Does Work Make Us More Ill Or Help Us To Get Better ....

[Hemels]

**Warning may contain Triggers***

I'm recently rather confused on my situation with my work place. I am unsure whether (even thought my therapist said my work is an up for me) it actually does me any good.

I'll explain - 5 weeks ago I ended up going off on sick after being sent home from work by my boss. I wasn't very well with my C-PTSD and BPD. I was very distant, very depressed, self harming, suicidal, agressive and worse of all was inconsolable by anyone. It got to a point where my fiancee decided to call 999 and get an ambulance out because my behaviour was hard for him to cope with. Now two days before this sudden relapse in my health I was at work on a normal Monday morning and was speaking to my manager regarding my wages. I was due to get a wage increase back in April and still mid October nothing had been done about it. On this peticular day I had decided to finally put in a greviance regarding my wages. I got very upset as I really didn't want to take this step, but never the less I slowly felt better. Durring the course of that Monday after I took that step my moods were all over the place. I couldn't control them. Tuesday was the same (according to my b/f and work colleagues) I was unaware that my moods were changing so rapidly. Wednesday morning came and I just flipped my lid - hense why I got sent home.

I was off work for a full 4 weeks, the last 2 weeks were the hardest where I spent most of my time pineing to come back to work. The longer I spent off work the worse I felt. Bordom makes my mind run wild - It's flashback hell :mad: Work keeps me busy and stops my mind runnning away with itself. Eventually the day came when my doctor confirmed I was stable enough to return to work and I was over the moon. I have only been back in work 1 week and my moods are starting to become shakey like they did 5 weeks ago. I realise this is mostly down to my BPD but when that starts it sets off my C-PTSD too and I feel a little like I dunno if I'm coming or going :wall:

Does anyone else find work to be a hinderance or a help?

I really cannot put my finger on it due to when I'm in work it can tip me over but yet when I'm at home I pull my hair out for pineing to be at work due to bordom :dontknow:

 

[Pixie]

Hi Hemels

A few thoughts about my experience when I finally stopped working. I hope it helps!

I had such a hard time when I finally stopped working at the end of June this year. Like you said, the hardest thing is the mind running wild and flashbacks all over the place. The first 6 weeks were a waking nightmare because everything that I had been doing to avoid everything was now taken from me and I was left with nothing to distract me. All I could think of was going back to work for some sort of relief (even though the very workplace triggered me terribly) and I even begged my boss to let me come back but he saw right through that and encouraged me to keep going and that this would ultimately help me.

After 6 weeks of hell, it gradually became better. I found things to fill my day.

I am now very grateful to not be working right now as I have the time and space to take my time with it. The initial explosion was awful but I am much better off not being there right now. :thumbs-up

Hope this helps.

Pixie

 

[Hemels]

Thanks Pixie for your reply, I see where you are comin from. I don't like admitting it but deep down inside I didn't really want to come back to work. Even though I enjoy it and have fun with my work colleagues it is hard work to keep my head stable sometimes. The guys I work with, I know only have a laugh, but sometimes what they say to me is hurtful and with my 2 conditions it is really really hard for me to shrugg it off and laugh about it and not take it to heart. I find myself hurting lots as I take things they say to me serious, even though I sit there and say over and over in my head - "They don't mean it nasty" It still hurts.

I came back to work for a few reasons, those being -

* Money - Ofcourse the main issue here, me and my b/f really cannot afford for me to stay off on sickness leave, we are already scraping the bottom of our purses with me working. Me staying off just doesn't seem to be a viable option.
* Bordom - Like I said in my previous post, the more bored I am the worse I feel with flashbacks, anxiety etc.
* Loneliness - I find even though the guys at work can be very hard to deal with, being at home is worse. I hate sitting with just me and my head, the things it says to me and tells me to do are so horrible I like others to drown the noises in my head out. :crazy:

Hemmy xXx

 

[Deleted member 541]

You are probably using work as an avoidance tool, so that you don't have to think about the real issues. Your trauma. A lot of people do this/have done this, myself included. I used to work, work, work, and then I would work some more, just so I wouldn't think.....

You get caught up in this, and even a few days off can send you into a spiral, and then you NEED to get back to work.

If you aren't in therapy, I suggest that you look into it. Working on your trauma can alleviate this, but you first need to figure out, if you are using work to avoid......

It's also the possibility, that you need time off, because you are not coping well at all.....

 

[Pixie]

Hemmy, have you had a good look at your options? Depending on where you are, there may be some kind of temporary disability type thing you could go on to help with the money situation. I am able to get that through my superannuation fund. When it gets approved (whenever that is!) they will cover 75% of what I would normally earn if I continued to work in my current job...

