Email Hijacking / Forum Shaming

[Deleted member 28986]

Has anyone else had an estranged significant other who gained access to your email account, clicked on the myptsd forum emails, read your posts, and proceeded to criticize you for the thoughts you shared?

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On the other hand, there is a VERY REAL positive. I was feeling quite a bit of shame about what I had written (horrible inner-critic stuff—feeling like I had exposed what a bad person I was. But my SO told me that in the post, I was painting myself as an angel and him as an evil human being. So maybe he has a crappy inner critic, too, and what I wrote was really not as polar as I thought it was. :-)

 

[shimmerz]

gained access to your email account, clicked on the myptsd forum emails, read your posts, and proceeded to criticize you for the thoughts you shared?

toxic. Perhaps even illegal.

So maybe he has a crappy inner critic, too, and what I wrote was really not as polar as I thought it was.

Good to keep a sense of humour about these things! lol.

 

[darrenS]

its sad when your partner does not respect your privacy. I have not suffered from this with my previous partner , but from previous experience , i liken it to being robbed and having that feeling of being invaded - its a serious breach of trust and creates some very toxic dynamics. There are areas where we should have complete privacy and choice and emails is certainly one of the most critical.

the way i have dealt with it in the very distant past, was to send emails to myself (of course with a different address) with content that would surely evoke a response , when i get that response i let them know what i have done and why

 

[Powder]

What I have done is have no secrets and set it up so that my spouse has access to my emails if he wanted. I have nothing to hide. I couldn't handle a relationship if we both had any doubts. I would not be able to handle that very well given the life I have survived. I would appear to be borderline (BPD) in that scenario, in some ways, with my lifetime of PTSD and the push-pull of needing to be loved (for once) and being afraid of being hurt.

I know I have issues growing up with PTSD for 30 years. I doubt Oprah or Dr. Phil would say to be like us, but this has worked for us and our trust and safety needs.

Frankly, just offering transparency makes people the opposite of curious. How boring is that? Why bother snooping if it's all out in the open?

What I asked for out of the transparency is that he occasionally might be asked to read an email first for me, to screen for triggering content. He has kindly agreed and has done this on two occasions with emails, when I felt vulnerable to attack by a sibling. He also screens the mail and when my narcissist mother sends unwanted mail, he takes it and holds onto it until he can tell I will be able to handle it, and then he shows it to me and asks what I prefer to do. I used to get the mail daily, until I had a bad year of abreaction flashbacks. He did not like seeing me so upset and broken. He's been willing to do so much on a daily basis to prevent my worst triggers. In some ways this has helped tremendously.

My husband is my best supporter and he is very sensitive to my emotional needs 98% of the time beyond what most people get in a spouse. I credit most of my recovery to him. My fear is that he will get tired of me and abandon me, or die. When the 2% of the time when he seems off line himself occurs, I can sometimes panic.

I don't know what your situation is really like. On the other hand, it seems to be sort of generally true that trust requires both parties to build up a system that makes the other person feel very secure all of the time. Trust is like a warm blanket in a cold world. Taking it off even for a moment sends a chill to the heart of someone. It needs to stay on all the time, for most of us, I suspect.

I'm not expert at all in this, just know that everyone is unique and has trust needs that must be dealt with carefully. I didn't understand that and did some damage in the early stages of my relationship.

 

[Deleted member 28986]

@shimmerz Humor is absolutely helpful. And I know it's funny, but this experience honestly did help me get over that shame! :-)

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@darrenS That sounds hilarious and tempting. Unfortunately we are going "no contact," so if it had an effect on him I wouldn't get the pleasure of witnessing it. I have already asked him what his point was—so he can see what a whore I am? (He has that impression, but he must be disappointed with my emails now.)

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@Muse If/when I am in a serious relationship again, I will be a lot more transparent than I have been in this marriage. Not sure I'll be quite as transparent as you :-), but definitely much more than I was.

My situation is that we're TRYING to get divorced and there's a lot of hate in the air. I am in, by far, the worst health since we've known each other. Just a week ago he promised I could count on him through this tough time, and now here we are. He cut all support and (almost all) contact. I feel abandoned... which it seems is a giant fear shared by many members here... so it's horrible, but I'm over the worst part, I think. Anyway, I got off topic.

