BlueOrange
Diamond Member
Having read a lot of EMDR threads, I figured I'd write about my experience, having started EMDR quite recently. (tldr version: it was scary as hell, but it worked out for me.)
Background
I've been seeing the same therapist for 13 years (on and off) now. Recently, I've hit a plateau in terms of recovery and relief - things that used to get me back to work and a happy life haven't succeeded this time around. We both had a sense that there are things that need to be processed, I think, but the processing wouldn't happen via our established methods.
The week before
He said to me, "I think we should try EMDR. I've been reluctant to use it because I wasn't sure that it could be done safely, but I think I now understand how to do it safely." I replied "Let's try it." I felt confident, having read a number of EMDR threads, that it could work - we had a very strong relationship, and I felt confident that he would protect me from anything bad that might happen. He seemed very nervous (overly careful), I just wanted to get on with it and do it. He asked me to prepare for the next session by picking something to try and process during the EMDR attempt.
I tried to pick something that was 'a 6 out of 10' for difficulty during the following week, and found it very difficult to do so - everything seemed to be either 2 or 3 out of ten, or ten out of ten. The thing that I was desperate to do was the book-keeping for my business, and I kept bouncing off it, like it was a wall of static.
The session
The session started with the usual 'how have you been for the last week' stuff, and I was much more open about my general level of distress than usual. I presented with the body language of a 'crazy person' and we agreed that while he (my therapist) was not frightened by my presentation, other people might find it very distressing. We agreed that there is a time and a place for that kind of body language, and that 'in your therapist's office during a session' was a perfect time and place for it. After about 15 mins, we moved to different chairs (closer together, more upright, less comfortable) to do the EMDR.
I talked about having difficulty picking something to do, and we agreed that I would try to think about doing the book-keeping while watching his finger - we would aim for me to look & process for one minute. I managed about 3 seconds before getting very uncomfortable and shifting about, looking away. There was a brief pause, and then we tried again. I stayed with it, and found myself flooded - I don't know what I was flooded by, there was so much of it. I started crying, and kept looking at his finger as best I could. After about 15 seconds, my eyes were clamped closed from the effort and the tears, and I said "I have no idea what your finger is doing."
He said, "What can I do to help you feel safe?"
I replied, "Asking that question is a really good start." And then, "I'd like to go back to that other chair." He consented, and I went back to the really comfortable chair where I normally sit (one that I have come to associate with safety).
I don't remember exactly what happened next - there's a buzzing sensation in my skull as I try to do so. I remember that we talked about how things didn't have to go to plan to be successful. That it was good to have tried, and that the fact that I had touched something was important.
My leg started to hurt. I remembered when it was broken when I was 12, but I remembered it from a different perspective than I had remembered previously. It was a perspective that helped me to understand what I'm going through at the moment. He confirmed that I had not told him that perspective before.
I said, "Well, I feel like I've made progress. That usually means it's been 45 minutes." He said "53 minutes, actually. But I thought it was more important that you feel stable and safe than that we end on time." So we then wrapped things up as quickly as we could, and I left.
After the session
I've been very tired this week, and have ended up cancelling a number of things that I had planned to do. People have been making contact with me and I've been able to receive that contact in a positive way. I've had a 1.5 hour conversation with my father that I enjoyed (I was sad when it was over) - given his role in the formation of my DID, this is a very positive sign. (It's worth noting that while I have often gone into the Fawn response with him, there is good reason to believe that I wasn't in the Fawn response on this occasion.)
My ability to prepare food and do minor household chores has significantly improved (pretty much immediately, having plataued for months). My ability to do the book-keeping has not improved. I've had some extremely stressful but productive conversations within some other relationships. I feel, on the whole, more connected to myself, more coherent, more able to articulate what I want to say.
Conclusions
EMDR is difficult, and not without risk. It tested me to my limits, and I've spent a lot of the last 13 years expanding those limits. The rewards you aim for and the rewards you get could be very different to each other. You need to be able to trust your therapist, and they need to be worthy of that trust. My plan is to do it again tomorrow (in other words, I think it's worth it).
