I was lucky to have a pretty decent childhood, but when I was 10 I watched my dad and younger brother die in a car crash. I had severe head injuries and a lot of broken bones. It took a couple of weeks for me to be fully conscious again and 6 months before I could walk without crutches. I think my mom did the best that she could after that, but her best was pretty bad... which led to a lot of secondary issues. Everyone kept telling me that time heals all wounds, so I kept waiting and carrying on, but I never felt any better. The more time that passed, the more I started to feel like there must be something wrong with me. I'm 41 now and I feel more broken than ever. There are times when I'm driving and I have to pull over because I'm convinced that I'm about to die. I was in a supermarket the other day when I saw a woman and a small boy with their backs turned to me. Something about their appearance looked exactly like my little brother and a younger version of my mom. It felt like a time warp.... like I was 9 years old and my mom had sent me to get something somewhere else in the store and now I was coming back to them. I can't even describe it. My knees went weak and I think I'd have fallen down if I hadn't had a shopping cart to hold onto. I already knew that it wasn't them, but when they turned toward me the air seemed to get thicker. I could barely breathe. My eyes watered so badly that I could hardly see. People noticed and were staring, so I let go of the cart and walked out of the store.
On some level I think that I view most people as a threat. Learning at an early age that a complete stranger with no malice or motive can destroy your life in an instant of poor judgement is a powerful thing. It makes it difficult to shake that waiting-for-the -other-shoe-to-drop feeling. On the rare occasion that I do find someone that I connect with, I think there's a fear of having anyone in my life that matters because I don't think I can handle losing them... I start to get that same feeling that you get when you walk into a spider web in the dark. I just want to shake it off and get clear of it. Generally, I'm not a big fan of laying my baggage at someone else's feet. I'm extremely lonely, so occasionally I do try to get out and do things, but even on a good day I don't know what might trigger a reaction or how strong that reaction will be. Beer cans on the side of the road piss me off. Roadkill bothers me... when I see a pair of cold, dead eyes staring into oblivion along the side of the road it doesn't matter that it's just a deer. It becomes a flashback. It might be something in a movie that knocks the wind out of me. I can hardly bear to look at old family photos... so I can't describe to you the gruesome things that I see when I close my eyes and try to sleep.
I've done a lot of running, but it doesn't seem to help. I've been a farmer, a soldier, a photographer... I've worked in television, casinos and factories. I've lived in Europe and several different places in the U.S. At the moment, I'm settling into a new career where I work independently and only see other people occasionally and for just a few minutes at a time. I don't know if this is PTSD or the result of traumatic brain injuries from the car accident or maybe a combination of the two, but I know that it's been more than 30 years and I still have panic attacks, social anxiety and depression. I've never asked for help, but the new job has good benefits... so, maybe if I can save some money I'll seek professional help eventually. For now, coming here is a start, I guess.
On some level I think that I view most people as a threat. Learning at an early age that a complete stranger with no malice or motive can destroy your life in an instant of poor judgement is a powerful thing. It makes it difficult to shake that waiting-for-the -other-shoe-to-drop feeling. On the rare occasion that I do find someone that I connect with, I think there's a fear of having anyone in my life that matters because I don't think I can handle losing them... I start to get that same feeling that you get when you walk into a spider web in the dark. I just want to shake it off and get clear of it. Generally, I'm not a big fan of laying my baggage at someone else's feet. I'm extremely lonely, so occasionally I do try to get out and do things, but even on a good day I don't know what might trigger a reaction or how strong that reaction will be. Beer cans on the side of the road piss me off. Roadkill bothers me... when I see a pair of cold, dead eyes staring into oblivion along the side of the road it doesn't matter that it's just a deer. It becomes a flashback. It might be something in a movie that knocks the wind out of me. I can hardly bear to look at old family photos... so I can't describe to you the gruesome things that I see when I close my eyes and try to sleep.
I've done a lot of running, but it doesn't seem to help. I've been a farmer, a soldier, a photographer... I've worked in television, casinos and factories. I've lived in Europe and several different places in the U.S. At the moment, I'm settling into a new career where I work independently and only see other people occasionally and for just a few minutes at a time. I don't know if this is PTSD or the result of traumatic brain injuries from the car accident or maybe a combination of the two, but I know that it's been more than 30 years and I still have panic attacks, social anxiety and depression. I've never asked for help, but the new job has good benefits... so, maybe if I can save some money I'll seek professional help eventually. For now, coming here is a start, I guess.