Trust is like a warm blanket in a cold world. Taking it off even for a moment sends a chill to the heart of someone. It needs to stay on all the time, for most of us, I suspect.

What you say about trust is completely true. I lost his trust a year ago and it was never the same. We had problems before then, but he didn't know about them. I have a very bad habit of not talking about problems.

 

[Deleted member 28986]

This is simply an affirmation for myself:

I am doing my health a service by coming here to share emotions and experiences. It is anonymous, a disservice to no one. If someone is bothered by it, they can stop reading it.

 

[Wastinglight]

What I have done is have no secrets and set it up so that my spouse has access to my emails if he wanted. I have nothing to hide. I couldn't handle a relationship if we both had any doubts. I would not be able to handle that very well given the life I have survived. I would appear to be borderline (BPD) in that scenario, in some ways, with my lifetime of PTSD and the push-pull of needing to be loved (for once) and being afraid of being hurt.

I am trying to work towards something similar with my partner. Both of us have some pretty big trust issues (especially with regards to romantic relationships), so I try to be open with my partner to the point where I hope he doesn't feel the need to snoop in my stuff (not that I would mind). For example, if a text comes in while we're together, I will usually read it out or show it to him. Otherwise I will just bring up in conversation that I've been chatting with such-and-such about such-and-such - especially if it's a male friend or acquaintenance that I haven't mentioned before, so he never has to wonder who the guy is, and where he fits into my life.

I have noticed that he is starting to do likewise, and I am grateful for this, because I easily feel threatened by other women (I know, pathetic, but I'm working on it), and it helps that he shares his conversations with other people with me. It makes me feel like part of his life.

I am hoping that, in this way, we will be able to trust each other fully, in time.

@The One Who Knocks, that's a very full-on thing to have happen to you, but I am glad to hear that you have managed to use that not-so-great experience to help yourself move forward. That's a pretty amazing thing you've done!

 

[shimmerz]

Just a week ago he promised I could count on him through this tough time, and now here we are. He cut all support and (almost all) contact.

Ditto that. Feels (to me) somewhat like being a lone drifter cut loose in a dingy somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

I have a very bad habit of not talking about problems.

This habit lends itself very well to PTSD. Shame, acting out and then regret, lack of being able to process feelings, all sorts of things come into play here.

I have noticed that he is starting to do likewise, and I am grateful for this

Brilliance. Leading by example.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't think I'd ever go full transparency. This forum is a safe place for me. ie safe in that I'm anonymous here, I know nothing online is safe in absolute terms. Nobody knows I'm here and I only access it on private devices. And the bigger issue is that if this account is discovered, an angry ex could potentially use the information on here to make my (yours, anyone's) life a complete nightmare. Nobody deserves that power over my life.

 

[Deleted member 28986]

@Solara I feel your concerns about having your account discovered.

It was a disturbing feeling when my SO told me he read this, but that feeling has passed now. This is a public website, so I guess if someone happened to read something I wrote, and they either were involved in it or they recognize how I write, they would naturally know my identity.

That sounds like a worrisome thought, but I'm hoping to build a new me who will talk openly and honestly about his problems, and not feel ashamed when someone else finds out about them. Everyone has problems, even if they don't talk about them, so I am trying to learn that problems are nothing to be ashamed of.

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My therapist has noticed that, when I talk about a bad situation, I also talk about some positive aspect of it, no matter how bleak it may be. I realize it may border on avoidance, but it certainly feels good in the short term.

 

[Kintsugi]

I just want to say, @The One Who Knocks, if your ex was snooping around so he "can see what a whore" you are, he is obviously pretty sick himself.

 

[Justmehere]

Wow, his actions speak so loud and clear of his completely crappy character. Whatever you did to lose his trust, you absolutely do not deserve to be treated this way whatsoever. He is willing to commit a criminal act against you and then shames you for it. (Unauthorized access to an email account is indeed a felony in most areas in the US...) Then to say what he did next... ugh. So wrong!

I admire your ability to see the bright side of something. As long as the bright side isn't a denial of how dark the other aspects are, it could be a very good tool to get through. I'm glad you are here on the forum and won't let the jerk scare you off. :hug: Good work in rising above his attempts to shut you down!