Don't want my shame and fear to stop me reaching out

[notJuliana]

Hi, I posted my intro two days ago. I think I was off to a great start, it felt so good to be able to open up some, and the responses were so positive and friendly.

But then I started to turn it all negative on myself. By the next day I was just scared spitless - like I am setting myself up to be hurt. (Like, fatally wounded.) This sounds so terrible to say, after such a positive experience - like I’m accusing the people here, who seem to me to be incredibly caring and empathetic, of being the opposite of that! But I hope you know that’s not how I mean it. I’m not saying anything about you, just trying to say how scared and lonely I feel.

(Dang, here comes all the tears again and even runny nose, and I’m at the library and don’t have a tissue. Urgh.)

I had also read some other posts and it was like getting to know a little more about some folks. And basically everything about how people treat each other here made me want to try “joining.” But after I started turning everything negative, I felt like “I should contribute more! But my contributions are stupid and useless! I have nothing worthwhile to say!” (Yeah, I am mean to myself sometimes. A lot of the time.)

I’m ashamed of how much I liked the supportive messages. Ashamed of wanting more. Ashamed of how lonely I am, ashamed of wanting to not be lonely any more.

And then: When I say I feel bad - in pain, lonely, anything like that - then I feel like am guilty of trying to manipulate people into saying nice things to me. And I am ashamed of that behavior.

I think what I’ll do for now is start a Trauma Diary thread, if that’s OK? Then I won’t feel like I’m butting in on anyone’s conversation with my useless dumb remarks, and I’ll tell myself: “This is just me journaling - not me begging people to say nice things to me.”

But any friendly comments in it would be welcome! When I’m not struggling with fear and shame about it, I think the friendly responses kind of help me feel human.

 

[Esterio]

Hi notJuliana Welcome
Shame and guilt is something that we all beat ourselves up with. I try to get up in the morning and look in the mirror and tell myself it wasn't my fault I have no reason the be ashamed. I am hoping that one day I can believe it. I send you positive thoughts for a better future.
Peace be safe

 

[ladee]

Hon, people absolutely understand what you are saying.... and we are true and real people with problems just like yours.... it just takes time to trust... I really think i would be concerned if you fell off in here and just trusted everything and everyone... nothing wrong with being cautious....

And yes staring a diary is a good thing, but also hope you don't isolate in that diary.... we do need you on the threads... we need your experiences to help us not feel alone too... even if you simply say you understand how someone feels and leave it at that.. it takes courage to open up to strangers..... you are doing great.... and you are very welcome here... so do what is comfortable for you... that is the premise here.... that and healing in our own way in our own time....

Nothing wrong with feeling like a sponge needing positive and caring in your life... you are one of us... we understand and you are not alone.
This is a healing journey, and you will meet many people along the way... you are in the right place... gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[notJuliana]

Thank you both very much. When I saw these responses they made me want to cry all over again.
Hearing once again I am not alone with this - thank you. I start to get an inkling of a feeling that I might survive this hard time. And also telling me my belonging could actually be valued, I could be valued - thank you. I'm gonna work hard on being able to take that in, maybe believe it one day, or occasionally. It's difficult and painful as heck.

 

[The Albatross]

PTSD rarely improves in isolation. Instead of being assaulted by the negative chatter in your mind & the emotions... start a members diary (those are restricted to member viewing) and get some support. It is important to practice how to refocus away from those thoughts and back on to your focus/choice/purpose for the reason you joined here.

Uncomfortability is common when doing something outside of the familiar. It takes time, consistency and the P's... Patience, practice, persistence and perseverance.

So far as "shame" about how relieved you felt to get positive feedback... how about flipping the script away from that cuz it's optional and refocusing on something more generally beneficial... like "yeah, this is good, I found a group of people that really seem to get this and they will give me feedback."

 

[AnotherUser]

This interests me, since I have found that the notes I keep between sessions with my T not only help me to get to useful material with her, but give me insight.

I’m a journalist. I’ve written millions of words for money in the last ten years, but in twenty years or more if trying to put my own problems into words, I have always found it overwhelming.

Anyway, the other day I started a blog about my therapy. In the second post I decided to write about my history, for context, so that the reader would know what the exercises and evolution I’d describe was all about.

After three hours on that post, it was an unbearable avalanche of all the worst things about the last thirty years of my life, with all the good stuff edited out!

I deleted the blog. Perhaps the time will come to write of these things in a formal way, but that time isn’t now.

 

[Esterio]

This interests me, since I have found that the notes I keep between sessions with my T not only hel...

I find it amazing how all the good stuff disappears when I am trying to write about the bad stuff it completely takes over.

I deleted the blog. Perhaps the time will come to write of these things in a formal way, but that time isn’t now.

I call that my type and delete mode. I delete it thinking maybe it will go away this time.

Peace be safe