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Embarrassed in therepy even with emdr

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Taylormade73

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Talk therepy shuts me down So my therapist has been encouraging me to try EMDR again. I did it a few times with my last therapist but I can’t handle the body sensations.. and when they ask where I feel it in my body I don’t want to say because it embarasses me. I was sexually abused repeatedly throughout my childhood by different perpetrators sometimes when I think about it I feel aroused but I don’t want to tell her that I feel that way while I’m sitting there in her office doing EMDR. And even if I try doing it on a different target my brain just loops back around to the sexual abuse. I just feel like she will think I’m a pervert because I have a long history of sexually compulsive behaviors.
 
I’m so sorry for what you’ve experienced. And your current struggles.

Here’s a truth for you: arousal does not necessarily equate to pleasure OR consent. It’s just a biological function.

When you say you “shut down” do you mean dissociate?
 
Thanks ☺️ .... I have a hard time using the word dissociate for some weird reason but yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s what it is...my therapist thinks so but even that embarasses me.
 
Yeah I can’t articulate the word either. I can write it just fine. f*ck it ;)

My T recently referred me to a psydoc. I was so hesitant and it was a 2 month wait for an appointment. Went last week and geez was she good. Meds are a minimal part of what she does. Essentially she said that the fact that I dissociate in session at the drop of a hat means I don’t feel safe enough. So she’s teaching ME to soothe the inner child. Totally freaks me out but I’m giving it a shot. I don’t think time should be a measure of success by the way. I’m very early on in my journey so I can’t give you much more than that.
 
Yeah, that’s pretty much what my T says. I like her but it feels weird because I feel like she talks to me as if I’m a child. I’m not sure if it’s because I do kind of regress when I’m in therepy or if that’s just the way she is. I just wish I could get over this embarrassment or shame, or whatever it is that makes me hold back. I did the same thing with my last therapist...it’s been five years and I’m still having trouble.
 
I would encourage you to try emdr only because I see it as an avenue to rid yourself of some of that shame. It took me several years to get there as well so don't judge the time it has taken just focus on healing. God knows that takes enough energy without wasting it on shame... best wishes. I know it isn't easy.
 
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