Background
I've been seeing the same therapist for 13 years (on and off) now. Recently, I've hit a plateau in terms of recovery and relief - things that used to get me back to work and a happy life haven't succeeded this time around. We both had a sense that there are things that need to be processed, I think, but the processing wouldn't happen via our established methods.
The week before
He said to me, "I think we should try EMDR. I've been reluctant to use it because I wasn't sure that it could be done safely, but I think I now understand how to do it safely." I replied "Let's try it." I felt confident, having read a number of EMDR threads, that it could work - we had a very strong relationship, and I felt confident that he would protect me from anything bad that might happen. He seemed very nervous (overly careful), I just wanted to get on with it and do it. He asked me to prepare for the next session by picking something to try and process during the EMDR attempt.
I tried to pick something that was 'a 6 out of 10' for difficulty during the following week, and found it very difficult to do so - everything seemed to be either 2 or 3 out of ten, or ten out of ten. The thing that I was desperate to do was the book-keeping for my business, and I kept bouncing off it, like it was a wall of static.
The session
The session started with the usual 'how have you been for the last week' stuff, and I was much more open about my general level of distress than usual. I presented with the body language of a 'crazy person' and we agreed that while he (my therapist) was not frightened by my presentation, other people might find it very distressing. We agreed that there is a time and a place for that kind of body language, and that 'in your therapist's office during a session' was a perfect time and place for it. After about 15 mins, we moved to different chairs (closer together, more upright, less comfortable) to do the EMDR.
I talked about having difficulty picking something to do, and we agreed that I would try to think about doing the book-keeping while watching his finger - we would aim for me to look & process for one minute. I managed about 3 seconds before getting very uncomfortable and shifting about, looking away. There was a brief pause, and then we tried again. I stayed with it, and found myself flooded - I don't know what I was flooded by, there was so much of it. I started crying, and kept looking at his finger as best I could. After about 15 seconds, my eyes were clamped closed from the effort and the tears, and I said "I have no idea what your finger is doing."
He said, "What can I do to help you feel safe?"
I replied, "Asking that question is a really good start." And then, "I'd like to go back to that other chair." He consented, and I went back to the really comfortable chair where I normally sit (one that I have come to associate with safety).
I don't remember exactly what happened next - there's a buzzing sensation in my skull as I try to do so. I remember that we talked about how things didn't have to go to plan to be successful. That it was good to have tried, and that the fact that I had touched something was important.
My leg started to hurt. I remembered when it was broken when I was 12, but I remembered it from a different perspective than I had remembered previously. It was a perspective that helped me to understand what I'm going through at the moment. He confirmed that I had not told him that perspective before.
I said, "Well, I feel like I've made progress. That usually means it's been 45 minutes." He said "53 minutes, actually. But I thought it was more important that you feel stable and safe than that we end on time." So we then wrapped things up as quickly as we could, and I left.
After the session
I've been very tired this week, and have ended up cancelling a number of things that I had planned to do. People have been making contact with me and I've been able to receive that contact in a positive way. I've had a 1.5 hour conversation with my father that I enjoyed (I was sad when it was over) - given his role in the formation of my DID, this is a very positive sign. (It's worth noting that while I have often gone into the Fawn response with him, there is good reason to believe that I wasn't in the Fawn response on this occasion.)
My ability to prepare food and do minor household chores has significantly improved (pretty much immediately, having plataued for months). My ability to do the book-keeping has not improved. I've had some extremely stressful but productive conversations within some other relationships. I feel, on the whole, more connected to myself, more coherent, more able to articulate what I want to say.
Conclusions
EMDR is difficult, and not without risk. It tested me to my limits, and I've spent a lot of the last 13 years expanding those limits. The rewards you aim for and the rewards you get could be very different to each other. You need to be able to trust your therapist, and they need to be worthy of that trust. My plan is to do it again tomorrow (in other words, I think it's worth it).
