Early Termination Of Therapy: Therapist Retiring Prematurely. My Anguish.

[Deleted member 33880]

It is not a boundary violation if he told you that you could email him.
I am all for closure myself. I am aware in myself that I often project onto others what I think they are saying or thinking or feeling about me, and so I have trained myself over time to actually make contact and ask the person instead of ruminating on ' possibles'. It usually work for me. It Doesn't always give me the outcome I would prefer but it most certainly clarifies things.
for example: Recently I sent an email to a friend who had acted outrageously badly to me and I suggested we meet up to discuss the mess. He ignored the email. that at least helped me to clear up the nagging feeling that I hadn't quite resolved in my own mind, : like whether I could have done more to clear things. I did what I could, I emailed, he is not willing or wanting to have a discussion or talk or anything - so I move on. At least I am clear now.

Boundaries are not as black and white as some people think. In the UK many therapists do therapy from their home. so if you know their home, it is because you have had sessions there, not because you are boundary infringing. Sensorimotor therapy and touch therapy is great for CPSD if the therapist knows the client really well. But out of context, someone could say ' oh, that is terrible, the therapist touched the client!'. You contacting your ex therapist who made it clear that you were allowed to contact him after therapy ended, cannot be a boundary violation on your part.
good luck with it - tell me/us how it goes.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

Back to the million dollar question, which you are, of course, not required to answer: Did your father molest you as a child? If so, you are seeking a reenactment with your therapist, albeit hopefully without actual sex. It could be that you are putting him in this position as a test: If I make myself available, will my therapist molest me, too?

Please be very very careful. Therapists are not gods. They make mistakes.

Oh god, do I know this. I really like your comments Buck. I could imagine chatting to you for hours one evening about all this therapy stuff. You have a lot of experience of it. As do I. I once tried to count up how many hours of therapy I have had - it is over 2,000. that is a LOT! With six different therapists, (3 men, 3 women). The wealth of experience that gives me is huge. Probably more than my post grad work at one of the most prestigious universities in the world. I am not as dumb about therapy as I seem here. :)

My father did not molest me that I know of (though there is some question mark about that.). My traumas are from other people. Mind you, I AM very vulnerable to father figures and my young traumatised self has attached to my psychologist like the little hurt child that she is. fortunately he is very loving and caring and careful and kind. He hasn't trampled on her. He is trying to tread carefully, as I am. i got no affection or touch as a child. I was in hospital and the work that was done to me, was such that I wasn't allowed to be touched. My parents were not able to attach to me emotionally or psychologically even despite my physical traumas, I had no other family, and I was in isolation a lot of the time in an age where sedation wasn't given to babies and toddlers for operations, they only gave me a drug that paralysed me. I could still feel. I could still feel on the operating tables. think about it. Actually, don't think about it too much, it is too awful.

So safe touch is a real issue for me. I am glad my therapist gets that and holds my hand, lets me come under his arm and hear his heart beat when I am in incoherent melt down and we have observed my pattern over the five years of touch being allowed: I come to him when in distress and I move away when I need to explain or talk some more. I look sound and behave like a small child. I sometimes cannot go to him to even hold his finger and go under his table instead, (nice safe space) and he encourages me to reach out to hold a finger or two instead of going under the table. I try hard to do this.

I know the dangers. I know how transference works. I know about counter transference. And I was abused by a male therapist 20 years ago so I know how wrong things can get. ( I got him struck off.) I think therapy has worked this time because he has been able to soothe the hysterical dissociating small child me. a heart beat is a very soothing thing.

I know therapy schools fall into very black and white camps about the touch thing: totally for or totally against. I get tired of people insisting it is wrong. I guess some people just get triggered at the thought and go in to a strong tirade or something about it. that is why I usually don't even mention it. It is not worth it.

If I had erotic feelings for my therapist, I would tell him so we could both be wary. I find him about as sexually attractive as tomato sauce on cake. Nice man though he is. (laptop about to lose all power, have to post this now or I will lose the whole post!)

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Therapeutic touch can be, well, therapeutic. What troubles me - and possibly other members - is the entire dynamics of your relationship with him. Given this, the touch aspect is troubling.

Remember, we are just third party observers, so to speak, but it sounds like your therapeutic relationship is unhealthy. Your version of it, as recorded here, sounds alarms.

I am also troubled that your situation has not improved after working intensively with him for so long. It could be that the therapy is actually reinforcing your child self's inappropriate behaviors.

Ben

 

[GWhizz]

Therapeutic touch can be, well, therapeutic. What troubles me - and possibly other members - is...

This. Yes. I had a T who failed to set appropriate boundaries. I even asked her to be firmer, telling her I needed that healthy relationship in a safe space. But I she only reinforced my acting out like a child by mothering me. Thankfully I had a supportive partner who saw the red flags and made me break it up. Though I will admit I found it very distressing to leave the comfort I felt she provided. I'm now actually getting the real help I need. Doesn't mean I don't act out anymore, just means my new T manages it appropriately and I actually grow rather than continuous regression as before.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

So, back on topic, I have met with three new therapists since last week and all three were very undertrained. I have also made an appointment to visit next Weds a private trauma clinic three hours away. I shall ask my psychologist to start applying for NHS funding for it. Can't hurt to try. I was leaving for therapy this morning, in a rush, and the phone was ringing. I was really needing therapy as we finished half way through a journal entry I gave him on tuesday and I was crying when I left and took a couple of hours to compose myself enough to drive home. When I left on tuesday he said ' try to remember it is only really a couple of days until I see you Friday adn we can pick up right here". So here I was hanging on. My M.E. was bad Wednesday for a variety of reasons and I was so glad it was now Friday. Anyway, I grab the phone, knowing that picking it up is going to make me late. It is his centre. To explain that due to family reasons, he will not be working today. Well, you can imagine how I felt: sorry for him, horrified for me, ashamed that I am feeling so extremely abandoned all over again. the usual.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

I visited the private trauma clinic that someone here on this forum signposted me to. They were very good. I would like to go there.
My therapist has cancelled the last three sessions. they only warn me about 15 mins before. He will probably cancel tomorrow too.
His 94 yr old dad died after being ill a while.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

My therapist is AWOL. No one seems to know when he is coming back. Not any time soon. It is over three weeks since I saw him last. He arranged no cover. I am angry and I am pissed off with him.
I go for a proper assessment at the private trauma clinic on Monday. If I go there, that is one way to sort out the anguish about my therapist ending with me - I will have GONE!

 

[DharmaGirl]

Oh my God! So he just left you hanging. I am so sorry.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

Yep - totally left me hanging with no back up. When I try to get back up they just say ' you have to wait until he is back but we don't know when he is coming back. '
it stinks.

 

[Suzetig]

If he's had a bereavement it may mean he's off work for a while - it's not something he has control over, we all need time to process grief and loss and he may just not be well enough to come to work.

You still need support though so it might be worth asking what they can put in place for you as a short term measure.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

Apparently he is not comimg back

 

[DharmaGirl]

Are they going to help you until you get established with a new T? Are you going to be ok? I know this must be killing you, but we are here for you. You can PM me if you want to talk.