern about him. I used to beg her to put me into care or boarding school, she would laugh at that. She would always see any feelings, emotions or opinions from me as just looking for attention.

I guess it is all about self esteem, which I lack in buckets full. How do you raise your self esteem?

Then we can just be our usually lonely selves, not holiday lonely anymore.

Boy, I hope not :( Sheila. I plan on moving on and trying again, I am not giving up as I want to believe that there is someone out there for everyone. I will keep on trying.

PS, Happy new year 2013 everyone, Lets try and make it better :)

best wishes

Saffy :)

 

[Changing4Best]

Saffy, I've been lonely all my life, even in crowded areas and with my hubby watching TV in the same room as me. (I'd be on my computer, chatting with friends). Lonliness is a state of mind. It is a feeling of being unloved, misunderstood and rejected most of one's life (for me).

You see, I was born as both a girl and a boy. THis happens to 2 out of every 1000 or so babies. They surgically removed my maleness and supported my femaleness. But every cell in my body is STILL both male and female. So no one really ever understands me and (tears here) I don't know anyone personally who was born with this condition. I even joined a forum for folks like me, but I could not even relate to them! (We are termed intersexed by doctors, if you care to look this up or something).

Being PTSD only exacerbates all the above.

 

[saffy]

I even joined a forum for folks like me, but I could not even relate to them!

That sounds so confusing and you must feel lost sometimes.

I know how it feels to be sitting in a crowd and still feel lonely.

One thing that helped me is that I decided that I was not bothered whether they understood me or not, I realised that they were not any where near the top of my important to me scale, therefore, I am not wasting any energy on people who are not genuine.

That lifted a huge weight for me, when I did not care what they thought, I did not feel the need to be a certain person or to explain myself all the time or to consider them when I don't really need to.

I learnt to listen to my emotions rather than bloke them or run from them. When someone made me feel less a person I had the power to decide for me that I did not want that person in my life at all, FLUSH :) I could concentrate on what and who made me happy, if anyone? I also decided that I would be happier focusing on my self on my own rather than surrounded by people who make me feel uncomfortable all the time. Why should I punish myself more. I can not be in my truth with people like that.

This is a daily thing for me, I have to remind myself so I do not drop again.

I also realised, it is not that I am on my own that makes me feel down and disappointed, it is the feeling of being let down and not considered especially at times of the year when we are force fed 'the family' the good ole Christmas feeling' makes me feel angry if anything. The hypocrites.

So yes I think that caused the emotion pain rather than actually being alone. I do like my own company , I can at least do what I like with no conditions or judgemental comments ;)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Tanishq]

Last year sure I felt loneliness. This year, I think I am going to make some connections offline life. It feels like storm is going to be over. I have heard when storm is about to finish, it goes more wild.

 

[Changing4Best]

Thanks, Saffy, I appreciate your advice. Guess what, the lady that gives me a ride to church offered to "suggest" to this fellow I'd like to be friends with that I'm lonely and wouldn't it be nice if maybe he invited me out for coffee "dutch." I was delighted that she would offer to do such a thing and said, "Yes, go ahead." and to please do that for me. If nothing comes of it, oh well... But if something does, that'd be great!

 

[saffy]

If nothing comes of it, oh well... But if something does, that'd be great!

ooaaahh! make sure you have fun and keep us posted then:)

Saffy :hug:

 

[saffy]

I have heard when storm is about to finish, it goes more wild.

Never heard of that Jaret :)

Although when you think of calm before the storm then I suppose this could make sense in a behavioural sense.

I would think it means that anything new will seem wild before it seems quite again, so try to keep grounded.

I always think calm before storm means holding back quietly before letting rip when things get too much.

So if someone is abnormally quite it normally denotes that they will be shouting to get it out at one point in the near future. If something feels wild and your emotions are alert then at some point it all calms down and becomes the norm or you loose interest. :geek:

I've seen this and done this so I suppose it has truth.

You sound so positive, so get out there and connect :hug:

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Tanishq]

Never heard of that Jaret :)

Saffy, If someone asks where did you hear it? Don't tell Jaret told you, say Jaret has heard from himself. So...They will understand :D

:hug: