Don't want to live don't want to die

[Pauline]

I'm at a really low point I feel so confused about my trauma and my child regression is getting worse and very disturbing I don't know if I was or not sexually abused but when I'm feeling like a child I'm terrified and when I come back to myself I feel I'm so much pain and so disturbed and my body is so hurt I feel like ending it I thought it could have been my parent that sexually abused me but they seem so caring and to not understand what I'm going through my parents seem so loving I can't deal with this identity confusion anymore one minute I want to be four the next I'm a struggling 25 year old it makes me feel like there is no hope I don't and never will understand my messed up trauma the pain is just to much I wish I could just go but I already tried that before and I guess I could go but cutting seems easier I'm just at a loss and I've been dealing with this for so long I just want answers to why I'm this way my mind is giving me false memories but I just want the truth about whether I was abused or not why is my body playing tricks on me it's too much to deal with I don't know how long I can take this

 

[Abstract]

So so sorry you are in so much pain. In my experience it is better to focus on acceptance of unknowing until the mind feels it is OK to know. Nothing good comes of trying to force the situation or guess.

Can you rather focus on coping skills and actions for what happens and when it happens? What help have you had with your depression?

 

[CoalStars]

Im sorry you are feeling this way. It sounds like your brain is doing its best to heal--age regression and denial are both ways the brain deals with trauma. Age regression can be very scary too. I cope with age regression by setting aside some 'child' things like toys and books and a snack, so when I feel like I'm 8, I can surround myself with those things and feel less scared. There's lots of info out there about age regression and denial, if you think understanding it better could help you feel more in-the-know and in control.

I hope you feel better soon, friend. You deserve to feel better. I'm sorry you are in pain, and as someone who's felt hurt and confused and drowning in trauma symptoms, I hope you find some good coping mechanisms. safe hugs if okay ((pauline))

 

[shimmerz]

I think the 'don't want to live don't want to die' conflict is at the core of most of us with CPTSD.

There is a very regressed part of me that wants to die. When it clicks into gear, I am in trouble.

 

[ms spock]

I think the 'don't want to live don't want to die' conflict is at the core of most of us with CPTSD.

You are not alone @Pauline I struggle with this too.

I really feel for you, and how you are going. I have had a week or so very much like what you are describing. I feel for you so much.

Do you have a trauma psychologist or psychiatrist?

Do you have a list of coping skills?

Do you have a list of distraction skills?

Have you got a crisis line that you can ring?

Do you have Woebot on your phone? or other CBT or DBT skills for your smart phone?

Have you seen the Kristin Neff website? Do you have some Self Compassion skills?

Can you walk to ground yourself in this now?

 

[Pauline]

Thanks for your reply I'm doing a little better this week I say to myself I don't have to disappear I close my eyes and pretend that I don't have to face anything in my body instead not the best but working until I see my psychologist again the most confusing bit for me is not knowing where it's coming from I don't really care what happened to me anymore I just want to know thanks for your love and support on here

 

[shatter eyes]

thanks for your love and support on here

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