Poll Does Your Family Neglect You Emotionally?

[Philippa]

I love what you said saffy, and yes, I came to the same conclusion. Just because you treat others the way you want to be treated, does not mean they will do the same and actually treat you that way. Now I don't take any shit from anyone. Even bosses who try and pull one over me ad use fear to control, I will prefer to walk away from a well paying job than submit to their bullying. Interestingly, when I stand up to them, rather then firing me, they tend to respect me more.

 

[saffy]

Interestingly, when I stand up to them, rather then firing me, they tend to respect me more.

Ah, The power of asserting your needs changes everything doesn't it. Knowing you have the right to do that really helps too. :)

I am learning to stand up for me now and yes it does change peoples perception of me from door matt to someone who expects to be treated with respect, especially because, where warranted, I always give it.

Before I thought I had to be respectful and submissive no matter what they threw at me. Not any more though :)

Feels great doesn't it. Personal power.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Philippa]

Yes, it took some time to transform it from submissive to assertive, but it was worth the investment. Personal power ROCKS!

 

[Changing4Best]

My choice I guess has been to distance myself from them, but they did this with me first I think. None the less, distancing myself will ease the sorrow and pain of their doing so to me. I know I cannot depend upon them for any real support, monetary, emotional or otherwise. I'm lucky if I get a phone call from one of them in a month and an email from the other. The third and last of my family does neither, and I rarely call him either, we've never been close. But the other two, there were times when we were much closer and so it does hurt, but it is the only way I can see to lessen the hurt.

I also expect nothing from them at this point, so if I do get anything at all, I am pleasantly surprised!

 

[saffy]

I think it is always about personal choice and not about misguided 'duty' in the end Sheila :)

I chose to disown family members who made my life worse instead of better, that was my choice and when I made it a decided to stick to it, it freed up so much head room, before the worry and anguish of having to be 'nice' to them because I was expected to was just too much to bear. I am now free of them and I do not miss them at all, so what does that tell me, I definitely do not need them in my life or I would miss them :)

If I was to turn this around and demand that they should be 'dutiful' parents then I will be very disappointed indeed, and this has been proved I have felt disappointed and let down by them all my life. :)

Being assertive to the other two who you were close to might work better than distancing yourself, but emotionally you have to be strong enough to do that. Like all relationships it takes work on both sides otherwise it will feel one sided and cause bitterness and the feeling of rejection. I think you should do what ever you can to make you feel safe and happy and if that means you choose distance yourself at the moment then that is what is best for you.

If you are hurting though it shows that you care and you might want a relationship with the those two only, but it must be on your terms with equal respect and when you are strong enough to do that.

I know getting things that are not expected is always a cause to smile :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Changing4Best]

If you are hurting though it shows that you care and you might want a relationship with the those two only, but it must be on your terms with equal respect and when you are strong enough to do that.

THey are both too busy to be bothered, one is a school teacher full-time AND a barmaid part-time. The other is going to college and she is aged 65! She sayes that she wants her degree, now that her kids have theirs. She has a degree, she's an RN! I asked her what job she expected to get with this degree that she probasbly won't finished getting until she is 90! (One course each semester). She said she'd have more credentials and could write articles and have them accepted more easily. (She is studying Health Management).

The bottom line is that they just don't have time to be bothered with me. So, I find better company with a neighbor, who just invited me upstairs while I was writing this. Later! ;)

 

[aka]

I do believe that my family does not fully give me the emotionally support I need. I think my parents think that if they give me more emotional support i will use it as an excuse to not deal with life. My T says that I make a big deal of interactions that really don't mean anything. Not sure if this is completely true I mean what do I do with the hurt I feel from these interaction? I am done burying it so I have been trying to talk to them but they just close down and stop talking to me. I know that they love me but I really starting to see that they really don't understand me.

Here is an example: I came home from an appointment with my T upset. My parents asked why I was upset and I told them and when I finished they just sat there looking at the tv. I then voiced by displeasure with such a response and got looked at like I had grown a second head and they told me that they had noded there heads. I went on to say I did not think that was a response and my mother said that it was defiantly time for me to go back to school (because I had school the next day and had been on break for three days). I walked out at that point pretty upset.

So if I am overreacting about this interaction someone please tell me cause I really think they could have handled it better.

 

[Changing4Best]

So if I am overreacting about this interaction someone please tell me cause I really think they could have handled it better.

I think they could have given you a lot more support, and I also know from past experience that TV sucks one's attention (and life) right down the drain. If they had not been watching it, you might have gotten better support.

My husband stayed glued to the TV from the moment dinner was done until he dropped into bed exhausted at 3AM each night. Then he would get up at 6AM or 8AM. He was retired, but he said he never needed as much sleep as I. He neglected me terribly due to his TV addiction. I daresay that the American public in general is addicted to TV and they have no clue that they are.

I hate TV with a passion! I don't even own one. I resent what it did to my marriage so much that I'd like to blow one up! Not really, but that is the kind of emotion I feel towards the dang thing. I mean REALLY! It is just a box. Yet folks treat it like it is more important than life. My GOSH! But they just CAN'T miss their favorite show, and they have a different one each night. In my hubby's case, his was a Police Show that had great car chase scenes. He LIVED for those. I think he was a frustrated Nascar driver in his heart and soul. He sure drove like one!

OK, I'll get off my soap box now ;).

 

[saffy]

Hi Sheila

It does not sound the 65 sister is doing it to go further in a career but more to occupy and entertain her own mind and keep her spirits up. Lots of people decide to 'train' in something else later in life, but this could be more about using the mind rather than sitting at home feeling that they are no use to anyone.

It would be like a hobby more than a vocation, I want to go and study hypnosis, but not because I think I want to go out at my age and do that as a career but more than to fill the time doing something I am interested in.

Your other sister sounds very busy with her life too. It does not mean that they do not have time for you. You have to make time for each other and plan times together rather than expecting just to drop in and they will be there immediately for you.

Maybe your neighbour likes and needs the company too and her life is much more quiet that she has lots of time to have people over for a cuppa. If she suddenly started a new hobby or course you might not see as much of her either. But that is not because they do not have time for you that is because they are getting on with things they enjoy in life.

I hope you find some time for your sisters so that you feel more part of their lives.
Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Philippa]

aka, I've had the same experience of being extremely upset and in tears, sobbing and distressed, and having both my brothers and father literally ignore me in the car and continue talking as if I didn't even exist. I know that one very well, and yes they definitely could have given you more support. Instead they tried to make you look like you were the one being stupid and annoying for even asking for more than a nod. If they think a nod is sufficient support emotionally, then it just shows how emotionally intelligent they are not. But that goes for most people, so...

Sorry that was your experience though. It makes me mad to think about it and be reminded of those times when I was also neglected emotionally. There were too many to count here. I'm sure I've forgotten many of them too. They were just swept under the rug as though it didn't even happen, or matter.

 

[Changing4Best]

I called my sister today, left her a nice message and she never called back. Usually she does call me back, unless she is out of town or something. Somehow I doubt she was out of town though, but who knows with her, she has been so out of touch lately!

 

[saffy]

Well done Sheila :)

Don't assume though, you are over thinking things and jumping to conclusions ;)

Don't worry, I do it also, but am getting better ;)

best wishes
Saffy :)