Emdr Sessions And Hours After Are Getting Bad

[Marymickaela]

My therapist wants me to stay on track with the target we're working on, which is a sexual abuse experience that happened in my 20's. We're trying to get to the root of it and I have had extreme flashbacks to when I was around 5 and being held down and raped by at least 3 boys. During our session I hopelessly kept saying that it couldn't have happened as I would remember it, but my body was telling me that it did happen so I just kept repeating that it couldn't have because it would have been too horrific. She said that there's a connection in our brain that runs to your stomach and our body's reaction knows what happened even if our mind can't accept it. I just kept rocking and rocking.

I left our session Thursday totally numb, slightly dissociated, mostly present, but in a daze. As the day progressed I just kept hearing those boys voices over and over in my head saying "hold her down", "keep her quiet" as they had their hands over my mouth to keep me from screaming for help. The entire day went like that with those images replaying in my head. I thought "this has got to stop, or I'm going to go crazy". Could this make me have a breakdown?

For those with PTSD what do you do to make the images stop? I don't want it to be true, but the deeper we get into EMDR the more my body is telling me it is true. The original flashbacks I experienced of the entire rape weren't forced during therapy; they happened at a different time several years ago during an acupuncture treatment, came out of nowhere and then re-experienced every day over a two week period. I was in that garage, being held down and raped by those boys, heart racing and pounding out of my body.

I definitely remember being in the garage around age 5 with several boys putting sticks up into my vagina, but don't remember it as being scary. I can see me standing in the middle of the garage with my panties down while the boys hunted for sticks and would come and insert them. Are these incidents connected and I'm distorting or misinterpreting them?

It's now 2 days since the EMDR session and I'm feeling better, but is every EMDR session and the rest of the day going to be like this? I don't think I can do it. I don't want to accept that this happened to me as it's just too horrible for words. I've asked my Irish twin brother as we were usually always together. However, he has blocked out an incident when he was 19 where my dad was choking and almost killed him. I remember it, as does my younger brother, but my older brother has no recollection at all. My psychiatrist tells me that the key to my getting better is thru EMDR.

Any advice on how to bounce back after sessions?

 

[shimmerz]

My therapist wants me to stay on track with the target we're working on,

I don't know if this means EMDR session after EMDR session or not. What is the target? It seems to me like you may need to take the reins away from your therapist if things are going too fast. Slow it waaaayyyyy down. Just my thoughts after reading this.

 

[anew]

Dear Marymickaela

You don't say how long you've been having EMDR so I am going to assume you are pretty new to it.
There is no bouncing back after a session it can be very tough and the best thing you can do is prepare yourself for feeling tired and upset afterwards. If you drive to your therapist maybe have a rest in your car after or if that isn't possible where you park, drive somewhere nearby where you can pull over to have a cry or a nap.If you live close by maybe factor in a bit of time for a lay down at home for those occasions when it seems particularly difficult to go back to real life.
Remember it isn't your therapist bringing up these thoughts, feelings and memory's (leastways it shouldn't be) and it isn't your therapist that has to learn to deal or cope with them that is something that you have to do. Your brain is going to be trying to make some kind of sense out of any issues (maybe not the best word) that come up and you can't make that stop just because the session has finished you can't even make it stop when you sleep, so best thing is to prepare to be upset.

Hope this is a help.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

I went through EMDR. If it gets to painful for you, you need to tell your therapist that you need a short break. Mine got pretty stressful for me, not only because of memories that I was aware of, but because I have many repressed memories that I cannot recall to process.

 

[Marymickaela]

Thank you for your replies. It's helpful. EMDR is new to me. I've only been doing it a couple months. It's not my therapist bringing up these thoughts. In fact she says as little as possible. I do EMDR using headphones and listening to tones. She sits to my side. I close my eyes and try to move them back and forth in synch with the tones to get the REM effect.

