General Don't touch my stuff!

[Cflr]

Certainly we aren't the only couple with this issue. (My vet is retired long term army sergeant, therapy through VA.)
There is "stuff" claiming space all around our home. His dresser (I can live with it), kitchen counter, dining room desk, entire guest room, one wall of living room, table next to the chair he lives in watching tv.
Moving something or putting something in a cabinet causes anger. He saves bits and pieces. I must sneak cigar bands and business cards, etc into the trash.
If he can't find something I will be blamed.
Why is this?
Any coping skills?
Thanks

 

[LuckiLee]

My guy is the same, kinda. He definitely doesn't like when I move his things so I don't!! However he has a bit of ocd and actually is a neat freak and very organized.

My veteran is also retired Army Sergeant so I think it has alot to do with their training. If something is out of place people could die....

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I'm not former military, but I'm much the same with my stuff. I know exactly where everything is and if someone messes with it, it can throw me for quite a loop. I can tell if things have been moved, even slightly. Once my husband realized how badly it messed with me, he stopped doing it.

To help, I have multiple designated "my stuff" baskets sitting in strategic places as a catch all for random things instead of leaving stuff laying around. That helps us both, especially when I need to ask him to grab something for me. It no longer feels like a scavenger hunt to him and I don't get stressed trying to explain the exact location. It makes cleaning a lot easier, too.

 

[Cflr]

Well, cleaning is hopeless. I feel like giving up. If I didn't resist it woul be worse, but I'm slways looking for ways to have a somewhat normal home without the constant battle.
Do you feel comfortable having neighbors visit. I don't.
Recently his financial situation has improved a little. That seems to be allowing him to consider giving up a few old clothes. Unfortunately it also means that he has big ideas about buying more stuff for which we have more storage.

 

[Cflr]

That should have been "for which we have no storage."

 

[Friday]

I lose my ever lovin mind when people move my stuff around. It bad, like really bad. 6 different kinds of ways bad. And, yeah, there's a lot of serious hardcore trauma stuff tied up in that. As well as just me-stuff (meaning while I might sort the trauma stuff out eventually, the rest I'm completely uninterested in changing).

That said? I have a kid (actually, have had as many as 5 living under my roof). I was married for a decade. I've lived with a lot of people. There are some very "easy" ways to negotiate (if it's not yours? Don't touch it! :banghead:) . Because they live here, too.

(Prepare to find out how anal I really am!)

It basically boils down to defining space.

Public Space - Absolutely anyone can do whatever with anything there. Think the lobby of a hotel. It's furniture, carpet, artwork & that's about it. Personal things can be brought into public space, but they don't live there. (And on a daily basis anything left out overnight would get boxed by owner & returned to them! Here. Yours. Do with as you wish.) My kiddo & I would do a "blitz" every morning before school. Took less than 5 minutes most mornings to move things left out from the day before into appropriate boxes, swipe down the flat surfaces, & do the floors. Voila! Glowing clean every morning. (If you don't want people boxing up your stuff every morning? Don't leave it out / put it away before bed). In our house public space was the LivingRoom/ DiningRoom/ Kitchen/ Gym/ Back Deck.

Defined Use & Shared Space - Personally I tried to make these areas as "equal/uniform" as possible. AKA creating identical areas of private space within a public space. Laundry room we each had our own 3 baskets (dirty, clean, dry cleaning); Mud room we each had our own lockers (what you keep in your locker is up to you). If something is within your personal space? It's untouchable. If you left it on the floor? It's fair game.

Private Space - It's yours. Everything in it is yours. Barring emergency -or someone asking very nicely AND your agreeing- it's completely off limits to everyone else. Whether it's your bedroom or a drawer, if it's yours, it's inviolate.

^^^
I live this way whether I'm living in a Victorian Mansion, Tiny Starter House, Studio Apartment, or a Tent. Whether my private space is a whole durn room or my backpack.

 

[Sighs]

My vet leaves his shite absolutely everywhere, then periodically has a bitch about what a "tip" we live in, will ask me to please clean / sort / tidy it for him and then will moan like a *&%#$ that he can't find xyz because I've moved it. Sigh!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Yep. Lots of crap everywhere, although I will say he's pretty good about not leaving filth. He does the washing up, throws his trash away, etc. He just has A LOT of clutter laying around that could use a better home than, say, on top of the TV or kitchen table.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

When people touch my personal items, I feel violated and disrespected. For example, they got me a lap top for Christmas. Whose files and links are all set up in it now? Who uses it the most? Not me. When I have some extra money, I think that I will buy a new laptop and hide it. And the kids eating in my bed when I am not home. No!!! Or leaving their clothes or shoes on my bedroom floor. Nothing is sacred in my house. But I didn't establish good boundaries, so I take full blame.

 

[dulcia]

So my army vet is kind of the same and kind of the opposite. By that I mean, he doesn't like his specific things being touched -- his towel is hung a certain way; his pile of clothes is a certain way to differentiate between clean, worn a few times, and needs to be washed; and he doesn't like things being left in the common areas (kitchen, living room, dining room) -- but he will move my things if they are in a place he feels they shouldn't be. So I get the *best* of both worlds. We've come up with a couple of solutions...

- The junk drawers are his. Whatever he wants to put in there, cram full of crap, I don't mess with it. At least it's not on the counters. (It started as one junk drawer and has migrated. If they get too full for the two drawers, he throws some of it out to make it fit, instead of expanding to more drawers.)
- I don't concern myself with his closet or his dressers. If he wants to pile dirty clothes to the ceiling in his closet, that's his deal. I don't mess with it. Same if his dresser drawers are too stuffed that the drawers can't close and clothes are spilling out -- his space. If it starts getting out of control that it hinders every day things, I'll say something, but he's in charge of taking care of it how he likes.
- I don't leave things out in the open area. If I do, he'll pick it up and put it somewhere I would never think of. If, on the off chance I do leave something out in an open area (kitchen, living room, dining room), he'll put it on my half of the bathroom counter or drop it in my closet so that I can still easily find it. (This one took some time for both of us). Then we have a whole different, but similar, process for water bottles, which I like to reuse and he tosses as soon as they're unattended.

It's honestly just taken time and a system that allows for some compromise.

 

[Cflr]

I'm glad I'm not the only one with this problem.
In a small house with limited storage it's hard to work out a solution that allows me some dignity. What he sees as normal I see as mess. I'm not the best housekeeper but I try. Oh well. I chose to live with him.