Drunk, Story Revealed...

[Flossy]

@Chava Dont dismiss it too early. I dont know how long you took it or how it was introduced of course. So ignore it if you've done all this. It took three months to kick in properly with no side efffects for me. The first two weeks I hated it and I had started on the lowest humanly possible dose. I have only been able to feel good on a low dose of 150mg a day in the last two weeks.

Consider, there may be a mental block to taking prescribed meds associated with alcoholism. Not trying to stick anyone in a box, just something I have noticed in friends with alcoholism and also a couple with BPD. Psychological block to do with meds. Just for you to consider it may be the case with your own subconscious thoughts. Bugger me, I'm over 60 and I find it hard to accept meds yet still search for the perfect one.

 

[Flossy]

@Chava. I do hope we haven't pissed you off with too much advise. But then, I guess that is the glory of this forum. We get told the hard stuff we dont want to hear. None of us really 'get it' with each personalised circumstance but there are some truths that are universal and we hate that. I don't want to grow up. I hate it. It's hard and I want to chuck a tanty. When the forum pisses me off or overhwhelms me more nowadays I head over to the fun threads in Social.

 

[Chava]

We get told the hard stuff we dont want to hear.

No, none of it's hard, stuff I know I need to remember...thanks. And med suggestions are helpful;..just not a good option for me (at least not right now, and never the standards...I think I'd like an injection of oxytocin or some neurofeedback, if those were even options for me where I'm at). I'm not pissed off about the forum or even my drunk stuff. But what pisses me off at this point is chronic pain and my bad pain med and sleep med circus (my doctor also doesn't have better options, but I might check back about switching muscle relaxants...limited options). I'd do better with none of it, which is my goal (trimming back a little daily and working with a new and safe resting technique).

p.s. (ETA) no mental blocks really...just I've been on all kinds of meds and ended up on a large cocktail. I had to go off in treatment for alcoholism years ago because insurance stopped paying for the meds. I felt better than ever...not clouded, I had a better sense of presence and humor. Also, I ended up hospitalized after a couple months on one of these SSRI/SNRIs. They shut me down. So do anti-psychotics and other forms of anti-depressants. I'm not a med person, and there isn't good research regarding meds for complex or developmental trauma. I have to do the long work of re-patterning my regulation stuff on a body level. But I'm really glad you found something that helps you. I know meds are helpful for many people. I'm going to check on extra therapy appointments and AA to get myself regrounded. I don't have long-standing anxiety. I have a lot of good days. I've just had some meltdowns I've managed poorly because I need some stronger tools or support for a bit.

 

[Chava]

Drunk again, because I'm one dumb mother f*cker. But it's a safe amount of booze and I'm in a safe space, if I don't drop a lit cig in the wrong place. I need to be tied to the ground in order to get grounded. No wait, then I'd be trapped. f*ck it. It's just difficult right now ., Okay?? I did go to AA tonight....delusion is that I'm still controlling my drinking, which right now I am...but the aim is still to get drunk. And it always goes down hill.

How I love oblivion. Thanks everyone for not giving up on this post. It's a f*cking mess.

 

[joeylittle]

Hey, @Chava, are you working with a sponsor? It sounds like you need someone to call when the urge to drink kicks in.

 

[ghotiff]

I don't know anything about alcoholism so I don't know what to say....

But, I'm here and I'm listening.

 

[Mamalphrus]

@Chava thank you for having the courage to post this, I needed to read this post. @Flossy thank you for posting as well - your words are powerful and have impact

 

[Rumors]

@Chava
Checking in with you today. Hoping you are managing ok. Wanted to send you good vibes and hope for an alcohol free day/night. Hang in there, Chava. You are going to get this. You are going to be ok.

 

[Chava]

@joeylittle ....I am working a tiny bit with a sponsor (meeting with someone but not so much working the steps at the moment). Maybe I don't know if I care. Also, there are a couple seconds between the idea of drinking and the decision to do it. I pick up a certain amount, get cigarettes and throw half the pack away so I know I won't smoke them all. I'm probably deluding myself into thinking I have some control here. It's not healthy.

But I do notice if I don't have an evening "plan" I can go off track in a split second. I hate routines but I think for the late evening I need to decide I'm doing something, like reading a certain book until I can fall asleep...that is my "work" or thing to focus on. Not the randomness of not knowing how to just go to bed. The nights I have a plan I maintain that wiser awareness. No plan = I allow my brain to get hijacked by my inner addict-self-destructive-idiot. I have to not leave space for that. High need for distractions and some kind of structure or calm-ish and containing activity in the evening.

ETA: met with therapist today and that was helpful...working on ways to safely let out some of the insane energy in small, non-overwhelming bits, then allowing myself to curl back in...somehow teaching my body/nervous system that I can contain myself...I won't blow apart...and hugging a stuffed animal is helping with jitters in my torso as they come and go.

 

[joeylittle]

High need for distractions and some kind of structure or calm-ish and containing activity in the evening.

I definitely can say that depression responds incredibly well to structure - meaning, make a plan, do it, and reap rewards. I hate, hate, hate the idea that I need to live my life that way - but I experience so much less suffering and step into so many less pitfalls when I make sure I have my empty time organized.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Hey @Chava tried to PM you but it wouldn't let me start a conversation. Just want to let you know you can message me if you want to talk to a drunk with PTSD. You can feel better, please be safe.

 

[Chava]

Thank you @KwanYingirl .... I cleaned out my mailbox so I don't know why a PM wouldn't work. Is this a different setting I don't have (not a paid member) ???