Don't Even Know Anymore.

[Adam F.]

It's been a rough few weeks for me.

I'm not sleeping at all, my job has been absolute hell and home hasn't been my h better. Oh and I don't think my depression meds are helping anymore but more on that later.

I'm use to not sleeping. I haven't had a good night's sleep in over 10 years. I've tried so many different sleeping meds and combinations of sleeping meds and my other medications. Nothing helps, I just wake up as or more tired than I was when I went to bed. Thankfully I have a sleep study scheduled July 9th but that's over a month away. I've even tired alcohol with the sleeping pills and still can't sleep. I don't know what to do anymore.

So on to work. I'm a police officer and that is the source of my PTSD so of course I struggle to come in some days. Lately, I've just been in the worst possible mood while I'm here and it shows at times. Mostly outbursts towards my Sergeant and not citizens, thankfully. The work load has been absolute hell as we have been short people and not filling all of our cars with officers, let alone 2 officers riding together. I've been feeling like I've done way more than my fair share than my peers and that it goes unnoticed, which makes me feel like I'm not appreciate or that my efforts just don't matter. It really makes it hard to get up and come in everyday and then work overtime on top of it all to keep up with bills and such at home. I've been considering getting out of law enforcement but I can afford to leave the profession. I don't have the education to start a new career so I'm basically stuck. Again, I just don't know what to do anymore.

Next is home. My wife is a stay at home mom who also works from home. Now she only works 10-20 hours on a good week (I work anywhere from 60-80 hours a week.) Now I'm not trying to take anything away from her because being at home all day with a 4 and 6 year old can be exhausting, but our kids are mostly self sufficient and don't require a whole lot of attention, most of the time. So with all that, I get really tired of coming home after working 12+ hours and seeing the same messes for days or weeks. Now I normally wouldn't care but when she tells me that all she did was play Xbox all day, I kind of have a problem with that. Other than this we have a relatively great relationship. We've always had our ups and downs but things have been really great for the last 6 months and I don't want to jeopardize this. Once again, I just don't know what to do anymore.

Finally my depression. I know not sleeping is having a very adverse effect on me. I use to be able to get very little sleep and stay awake for however long I needed to. Now I get out of bed and immediately want to go back to bed or I fall asleep sitting on the couch watching tv. I have no energy or drive to do anything (partially why I don't say anything about nothing getting done at home). Now I just feel like the meds are doing nothing for me. I feel exactly the same as before I began them. I've been having suicidal thoughts again and I'm scared that I may actually act on it this time but at the same time I would never leave my wife and kids like that.

 

[Friday]

On the home front : If your wife was hit by a bus tomorrow and you had to pay someone to watch the kids 70-90 hours a week? (Accounting for commute & hand-off times). In my area that would start at $3200 a month for 2 kids at McChildcare / YMCA and only goes upward from there. That's assuming you get a 2:1 discount. As that's 2 full time -40 hour a week- jobs to cover. It's very easy to take Stay At Home Parents for granted. Especially -oddly enough- in areas where both parents can't afford to work, because the cost of childcare is more than the 2nd parent would make // aka you're paying to work, instead of being paid to work. Even once the kids are in school? YMCA before & after school care is stil $840 per month (in my area), per child, not counting $50 half days, and $100 full days for parent teacher conference week, teacher work days, federal holidays, etc. And none of that... Includes housecleaning. In fact, most Au Pair & Nanny services specifically forbid housecleaning beyond what is immediately child related (aka washing lunch dishes is okay, washing floors or kids clothes? Not okay). A 4yo & a 6yo may seem self sufficient, compared to how labor intense 20 hours per day, they were as infants/toddlers... But they still need constant supervision at those ages. In fact, will still need near constant supervision for essentially the next 10 years. It's just that an 8 hour school day turns a SAHP's 2 full time jobs into 1 full time job as schools provide free daycare. If your wife wasn't providing that? You'd have to pay for it. A penny saved is a penny earned. That she's working an addition 10-20 hours a week on top of being the sole childcare provider for 2 young children? Man. That's huge.

Not saying the early years aren't difficult. They are. Hands down. It does get easier. First they start going to school. Then they start doing after school sports and activities. Then they start actually becoming self sufficient as teenagers. Just like it feels sooooo much easier now that they're out of diapers and starting school than it did from when they were babies & toddlers, it does keep getting easier the older they get as far as time-sucks go. (Other things get harder, but time requirements get easier). Promise!

 

[EveHarrington]

I understand the financial breakdown but yeah-------I'd be pissed, too, if I worked 12 hours a day and came home to the same messes while my partner played Xbox all day long. That is, I wouldn't say "honey, it's ok that you play games all day because the alternative child care option would be expensive." Nah. That argument skirts the point.