Dysfunctional relationship with my dad - shared trauma!

[Marvel545]

These are all fantastic responses guys, thankyou so much! I've thought about these overnight & I actually feel better. I am angry with my Dad but I also feel sympathy towards him. I think that's the root cause of why our relationship is where it is. I automatically go to the fawn response. I've took away my compulsive coping mechanisms, what I need to do now is develop healthy coping mechanisms.

I am that parent. Chronic homelessness issues for the past 10 years since a crazy and insane DV experience that went on even after I escaped. I was a disaster for a while there and I left the area so my kids didn't have to watch it anymore. Best to die on the streets of Vancouver than in their hometown. I didn't tell them that of course, but that was my thought at the time.

Sorry to hear that, it does sound like your getting back on the right track now though.

Honestly, if he won't stop, then you need to protect yourself any way you can. Perhaps you going to a bereavement group as well would help with your thought that the emotions of your mother's death will come screaming out at you.

I actually think this is a good idea, I'm going to look into what there is in my area. Groups have worked for my addictions, so I don't see a reason why they wouldn't work for bereavement. There was 1 girl in my school who lost her Mom around the same time as me. We always got on well, but never discussed parent stuff.

You need to hold onto your sanity because nobody else is going to do it for you. And perhaps your father needs you to slap him around a bit to get his attention. (not really slap of course).

Yeah, I agree with this as well. Boundaries as crucial to this & it may mean being blunt at first. I think boundaries really are the first step. It fills me with dread, but I need to do it.

for me, that "grief of losing ...is going to come through" I'm a a few decades older than you. For me that "grief coming through" is what does me in. there is a crazy relationship I'm hanging onto and I know the craziness of this relationship-the wide swings up and the wide swings down, almost like a chemical addiction almost, is if I let go of this relationship all that grief is going to completely blend with my being. the wall will come down and I will literally die. It feels like dying.

This is probably what my Dad is doing & in turn, I am doing with my Dad. Letting go of this means facing other issues.

I am still dealing with boundary setting with a parent; but know it gets easier with practice. I wrote a letter to my dad and spelled it out for him--I cannot see you or talk to you until I get emotionally healthy. When you did this to me, here is what happened to me emotionally. I have to deal and heal these emotions, so don't call or come over until I'm ready." Well, that lettert hurt his feelings and I had to see that look on his face; I had to watch him feel bad about himself and he even had a spiritual crisis as a result of my letter. It was pretty hard to endure and watch. I wanted to say' "Oh never mind, I didn't mean it. Let's keep things they way they are!" especially since I saw him probably daily for most of my life, and he was the most important person in my life. So to tell him I can't see you or talk to you... oh my gawd... so f-ing hard. It's not easy. I feel like I'm not typing any helpful stuff here. Bottom line we have to be very brave, and very courageous, and very strong at the same time we have to crumple up on floor and be as weak and vunerable and broken as wee little kid. Male or female. The needs and wants are pretty much the same.

Random thought --- do you have any older adults in your life that have good relationships? If you didn't have role models it's not surprising you and gf are having problems You have no frame of reference. Maybe some conversations with married couples outside of your family circle can help you see how it is supposed to be.

I really don't my Grandparents relationships aren't healthy & neither are my Aunties or Uncles. I think that would definitely help. I have a small family & there are issues across the board.

It amazes me how many stories I see here where the child was expected to be the parent. That is so unfair and just wrong. You were kids -- you should have been out playing and learning and growing instead of trying to keep your parents sane and shouldering all the duties of running a home. Then you become adults and don't know how NOT to be responsible for your parents -- because you grew up but your parents didn't. I think part of it is guilt because as you grow older you develop your own life, which means less time to care for mom or dad. Then they make you feel guilty for not being there for them. They just don't see how wrong it is. And it is wrong.

My Dad had a pretty crappy upbringing. His Mom is really hard work, I've posted about her a fair bit on my diary. She's a small part of my life really, but she has caused major issues. She never gets held to account, so the behaviour just continues.

 

[Freida]

My Dad had a pretty crappy upbringing.

This is not an excuse for his behavior. You are working your ass off to stop the cycle. He should have done the same.