Facing Fear During EMDR Session


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I was led to this site after googling “Vomiting during therapy.” Today during my EMDR session, there was a great black hole, swirling with bits of grey inside of me. I watched it, me and my little self (who I had helped earlier in the session) along with black panther who’s always there and has been for some time now. When my shrink paused the session to check in, I told him how I felt -like I was going to vomit. I’ve never felt that before and my mind started to take over. All these thoughts forcing vomit back down -fear of throwing up in my shrinks office, choking while throwing up, and the intimacy being around someone when you throw up. Most notably, the fear of not being able to push through. My mind was trying to protect me, I wasn’t mad at it, so I tried to “keep it together” but that hinders EMDR seeing as it’s meant for me to lose and loosen it -but not force it, and I kept that in mind when I went back into the session. I won’t go into detail, but the next time I checked in with my shrink, without thinking, I said I have to throw up. He asked me where. I said the bathroom, and got up. He opened the door, “Take your time” as he shuts it behind me. I sat in front of that toilet for 15 minutes. Purging and visualizing, talking to my little self and black panther about not wanting to do this. Little self and black panther held onto me and released a great beam of light through and out of me. My head jerked up and I opened my mouth. I threw up some more. And more. And more. When finished, I wept and thanked little self and black panther for helping me, and then I smelled sage. I walk back into my shrinks office and he had lit some. I told him thank you and we finished the session. I come back Friday for check in. After, I felt like I was in a haze. I went to the diner and just sat, gazing out the window. People were around me and yet I felt off. Not a dissociative off, rather, a nothing kind of off. I didn’t feel much, but I didn’t feel numb either. I know I had a tremendous breakthrough today, and I know that this state I’m in will pass, but woof. What a day. I’m glad to find a place where people understand the work one does in order to get through -a place you’re free to be, free to practice yourself, and this life given, is a gift, truly. I don’t need praise, I need community. I guess after years of being a recluse and doing the work, it’s paying off because I’m listening to myself and meeting my needs -the most valuable being people, just like me. Sometimes I’m unable to see my progress, but it’s becoming more tangible, and I see it right now, even if it’s still a bit hazy:) There’s this African Proverb I keep near: “Those who have suffered, know.” xxB