Drug Induced Psychosis

[sonicwhite]

Wulp, for what my new doc says I prolly just had a stim related psychosis and my last doc built the relationship on thinking I had schizophrenia or bipolar. I mean the psychosis sucked. Locked in jail instead of a psych ward is pretty traumatizing. I wished things where different but I just thought cannibals where after me so if I got a cops attention they could kill them but they took me to jail instead of a hospital. I feel I need to be vindicated for the injustice I endured. When a person is insane they cannot speak for themselves and I couldn't. I thought I was being spyd on so I kept my mouth shut. This I turn made it very hard for me because they thought I was just on drugs so they look at it thru there lens and yes it corrected me but with lasting scars.

There has to be accountability for this. It's too late for legal action so idk. I just feel I slipped thru the cracks and was forgotten about plus a lot of guards and inmates where messing with my head making it so much worse.

 

[Ronin]

Is focusing on healing now, thoroughly, an option?

I'd first get my health together, before taking long lasting legal action. If for nothing else being able to think of needed steps better, prepare for them, and present with credibility. (Not saying that I don't believe you or that you're not worthy of support, as you are. Just saying appearances, sadly, matter. Especially when dealing with legal action. Twice as mattering.)

 

[sonicwhite]

It's too late. And I'm not going to go after a jail. I'm just saying I have my caretaker that has always said they screwed you over. I took drugs that led to a psychosis. So I did it to myself but somebody should have stepped in and said ok he broke the law but he needs help. It just sucks. I know they are dicks to all inmates but I was just a floating fish that was overlooked. I will let God vindicate on Judgment day.

 

[sonicwhite]

The more I focus on getting off meds that I don't need the better I feel about myself. I will prolly always have anxiety so the clonazepam will prolly alway be there but apathy from strong APs like risperdal and flat effects from Paxil will most def make me feel better once their gone. I am a very forgiving person. I try to buddy with everyone but when someone uses that to their advantage I not only get hurt but it just makes the person feel like they have no accountability. So for God to take vengeance is only the right way to go.

You know before I became a Christian I dated a Pastors daughter. Led her in sexual sin when she was doing God will. I think God was punishing me in a way that I would learn.. I hope they are a better jail now than before. I just wished I didn't harbor so much guilt.

 

[Ronin]

I think God was punishing me in a way that I would learn.

I don't share the belief abuse and trauma is God's punishment, no.
Maybe work on that trauma instead of trying to attribute guilt some more?
Work on getting off the guilt, instead of multiplying it by cycled thoughts?

 

[The Albatross]

I would understand that it might seem or feel like coming off drugs that you believe "the anxiety will always be there"... and it is for some but not all. Always statements are a sign of disorder thinking at times. Just sayin'.

 

[sonicwhite]

I hate benzos. At first when I had anxiety thru the roof it made me feel high as a kite. Than the anxiety just started to melt and I no longer got that fuzzy warm feeling. Just anxiety relief. I know that most my anxiety is prolly rebound anxiety from being on klonopin all the time. That's why it's going to be a benzobuddy type thing to get off of them or it. But idk either. I may really have anxiety tho. I miss that high feeling tho. Lol

 

[Fadeaway]

So I did it to myself but somebody should have stepped in and said ok he broke the law but he needs help. It just sucks.

The system does not work that way. They do not see someone who needs help, they see someone who broke the law...period. You are one in a sea of millions who have been incarcerated for the for drug use. They see it every day, you were just "another one of those," to them. Yes, the system needs to be changed, although I doubt it will happen in our lifetime.

You know before I became a Christian I dated a Pastors daughter. Led her in sexual sin when she was doing God will. I think God was punishing me in a way that I would learn..

I do not believe in God, but if I did I could not morally justify worshiping a being who would punish someone for engaging in consensual sex between two willing people. If she was of legal age and you didn't force her against her will, then it was her choice. Food for thought.

 

[sonicwhite]

My belief is my belief . Nobody here can change my mind. Do I feel like your trying? No! I just be believe that when My God who has a moral law is working in someone's life and a wicked person with perverse thoughts mutates here and changes and even make her fall away, they both are accountable but the one who led that person there even more so. Jesus said in Luke whosoever cause one of my little ones to sin, it would be better for him to have a millstone wrapped around his neck and drowned than to cause that child of God to sin.

Now you can say he was talking about molesting children. Or referring little ones as children of God. Sin is a very serious thing. Our finite minds cannot comprehend that God is holy and we where made like ants. We can crush a ant hill and ruin what there doing and God the Father, the Almighty Judge can crack this world in half if He wanted to.

But, there is another side to God. He is all loving and wants to show mercy to everyone.Narrow is the road that leads to life and few find it. But it is broad enough for the whole world if all would repent.

The cross offends ppl because it shows that all have messed up and deserve hell. Who are we to tell God what should happen. Accountability is when a person realizes that everything that was afflicted to them by their choices is there fault. I would rather know I'm going to heaven that to give into lust or the things I did back in 05.

