Don't Know What To Do Anymore - Losing Hope

[Ojovu]

I had a big emotional breakthrough experience in last year that really helped me get a grip on my PTSD. I thought I was making progress. Feeling less burdened by disruptive thoughts. Unpacking stuff in talk therapy. Doing more positive things with my life. Beginning to exercise again. Taking the time I needed to do the heavy emotional lifting that needed to be done. Focusing on myself and not on others' expectations of me. But now I look up and I'm unemployed, I've put tremendous strain on my marriage due to having feelings for someone who is broken in similar ways that I am broken (my spouse is not a PTSD survivor, which is great in some ways, but there's certain things I think he will never get about me), the world around me seems so hostile and callous and grinding everyone down except for the very fortunate and well-off.

I had more-than-passing thoughts of self-harm for the first time in over 4 years. I feel like I've let my friends, family, and spouse down, like I'm wasting my potential, just a burden on the people that care about me, and as I am hitting middle age I'm terrified of the second half of my life being an increasing series of minor and major traumas, no security, nothing I can bank on, plan for, or look forward to, at least not without apprehension about what might keep those things out of my reach. I'm completely estranged from one parent (the one who caused my first wave of PTSD) and my other parent cares the world for me but doesn't know how to help me. I took half a valium two days in a row and this is the third day in the last five I have woken up crying and stressed and wondering if I should take half a valium again, but knowing that habitual use will only complicate my life. I am counting the minutes to go see my therapist later this week but I feel like he probably can't help me either. I think of reaching out to one of the dozens of friends that I care the world for but I'm terrified to let them know how far down the rabbit hole of despair and depression I am.

FML.

 

[Ojovu]

The past year has been hell for me. Through everything I've dealt with in my mind deep down somewhere something says there's hope. We have so many outside factors that attack our mental state and our emotional state but deep down we have to always still see that there's hope somehow. Today hasn't been bad for me so I see a little bit of hope. Hope you find some somehow.

 

[Iraf]

You felt that hope before you should feel it again. I see this all as happening in waves. Last year I was still climbing out of the rabbit hole. This year, I'm fairly out, with, maybe a foot still in the hole, cautiously peering around me. Right now the depression has a hold of you. Hopefully, you will, with the help of your therapist and others, find your way out of this. It is possible. I never thought I would get out, not at the time, but I did.

 

[Sohuha]

Your job situation (or lack of it) may be tapping into old feelings and filling your stress cup way over the edge. If you're not taking an anti-depressant now, it may be needed temporarily to get you through this. I completely understand where you're coming from - been through that cycle a few times myself. It sounds like you've taken a few giant steps in healing. What's going on now is only a set back. Whatta they say? A set back is a set up for the future. Don't let yourself go down the rabbit hole too far . . . get the help you need, whatever it is, and don't make any life changing decisions like divorcing your hubby - trust me on that one!

 

[Iku]

I'm not alone in dealing with all of this am I? I thought I was.

My situation is almost exactly the same. I find myself unemployed, existing on a swiftly dwindling savings account, relying heavily on my husband for financial support and not getting any replies from the thousands of resumes I send out. I thought I was doing well, I thought I had been making progress until my benefits were cut, my therapy was terminated and I was free-floating trying to make headway on my own.

I'm facing some pretty tough decisions now - sell my vehicle, sell off a lot of my belongings, apply for some kind of disability assistance (not likely because my husband makes too much) and essentially become a hermit trapped in my house.

I feel like I've fallen into the rabbit hole again and I am terrified to try to climb back out because it feels like every time I finally get those few steps away, something happens to push me back down.

I'm tired. I'm scared and I feel completely alone.