Drawn To Triggers... Why?

[NicG]

In Australia at the moment, there's a petition gaining a lot of movement to block the visa of a particularly awful rape apologist who wants to hold meetings of "like-minded men". Ew.
So everyone's outraged, and some people are sending around things from the guy's website. Awful articles, awful content, etc etc.

When I see links to these articles, though... it's like there's a half of my brain that changes and really, REALLY wants to go look. I've done it before, accidentally stumbled across something toxic online and just lost myself, an hour later I'm aware of myself again and I've got a pile of tabs open from misogynist websites. This time around I'm burying myself in the forum and chatting to some friends so I don't do it but the temptation is still there. It's like someone completely foreign is at the wheel in the part of my mind that wants to go look.
Why do I DO this to myself?!

 

[ms spock]

I don't know why you do it, but could it be that distorted cognition of if you overthink things or over prepare for things you will manage it okay?

Evolution means our pains focuses on the negative so we survive. So you might be focusing on it in a misguided to survive?

Maybe it is some unresolved trauma stuff where you keep trying to process the triggers in a misguided attempt to get on top of them?

 

[Nikie]

Hallo nicG I don't have an idea what to reply but it feels like you need talk to just to take your mind of surttain stuff.
Your question is why do I do this to myslef .. ?
I think its rather a question of what happened to you in your past so that these things keep coming to mind ?

Sorry I don't read any of your previous post and just saw you are an active member :happy:

 

[barefoot]

I don't know...but I have a tendency to do this myself too.

One example...a past thing at work... We had to roll out a load of safeguarding (child protection) training workshops. It was my job to make it happen - to brief the external trainer on what we wanted/needed, to work with her to ensure the content was right for us, to communicate the training across the business, to make sure people attended etc. I attended the first workshop to see how it went and check everything was OK. It was - the trainer was great, the content worked well, the participants gave excellent feedback.

I then proceeded to go to all the other workshops (exactly the same workshop and presenter, just different people attending). I didn't need to do that. No one expected me or asked me to go to them all. But I went to them all because I just felt compelled to go. About ten times I sat through the same material and felt horrible.

Looking back on it now, that wasn't a helpful or healthy thing to do - in retrospect, I can see that whole project was very triggering for me (particularly actually sitting through all those workshops about child abuse). Shortly afterward, I was in a pretty bad way - anxious, depressed, not very functional at work. I felt a complete mess but couldn't really put my finger on why. Within about 6 months I'd started seeing a therapist and had been diagnosed with PTSD.

When I mentioned the project/workshops to my therapist and she asked what had made me keep going to them when I didn't have to and when it made me feel bad, the only words that came in to my head were that I felt like I deserved it. But I don't even really know what that meant. And I felt too embarrassed to tell her that at the time so I just said I didn't know.

So....maybe my unhelpful and unhealthy behaviour served a purpose after all...? Without forcing myself to repeatedly get triggered (even though I didn't know that was what was happening at the time) maybe I wouldn't have started seeing a therapist, wouldn't have ever told anyone about what happened a long time ago, wouldn't have been diagnosed with PTSD, wouldn't be doing the therapeutic work I'm doing now etc. Perhaps my subconscious was making me see so that I did something about it...?

I haven't really got very far with processing my stuff and struggle a lot with denial, so I wonder if this is why I'm drawn to triggering material - looking things up online, reading related things in newspapers etc, watching related tv documentaries etc. It is like a part of me is forcing myself to face this stuff...?

So, perhaps it has served a positive purpose. Though I'm not sure it's been the healthiest way to do that.

Sorry - a long post! Not sure if this makes much sense or whether it resonates at all with you?

 

[barefoot]

Actually, I think @Ms Spock summed up what I've been rambling about:

Maybe it is some unresolved trauma stuff where you keep trying to process the triggers in a misguided attempt to get on top of them?

;-)

 

[Friday]

I tend to repeat things over & over again... Until I get them right. Or am satisfied about some aspect of them. Or am bored.

It's the same habit which leads to (& lead to) blunting, and then eliminating triggers & stressors (exposure therapy). So there's a very good side of it.

It's also sometimes just about stupid. Bringing myself more pain, making hard things harder.

Shrug. Depends on the situation whether it's toward my benefit or not.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Why do I DO this to myself?!

I dont know why you do that but i do it as a way of 'punishment'.

I go and watch movies, usually Lifetime movies about child abuse, or cults, or documentries about cults or kidnap victims on youtube at work. I do that at work. And then end up in the bathroom hurting myself with whatever sharp thing i can find. Its actually how i first learned that i very much identify with kidnap victims/survivors & not so much with child sexual abuse victims/survivors.

I also do the same at home. My favoite show is Criminal Minds but i think its because i adore computer forensics. Next new second favoite is CSI Cyber.

But i watch things like Surviving Evil (real stories from survivors of mostly kidnappings), things on Discovery ID that have a sexual assult/cult content. Movies and documentries on Netflix about the same thing.

It reminds me, i think, of what feels right, how it makes me feel and makes me want to 'punish'; i think it of itself is 'punishment'; reminds me of why "im bad".

Or at least thats what i gather from therapy.

 

[Anarchy]

I think that we evolved to keep a watchful eye on threats to our well-being.

Those early humans that took their eyes off the hyenas and leopards, didn't get to be our ancestors.

Reading stuff from characters who are into chalking up numbers... Is probably time well spent, even if it is triggering. Because if anyone tries those tactics in your presence, you'll have a fair warning of what they're likely to be up to, and can act accordingly.

Just for balance, I gather that there are also people who publish similar material aimed at a female market. I'll refrain from using the derogatory stereotypes commonly attributed to their customers.

 

[Ronin]

I don't know why you do things, but I go on searches like that in attempt to drag some nagging detail out and process a wide cluster it's blocking. Obstacles in healing removal, basically.

Do I f*ck myself up or end with wildly different info than I went looking for? Yep. It's still worth it.

I just need to remember to do only less physical search out of this. Doing the same very offline is bad judgment for me.

 

[Hush92]

Wow....I'm the same way....I'm also "drawn" to my triggers. I'm not sure if my therapist really understands and you're the first other person I heard mention this....

I'll end up feeling awful and guilty and hating myself when something I do on purpose sets me off. I sought it out so it was my fault I was triggered, you know? I feel like maybe the brain just gets stuck on what happens and it's just another way to replay what happened without a flashback.