Just... have a look at your options. You might be surprised. :smile:

Pixie

 

[Grama-Herc]

I don't know whether work make us better or worse, but I do know it saved my life. I was working for my doctor when my break down arrived. They had watched me for months decline in my mental stability, and finally gave me an option. Get help or get fired. I owe my life to my work.

Sometimes people on the "outside/edges" of our life see things we/our family do not. It is these people who can be the greatest help if given the chance.

I think the answer to your question is an individual one. It may help some people, but IMHO, I think it is to much stress and pressure on a PTSD sufferer. Remember, our glass is already half full with PTSD, therefore it can not hold as much.

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

I definately use work as an avoidance tool. In fact I work WAY too many hours and then wonder why I am physically and emotionally exhausted.

When I'm home and not at work - my depression is worse - when I'm working my anxiety is higher (my job is beyond stressful which doesn't help any).

I do wish that I didn't have to work though if I'm being completely honest - I feel like I could do something less stressful and less structured to help the depression and get me out of the house - unfortunately it's not an option right now.

 

[Nicky31]

Hi Hemels

I can understand how you might be feeling. I too have had a terrible time with work. I was off for about 6 months, while they tried (or didn't try) to deal with my situation. I had to put in a formal grievance for them to do this. I am now on grievance number 2 because they are failing to make reasonable adjustments. Whatever the reason for you raising a grievance and pay sounds like a sensible one to me, it can be a daunting and scary thing to challenge and confront.

I admire your bravery for tackling this along with living with your conditions and the tough time that you have been having. Many more would choose to walk away.

Although I have had a lot of time off work, I have been able to stay in touch with people- sometimes erratically if at all, but I also maintained some interests. One thing that has helped more than anything, is the charity work that I have continued to do. This has been possible because I have been able to determine how and when I would do thi, it has kept me in touch with people in a safe, supportive environment and I have felt useful and valued. Work has compounded my condition without question, and it is my support and interests outside, that have helped with the healing.

 

[Hemels]

You are probably using work as an avoidance tool, so that you don't have to think about the real issues. Your trauma.

Do you Know what She Cat I think you are right! When I am sat alone, quiet I don't like it since I have too many flashbacks, too much noise of voices in my head and the only thing that seems to make me feel better is to ignore them by keeping myself busy. Unfortunately when I am off work I have all this free time to myself, which I dunno what to do with and I find myself sitting there bored with my mind in overdrive.

Any ideas how I can work around this? I do have a therapist but because I recently was diagnosed with BPD ontop of C-PTSD my therapist only deal with PTSD so she is refering me to one that can deal with both. Which again means more waiting :crazy:

Hemmy, have you had a good look at your options? Depending on where you are, there may be some kind of temporary disability type thing you could go on to help with the money situation.

I had a brief look into it whilst I was off but since I was kinda out of it I don't remember much of what it said - nor did I chase it up with my local social security office. But I will go do that see what my options are, since I was only informed I could get SSP (Staturary Sick Pay) but like you said maybe disability?

I'm Glad to hear that work was an upside for you Grama :smile: I want my work to be an upside for me - Hoping that I can get some balance between work and my conditions - Then i'll be happy :smile:

Hemmy xXx

 

[Fortress]

I don't know what I would do if I couldn't work. My symptoms get much worse if I am idle, and I appreciate working in an environment that does not trigger me. I need a place to feel "normal."

That said, I really don't feel at all comfortable giving you advice about this; you have to do what feels right for you in the long run.

Thinking Of You,
Fortress

 

[Deleted member 541]

To be quite honest Hemels, I had to LEARN to be selfish, and LEARN to relax. I need to take time for ME, and I would force myself to be quiet. Whether reading a book, watching tv, or taking a long hot bubble bath. I would force myself.

The selfish part came in, because I would never do these things before. I just never stopped. I would just work, work, work....So I had to learn that I was important, and needed time for ME. I think this is vital in recovery for some people. We really don't take quality time for us, and we NEED too.

I'm not talking about time shut up, because we are triggered, upset, or avoiding. I'm talking about time to enjoy the simple things. To wallow in it for those few minutes, to FEEL how good it can be when we believe that we truly deserve some ME time.

The rest of the world has ME Time, so why would we thing we are not allow that pleasure?????

So, this was how I started to avoid work. I grew to love my ME time, and eventually I expected it......Try it, it may just be the ticket for you too....BTW, I still do work, but I work fairly normal hours now, I work for myself, and I am trying to say NO, in my job, when I don't want to do added hours. I am still in the learning process with that one.....

 

[Hemels]

Thank you for that She Cat - I will certainly try to force myself in having some ME time. When I was reading your post it made me smile, just to read that you care about your ME time and that you think I deserve it too made me smile. OFCOURSE I deserve it - You are right - :occasion:
Thank you

Hemmy xXx