When it started to get really intense she twice said "let's shut the tones off, now take a deep breath and hold it for a minute". I think it was to help keep me grounded as much as possible. She never gives me any suggestions except to maybe try to keep me on Target and until last week I usually go off Target. When I started EMDR I told her I never cry. Well our Target had something to do with my girlfriend being murdered and somehow as we progressed my mind opened up and I was walking back into my mom's room at the hospital with the nurse sayings she's "gone". I started sobbing and sobbing over losing my mom. I'm not always able to get in touch with my emotions or what the Target is, but I guess it was ok as I got in touch with something.

I'm going to talk to her this week and go over our Targets again as I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with this early memory although she said it's always good to go back to the earliest memory of the trauma. Even thou my body is telling me that trauma happened my mind can't and doesn't want to accept it happened. She always spends time at the end making sure I'm ok. Last week our session lasted 1 hr and 15 min.

I was a mess for about a 1 1/2 days and then everything was fine again. I'm dealing with a lot of health issues too so that helps distract me from the mental stuff. I had a massage last week and have scheduled another for next week.

Thanks again.

 

[selfcompassion]

Caution: This could be very triggering:

My therapist wants me to stay on track with the target we'...

Grieve. Also EMDR can retraumatized if the shrink doesn't close the loop. Imagine going back there as an adult protecting and rescuing yourself.
Sometimes I wouldn't feel better until 4 days after a session.

You can also try self care and self compassion. Sometimes I felt this therapy was like walking through fire until I got to the otherside. Have you read any of Peter Walker books on complex PTSD ? I found his take on the issue very helpful, and he has CPTSD as well.

 

[Marymickaela]

We didn't do EMDR this week, just talked and I read her what I posted here so we had a lot to discuss.

You can also try self care and self compassion. Sometimes I felt this therapy was like walking through fire until I got to the otherside. Have you read any of Peter Walker books on complex PTSD ? I found his take on the issue very helpful, and he has CPTSD as well.

I will this out. Thanks.

 

[selfcompassion]

We didn't do EMDR this week, just talked and I read her what I posted here so we had a lot to discu...

Let me know what you think....my therapist has thank me for letting her know about Peter Walker, as it has been very beneficial to her other clients

 

[selfcompassion]

Grieve. Also EMDR can retraumatized if the shrink doesn't close the loop. Imagine going back ther...

What I mean about feeling better, is lighter...I felt lighter, like some weight had been lifted off of me.

 

[konfused]

So I NEVER thought in a million years "I" could have experienced any sort of childhood molestation. I think I may be wrong, but not quite sure. During an EMDR session I began remembering things from grade school. A creepy assed coach with a perverse spirit. Yuck! Low and behold I began having really bad vaginal pain during and after the session.

I cannot be making the pain up, so perhaps something did happen to me. I'm not sure, but I want this madness to stop. The pain is very intense. I'm going to continue with EMDR to "get to the root" of whatever the hell may be wrong with me. Has anyone else had physical pain after EMDR?

 

[selfcompassion]

I started having nightmares about the suffocation abuse, and would randomly stop breathing. I remembered the silky feel of the scarf, the musty smell from being in the closet for awhile, I remember the light surrounding it gradually being blocked out as it came closer to my face. I remember the terror and waking up screaming.
The pain is part of a flashback, repressed. The way to freedom is to ride it out, in an self aware manner, where you are gentle and kind to yourself.....feel your way to health and freedom. A healthy part of you must always be present, so you don't get stuck in the trauma vortex.

 

[samson]

I completely understand what you are experiencing. I remembered a rape from 6th grade that I couldn't believe actually happened, but my body had alot to say about that. Some times I still revert to the thought that it couldn't have really happened, but my therapist asked me "if it's not real, then what is it?" I ask myself that when I begin to doubt. My body couldn't make this up on it's own. No one would choose to feel and see the things I'm feeling and seeing.

It does get better. It really does. But I know that doesn't help when you are in the middle of it. I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm sorry no one remembers it. Allow your feelings about it to have value now. You are a survivor!