Iamsensative
Silver Member
Sorry lost story so bare with me. It was a rough night, dreams started with my sister asking me to visit her new home in New Mexico. Let me step explain my sister and i have lived in a multi family home for almost 20yrs. Trauma affects each child and the adult they become very differently. I am the gentle version, sometimes i feel like the shattered glass version. My sister is the revenge and rage version, attack before you are attacked. Drinking caused this to be even worse. She broke down once about 25yrs ago with psychotic depression and spent a week in the hospital, i always thought this was a chance for me to be there for her and maybe find the sister relationship that i always craved. But you cant find that with someone who believes that they are well and you are below them.
Years of vicious words, being told awful things and never fighting back. Until i finally bought her out of the house last yr. She will move to New Mexico in a few months. Since i bought the house she has been this wonderful person, sweet kind and caring. But i cant forget, i cant just put it aside. I understand her issues. But the damage is done. You cant go back from yrs of verbal abuse and control. I blame myself for nor fighting back, being guilt tripped for having children being the worst mother, my children being awful. She looks at me now and tells me what wonderful men i brought up. They are wonderful and were always wonderful but who doesnt have ups and downs with children. Always hoping you give them enough and by the grace of god they make good choices. Do i feel guilt, OMG . Am i terrified that she will keep asking me to come and visit her. I know in my heart, i cant. I dont feel safe with her, i wake up and dont feel the world is safe. I want to scream, as i try and convince myself, that not everyone is dangerous, but even though i am safe, will i ever really feel that way. Here and now is so hard to feel.
Years of vicious words, being told awful things and never fighting back. Until i finally bought her out of the house last yr. She will move to New Mexico in a few months. Since i bought the house she has been this wonderful person, sweet kind and caring. But i cant forget, i cant just put it aside. I understand her issues. But the damage is done. You cant go back from yrs of verbal abuse and control. I blame myself for nor fighting back, being guilt tripped for having children being the worst mother, my children being awful. She looks at me now and tells me what wonderful men i brought up. They are wonderful and were always wonderful but who doesnt have ups and downs with children. Always hoping you give them enough and by the grace of god they make good choices. Do i feel guilt, OMG . Am i terrified that she will keep asking me to come and visit her. I know in my heart, i cant. I dont feel safe with her, i wake up and dont feel the world is safe. I want to scream, as i try and convince myself, that not everyone is dangerous, but even though i am safe, will i ever really feel that way. Here and now is so hard to feel.
