Don't Like Being Looked At

[Powder]

Thanks, I wonder sometimes if that's what's really going on. But as one of my friends who was abused with me said, There's the Past and the Present both colliding and it's harsh.

I can't tell what's the issue(s) rocking the boat so hard. Just that it's rocking and I can't get off.

Just had a drink and a smoke, felt better with my dog, and finally made myself presentable in order to walk Molly, the black lab. Molly chewed her harness. Okay. So I fix it. Then she runs off at the park and a mean/angry guy whose dog just got bit ($800 vet trip) starts a fight about my puppy dog with another guy. They start to threaten each other and a wife starts yelling.

All of my trauma occurred during a time period of years when there was nightly yelling and brawling at my house, so I tried to leave and my 5 yr old wanted to stay. Too late. On way home, I nearly crashed into the concrete. :(

Same as your kitchen floor. I didn't feel it coming. I had to sit down and then my dog took to barking. (When the alpha sits, the dog has to protect.) So I had to get up again and walk home. It's like I don't have anywhere to turn. I don't know if I could even do the job I'm looking at. I'm wondering if I'm truly disabled. Right now, I have informal accommodations in place, like I can work from home online if I need to when I'm having bad days. Some things I have to be there for, of course.

Life is just whooping my ass a bit too hard right now. I'm sure it'll be better soon, just trying not to let it worry me too much.

 

[Powder]

Jeez. Hubs just said the angry and threatening man was his professor, one of my colleagues. :( I want to move so bad.

 

[shimmerz]

just trying not to let it worry me too much.

Smart. It is a hard thing to do though isn't it? Really hard.

I can relate to your wondering if you are disabled. For myself (as I was dropping right left and centre), there was no issue. No question about it. If you have a randomness about you with dropping .... I would work from home as often as I could. Kitchen floors are usually much more forgiving than concrete. So sorry this is happening to you Muse. :hug:

 

[Ronin]

@Muse, it's really not you, it's them. Please do whatever of self care you need, I hope your husband can take care of the rest for a few (hell sharing responsibilities, functional marriage, show of care, that sorta thing) after he sets his head on straight and stops making shit more difficult for you than it needs to be, as he real ain't need to flip out that bad about something you weren't choosing and clearly didn't want.

 

[Powder]

New seven hour flashback in which a two year old part took control. I got a beating in the right eye and the base of the skull. Felt really happening during the seven hours, had to ice it, when Hubs brought that after I could talk. When I was in the 2 year old part flashback, I could not understand Hubs (Loooong words) and they sounded far away. I didn't fully know for certain who he was for several seconds when he was talking to me.

Apparently, a two year old will freeze and dissociate more than older children, because I have been doing that, alternating with horrible body memories of the beating, for days, in small doses. Then, I got the "joys" of reliving it for several hours today.

I was aware that I was hit on the head with a blunt instrument because dad did that several times, but I didn't have a specific like this kind of flashback of it.

I said "Eye! Eye!" but my hubs couldn't understand what little 2 me was complaining of. Every time hubs entered the room, I felt searing pain in my right eye, followed immediately by a more dull pain at the base of my skull. Felt like first the eye, then the skull. This is what triggered the "switch" and hubs didn't realize that I went fully into flashback and couldn't talk or understand beyond a toddler. If I understood it, at some moments, I was too frozen to respond.

This one took longer, much longer, and gave me way more physical pain and freeze response than normal. In other words, my flashbacks are getting stronger and more involved.

Hubs wonders if my meds are contributing. I think it's stress that's just piled up over the last few years.? I have no idea if Xanax makes flashbacks worse. I took magnesium and it hit within two hours, though the body memories have been hitting me for a split second and then passing for days.

Once again, magnesium seems to bring things to a head in an overly strong way.

 

[InvisibleSun]

You are definitely not alone on this..I get extremely uncomfortable when men stare at me. Before my meds, I went into panic mode and even now, it's something I struggle with. I went to a gas station one time and the male cashier told me that he thought I was a very beautiful woman. I never went back there again. Totally freaked me out. When men stare at me I get this overwhelming fear that I'm under attack. I absolutely agree with the "opposites phenomenon" and have found this to be a pattern in my life throughout the years. Such a vicious cycle.

 

[shimmerz]

(((((Muse)))))