Embracing The Fear, Becoming The Aggressor, Physically Acting Out Dreams.

[adruidwolf]

Since childhood raised in the "60's" I started having dreams of tracking Vietnamese in the jungle which quickly turned bloody and messy. Very specific and detailed operations were given then we went out. I was born in 1962 so my real exposure to these events would have been the limited exposure through the media.

Often the same dream would pick up where it left off the night before. I recall very detailed killing and torture of the capture enemy. Something I suppose the media did not expose on TV at that time.

As I grew into my teens the nightmares became mentally exhaustive due to the contents which became consistent with demons and very dark forces that seemed to choke me out at night and like a thick heavy wet blanket laying on my body. Over a period of time these entities began to have forms. I learned somehow to become a part of the dream sequence which took the feelings of fear away but was shaken due to the contents. As these entities took form, I began to recognize characteristics of people I knew which triggered a very strong emotional response towards them. I began hunting them trying to determine their actual identity and who they were, not how they appeared in the dream. They seem to always be in groups of three.

Following my deployment into the Gulf-War, I learned I could directly come into contact with them and those who were seeking my harm in the dreams. The problem was any time I had the opportunity to physically attack them, it was like hitting a ghost and did no damage no matter how I grabbed them, hit, or kick the attack just swept through as a ghost. When I have felt the contact I have increased as much aggression as I could. which nearly cost the life of two pets, who would come sit on my chest when I started the sequence of violent dreaming.

Last few years of sharing the bed with my wife has resulted in physical attacks on her acting out the dream state I was in. I could physical feel the contact with the person in the dream and knew at the time I could inflict the damage that I felt justified against them, not her. The episodes caused a separation. The dreams continue to escalate to the point of having an object in my hand and throwing it, usually stuff on my night stand I make contact with while reaching about.

I have tried medications but the side effects have been worse than the dreams. I am not allowed to watch the NEWS which will actually increase the episodes, I have used a variety of meditations over the past 25 years which does help, along with mindfulness and soft music mostly Celtic, and softer music. It has helped at night, I believe the calming effects my subconscious.

I have not been able to find a consistent trigger that sets these episodes off. I follow closely to the suggested sleep hygiene concepts. I am obviously missing something, that cannot be found in medication or therapy treatments. Maybe this format with similar experience, Peers, might have been through this with success out-comes and can share how they were able to contain their experiences.

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the forums.

When I'm in a nightmare cycle... I strip my bedroom down to just about nothing. I keep it mostly that way, anyway, but nightmare up = nothing in reach 360 degrees. Absolutely nothing that can be used as a weapon. No lamps, no side tables, no cords, no drapes, no alarm clocks, no phones... If I'm really doing badly, no damn bedding, and sometimes no walls (hello camping). Definitely no people. When married, that meant I'd take my happy ass down to the couch. I'm enough of a weapon in and of myself, and thank f*cking god for sleep paralysis. I've hurt people badly enough even at partial strength.

I have never been able to control nightmare cycles. They come on, I deal with them until they're done, I go back to normal. They're pretty cyclic. Not in a predictable kind of way like with triggers or times... Although anniversaries tend to ramp them up, so does sleeping alone to begin with... Just that they come on, stay for awhile, go away... Come on stay for awhile, go away.

Certain things tend to help, and certain things tend to make things worse, but neither is a guarantee.

 

[joeylittle]

Something I suppose the media did not expose on TV at that time.

Actually, there was a lot of intense, violent media coverage of the Vietnam war - so it's not hard to imagine that you would have seen some pretty brutal things, especially as seen through the eyes of a kid, which you were.

I am obviously missing something, that cannot be found in medication or therapy treatments.

Have you tried building an actual meditation practice? You do a number of things that lean in that direction, but I could suggest that getting into some loving-kindness meditation specifically (it's a thing, you can google it) might help very slowly shift some of the violence out of your subconscious. Meditation isn't a quick fixer of anything, but it's definitely been proven to contribute to the 're-wiring' of the brain, and it might help.

Are you in therapy right now? Does your therapist help with this?

 

[adruidwolf]

Most of my life I have been drawn to meditation, but religious affiliation at that time was an extreme obstacle, Having washed my hands of religion ( an organized process of how a person is taught or trained to believe in a mutual God in a structured environment) Spirituality I learned is that direct relationship between my-self and the Gods I believe in. Nothing stands in the way of judgment or right or wrong communications. Nor can a person determine my own worthiness of relationship with my Creator or Spiritual beliefs.

The last 20 plus years I have used meditation as well taught students how to use it to transcend the mundane into their own realm and what they decide to allow to enter into that sacred space once created. I was introduced to Mindfulness by a Psychiatrist who had spent years with actual monks learning and living that life style for a number of years. What I learned in Mindfulness enhanced my own meditation without having to be in my space I use for my normal meditations at night.

These tools have calmed me quite a bit in comparison of where I was and resolved much shame and degradation brought on by many years of my own inability to really understand the necessity of the overall religious perfection or face hell as an outcome by one's mans ability to judge your status.

My return from the Gulf-War was met with a face to face interview with a church leader in his house. He had a split level off the front room that was very visible down the hallway. I am getting lectured on how I had to put my family in order by him and his counselor and at thee same time in the hallway his teen daughter was obviously headed into the shower with her brother right behind her, she closed the door a few minutes later the teen boy had wedged the door open standing there looking into the bathroom. At the same time I am getting told to put my house in order or face church action for not honoring my membership in this church. I am listening to what he is saying wondering if I should point out that his teen son was watching his teen daughter taking a shower. For me that was the ultimate act of how deeply dysfunctional many religious organizations have become. I was actually physically relieved when I walked away from that house and removed my membership that brought about such degrees of shame throughout my life.

Degrees of meditation has put these events and feelings in the past, the mindfulness helps me to realize it is only a random thought that I can let drift away such as the thought came then I am not consumed with regurgitating the event. In combat or being in an active field most people do not understand the bonding between squads members nor the intensity by which those bonds become. Leaving that behind when a person comes out of the field does leave a person very vulnerable, even with some family members who have abandoned the person, my-self included. You tell the truth, they call you a liar because they cannot fathom or come close to relating what it is like nor do they want to change their perception of my little child did what? Others abandoned because of the fear from simply performing your job. I have never met a person who has ever been 100% pure by their conscious acts that they will take to death and beyond. I know in my own Recovery I have admitted to myself that some of the memories and for me deepest portion of the abyss is not only a part of my life but my soul and spirit which will carry that responsibility for my own actions and decisions made. Sometimes walking out of it is astounding and takes days to realize what really happened and my own actions played out in the process.

My first wife I awoke out of a dream with her nearly dead. I removed all the firearms out of the house. My third wife had the two dreams played out I probably would be in a cell somewhere trying to figure this all out. Not many people understand, let alone comprehend the level of self preservation that can take place in a mere few moments of a dream cycle resulting in such a level of violence. The medications that were very successful in some cases were thought to be a majik bullet. Yet my experience became episodes of increased violence, I just did not remember the dream or why things were in a disarray about the room. My experiences have always come back to meditations and calming environment.

In Recovery there are always those who have experienced similar events, I believe events or circumstances happen for a reason. Finding this forum has given me a sense of relief in knowing others survived these situations and that for me gives me hope in and for my own Recovery process.