Doing My Best At Pushing T Away

[Reds]

I've been going through some difficult time this past few days, my t has been really kind and giving me all the support I need. Now, here's a sad story of my life: the kinder you are to me the horrible I will be to you. I know that doesn't sound good, but I find that every time I'm going through a difficult time I tend to push away those who are kind to me. My mind twists every positive, good and kind thing said to me and finds the negative in it.
I have been taking it all out on my t, and she has done absolutely nothing wrong. She sent me an email to confirm our appointment for this week and I replied by saying I will not be needing her services anymore and that she should stop contacting me.
I feel really bad, that I'm this mean to the one person who's supported me through a lot. I know I do need to have my session this week because I'm not doing well, but how do I now confirm the session after saying that I would not be needing her. I know I will have to contact her and apologize for my behavior but I'm just too embarrassed.
Why do I push away people who are kind to me? I'm just feeling like I'm a bad person, that maybe I don't deserve any kindness.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I don't think your therapist is kind to you. She is not doing you any favors by carrying on the toxic relationship you have together. None of this makes you a bad person. I do encourage you to get therapy/help somewhere else so you can work on your healing.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Now, here's a sad story of my life: the kinder you are to me the horrible I will be to you.

Do you know, why you act like this?

 

[Deleted member 28812]

I maybe completly wrong but have you lost somebody who ment much to you so that you now are afraid you to have somebody close again out of fear of losing him or her?

 

[RaggyDoll]

Hi Reds,
I can totally relate to this and I push people away myself. In terms of your therapist I think they will understand more than anyone else can and if you feel the work you have been doing with her is valuable you should contact her. It's easy to forget the relationship with your T is a professional one when they seem to be the people who listen to you the most.

Hope you manage to resolve this with them

Take Care x

 

[Reds]

@Ayesha i can't change my t now, I'm just going through a lot right now and I need someone who knows and understands me. I'm considering getting a new t once things have settled and are back to 'normal'.

@Lemontree I'm not sure, but my guess is that it's because my abuser appeared to be a caring person in my life

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Okay. I see. This must be very hard.

 

[shimmerz]

Why do I push away people who are kind to me?

Have you let your t know that this is how you are reacting. I say reacting because it seems like a reaction rather than a feeling, based on what you are saying in your post. Reactions are different than feelings. Maybe your t can be a little less 'nice' (not meaning being mean), to try to continue getting through to you?

 

[Reds]

No, I haven't. I will brig it up with her so we can discuss it more. Maybe then I'll know why I react this way. Thanks Shimmerz

 

[Jane.l]

I tend to do the- I love you, I hate you thing in T a lot - it seems to be a constant pull you close, push you away but I do have a lot of borderline traits and that makes it difficult to work out what the heck is going on.

I think your T has tried too hard to 'rescue' you and unfortunately the lack of boundaries will make you feel very insecure and will make it even more difficult for you to handle your emotions, which maybe why you lash out, because whatever she does it will never be enough.

But I hear what you are saying, this is not the time to move on - she knows you do this, she won't be surprised - you just need to apologise and I am sure she will understand .

 

[Casey_03]

I would guess your T understands perfectly well why you are doing this. If she doesn't, she's a pretty crappy therapist. I am the same way, am vicious when people are kind. I too think it stems from the fact that my abuser was someone who was supposed to care for me. All I can say is suck it up and tell her you are sorry and still want the session -- and then you will be doing yourself a huge favor because you can then discuss this habit of yours with her. It might actually be a good thing you had this reaction; it will force you to deal with this issue! I have behaved this way my entire life and now discovered that I am completely alone. People do just get tired of it and walk away if you continue to push them all away. Again, though, I think this incident is a blessing in disguise -- it has made you both acutely aware of this habit of yours and it will force you to examine and hopefully deal with it.