Drawn Toward Sick Relationships

[ericaboo]

It seems like each relationship I've had has been out of my control - I've run into a certain kind of man, usually sick & needy, who knows exactly what to say to validate my neediness, and I'm caught like a fish on a line. It doesn't matter how many red flags I see - I'm out of control.

My marriage has been on the rocks, and we were separated last summer, but we're back together - with a lot of problems. I had an old friend I found on facebook - a guy I had a big crush on in high school, and he laid it on thick. Like - he's going through all the same stuff I am, his marriage is breaking up, how much he's loved me all these years, how he can't stand to see me being mistreated, and how can we find a way to meet up, etc.

I am trying to discourage him, but I can see how hard it is - how I just want someone to rescue me, to care, to give me some kind of love that I'm unable to get, someone I can take care of and "fix." If he would have been around this summer, I would probably be in a new screwed up relationship right now!

I actually feel guilty for backing away, and also realize that I must be succeeding in my healing process in some way if I'm able to resist this at all... usually I would have been on the first greyhound bus!

It sucks to be at the mercy of my neediness - I want so badly to figure out a different way to live my life...

 

[Laura Leonard]

I'm completely new, so forgive me if I'm asking seemingly redundant questions, but are you in therapy?

I used to be the same way. And if I understand your meaning, I completely know about what you mean when you talk about the guilt for backing away. You cannot find value in yourself solely in what you can do for others.

None of us know your exact situation. Are you still working on your marriage? Do you want it to work, and if so, why? I think that's a pretty solid starting point. For now I'd completely forget about this guy on facebook. I've found that a good way to stay drama free on the dreaded FB is to limit your friends only to those closest to you. I have about thirty, haha.

 

[ericaboo]

Yes, I'm in therapy, but I haven't told him about this situation. I am still working on our marriage, but I get really discouraged, and I don't know if I can get past previous abuse that has occurred or not... On other days I think I will do anything to make things work and I have great hopes that we can both heal our psyches and keep it together.

Nevertheless - there's something about me where I just keep getting "picked up" by this certain type of guy (my husband included). That's one of the reasons I'm having renewed doubts about our marriage - I feel that I was manipulated into it and didn't really enter the relationship out of free will.

 

[Laura Leonard]

Have you tried asking your husband to join you in a session? And if you're not comfortable mentioning this specific situation to your therapist, you can still talk about the general idea of being sucked into manipulative relationships. For me, knowing WHY I do something is the best way to stop it.

 

[ericaboo]

Doubt my H would go (but he shows up for marriage counseling). I'm sure I'll bring it up with my Therapist soon. He's new, so there's a lot we still haven't covered.

I kind of already know that I grew up in a very lonely world where sexual relationships were the only place I got any validation or felt cared about or valued. When someone comes to me with compliments and a certain type of empathy and respect that I crave so badly, it's like a drug, I feel compelled toward them, and there are some very bad people who know this and take advantage.

I just don't know what to do about it. I know what's going on, and I have been single, but the lonelier and more pathetic I feel the weaker I become to these types of advances.

My husband loves me and would like a "re-do," but I don't know how to answer that. You shouldn't have to explain how you would want to be approached - it's either right or wrong, and right is wrong and wrong is right to me. I find nice guys boring...

 

[ericaboo]

I told my Therapist about FB guy who I have continued to communicate with. It was right at the end of the session, and all he could say was we would talk about it later, but I did express how -talking to this guy brought all these good feelings - "ocytocin" as I put it - even though they guy has a mess a problems. Help!

When I'm vulnerable, and people say all the right things it's just... a mess.

 

[betty lowa]

I relate to when you say that nice guys are boring. Btw, I enjoy your avatar image, I am watching this movie right now. lol I don't think I have ever been in a healthy relationship, although I haven't been in many. I tend to be drawn to very manly kind of men that I feel safe and secure around and think will protect me. I realize that the only way I feel loved is when a man is trying to control me. If he does not control me, then my first feeling is that he does not care. At the beginning of my husband and I's relationship he tried very hard not to be controlling and overly dominant because he said he was afraid of scaring me away. I am a little confused for...I am not religious in any way, but when I was reading Genesis KJV, I read that Eve's punishment for taking the apple was for all women to experience pain in childbirth and that women must always serve men.
However, today's society says that women must find careers and be independent and have so many rights. How do you know which one is correct? How do others know what is truly "healthy" or not healthy? When it is physical illness, it is so easy, because you will die if left untreated. But with mental illness, the only way we can gauge if something is bad or good is what other people tell us from their own perspective and experiences.

 

[ericaboo]

I tend to be drawn to very manly kind of men that I feel safe and secure around and think will protect me. I realize that the only way I feel loved is when a man is trying to control me. If he does not control me, then my first feeling is that he does not care.

Well put Betty! Now what to do? Why is this right or wrong? What has been the end result of this way of thinking? I've thought at times that each time I have to pick a more violent man who can protect me from the previous one...

Unfortunately, violence is violence, whether it is protective or directed at us!!! This is a cycle that needs to be changed, but how??

 

[ericaboo]

So now it looks like I'm getting out of my marriage. We talked about it, but I don't think he believes it. At the same time, I have this texting guy with a crush on me. 2 breakups at once? I was clear with text guy of my lack of intentions, yet I keep replying to his texts - I hope I can handle these situations without just falling into the same screwed cycle. 3 days until I can see my therapist... I can't survive without support... no-one is an island...

 

[ericaboo]

I think I found a nice guy. I have no idea what you're supposed to do in that situation.

This is brand new territory... takin' it slow.

 

[Lucycat]

As you say - take it slow. If it is right you will soon find out. If not ....... run!!

 

[Still Alive Inside]

Hi Ericaboo, I can relate. It's not that I can't identify red flags, it's that when I pick up on them, hell breaks loose inside and I am running towards the red flags to embrace with my entire being.

I feel like I'm not in control, either, just like you said, I'm getting "picked up" by a certain type of man.

I've resorted to choosing not to trust anyone in that area of my life anymore. I've isolated myself. The saddest part is, the only man that I can think about is just another one of those jerks. What is it about this damn PTSD or whatever that leads me to WANT dysfunctional situations? Because I don't want that.

Therapy doesn't help with that.

How goes it with the man you were texting?
It may be my cynical side, but if he or his situation was too similar or too fitting to yours, isn't it another setup?

Are you better with heeding red flags? How'd you do it?