 

[Fadeaway]

What you probably don't know about me is that I know scripture and Christian theology better than most people who profess to faith in God. Raised by a pastor... went to a very exclusive and expensive fundamentalist private Christian school, on a merit scholarship based on the fact that I could read and understand scripture at an age when most kids barely know how to read. It was drilled into my head day and night. Church every Sunday morning and evening, and on Tuesday and Friday nights. Christian television was on most of the time and Christian radio 24/7. I was a believer up until my mid'ish 20's.

I tell you that, because I am not got questioning your faith, God or anything like it. I am questioning the lens through wich you see yourself. Based on your own admissions, God is either punishing you and a liar, or you are forgiven. You can't have it both ways. Are you forgiven or are you calling the God you believe in a liar, and the blood of christ did not wash away your sins. (not that I believe it was a sin, because I don't)

As far as the little ones Jesus was speaking about, it was not in reference to molesting children, that is a bit disturbing and you are the first to ever mention it in that light. It is in reference to those you are young in their faith and lacking knowledge, a baby Christian so to speak. A pastor's daughter is not what one would call a "baby Christian."

And for the record, while I could focus on your misconception that non-believers are offended by the cross, when most of us see it simply as a historical torture device, no more no less, (sorry couldn't help myself) My words are only said out of care and concern, that you are falsely punishing yourself by holding on to guilt that based on Christian theology has been forgotten by God.

Accountability is when a person realizes that everything that was afflicted to them by their choices is their fault.

No, accountability is taking responsibility for their actions. To admit when they have screwed up and learn from it. May reparations if need be and accept the consequences of their actions. Cause and effect.

You do not scream and yell a child for knocking over a glass of milk, but you may have the child clean it up and gently instruct them on how to avoid it in the future such as not leaving a glass too close to the edge of the table.

You sentence a man to death for the theft of a wallet, but you can reasonable pay a debt for his theft with a small jail sentence and restoring your property to you.

Those are poor examples, but it is the best I can come up with in a sleep deprived state. What I am trying to say is that you are passed the point of accountability and into the realm of excessive and unjust punishment. Not only self-inflicted but blaming God for excessive punishment as well. That is NOT accountability, that is cognitive distortion.

 

[sonicwhite]

Yes I believe I'm over the top with a God. When I had my bout of PURE O OCD look it up google it. I had a fear that I was at Gods Judgement. I felt the very fear and anxiety when I felt like I was about to be thrown in hell. There was no saving. It was too late. The anxiety is beyond what our bodies are capable of handling. So I accepted the fact that I'm going to hell. I pushed thru the fear by accepting that whatever life this is I'm going to make the best of it even tho I will perish.

This in itself was so traumatizing that I started to have nightmares about hell. This was in 08 . I had the psychosis in 05 inn which I thought God was trying to get thru to me that the life I was living was actually destroying me. I took five xtc pills. Got beat up, thrown in a unit. My skin was green because my organs where failing. They finally got me to the jail and asked me how many did I take. They already knew I was loaded because of the green tint.. They thrown me into a stretcher after two guards where trying to rape me. They put a catheter in me with the balloon open and pulled it out. I never imagine that the pee hole can be the size of a quarter. They had this device that took a sample of my blood and shot me up in both for arms with a benzo. I looked up at the skylight and said Please Father forgive me. And I fell asleep. Woke up in detox.

My organs where on the brink of failing yet they didn't even care enough to keep me in ICU. I was losing my mind. Went to another jail and was in the hospital sent ion until my skin turn normal. I had no strength.mi could barely stay up for ten minutes.

What I'm trying to say is how can so many ppl see what was wrong yet do nothing to help me.i don't want to live in a world that does not care. NDE .IS what it was. I know Jesus personally. Yet I can't convince anyone it actually happened unless they see it there selves. I was not drilled. I came close to death. I believe if your drilled Christ than you will not feel the actual love that comes from Him. I cried wept. And just saw the end of my life. Some how I asked God in the cell pls help me and for a few minutes I grasped that I needed to call someone. I get out and NDE or psychosis lasted five more months. I lost my ex. I lost my mind. But I saw that Jesus is the answer for everything.

In 08 after church I told myself in my heart and in my mind that I was leaving Christ. Not even ten minutes later I got hit with the pure o OCD. Hebrews 12 talks about the chastisement of Gods children to keep them from death. I was getting spankened because I wanted to go back to meth and everything else. It produce the fruit of righteousness. I think that when you are seconds away or even dead you finally relieze how precious life is.

I believe in resurrection . I don't believe that we go straight to heaven. Scripture I believe is the lucid ultimate authority to our problems desires and healing. I have a lot but I boast in what Christ did for me. And that was give me a second chance. I know why I suffer nightmares but that doesn't make it any better. Self loathing and mourning is what I do because I have been thru so much that those are the only feelings I know. My life in a nut shell.

 

[Ronin]

This in itself was so traumatizing that I started to have nightmares about hell.

Well, thinking of hell is clearly something causing you suffering - wouldn't the way out of it be to not trigger yourself more, and instead work against that suffering it's causing you?

(I had a similar delusion while locked up with some rather fine company for whom mock funerals and mock executions and similar forms of abuse were a normal day / while chronically sleep deprived & warmth deprived & starved, and it's still not the resulting psychosis that was my biggest problem, the years long trauma was.)