Emdr Therapy

[TheRedTree]

Hello everyone,

I just joined here on this forum, just want to say hello and I'm glad I found you guys. I currently have seen two different therapists for EMDR. The first one was good, however I had to move away so I didn't stay with her. She tried to get me to do some EMDR through tapping different sides of my body and this was just a mild form of EMDR- she was doing this to see how well I would handle it. Well, not very well. We found out that I didn't really have a strong enough safe place and now I'm having issues with what it really means to be "safe."

Well I moved away from my old city and now I see a new therapist in my new city. We just started last week and she was just telling me about EMDR. I find that whenever I try to do my safe place, I feel disassociated from my body. I do not have DID but I do disassociate sometimes. I feel that all forms of abuse stopped when I went away to college at the age of 22. This was when I started to remember all the horrible things that happened to me. I started to see a really good rape therapist at my university and when I graduated I took a two year break from therapy only to start again this year at age 27 with the money from my new job.

EMDR is still this strange, foreign thing to me and sometimes it scares me. I'm afraid that...what if I can't handle it. What if I have a flashback while in the middle of a performance and my band director finds out that I'm in therapy. In my job, if they find out you're in therapy, you get removed from work, no matter how strong you are. You loose your job. There is no other way to do this right now. I can't wait until my contract is over to start therapy (that's another 8 months). I can't wait that long to start to put the pieces together again. I don't want to wait until I'm old to begin healing and taking control over my life. I'm so tired of reacting to triggers. I can't take this anymore. I've been reacting to triggers my whole life. I don't REMEMBER a time in my life when I felt safe. It all started when I was really little.

Has anyone else ever had EMDR therapy and what do they do to handle the intense emotions/memories? My therapist says do breathing exercises/grounding exercises and meditate with your safe place...but what if that's not enough? My safe place involves being with my twin sister, who was killed. Sometimes it doesn't feel safe because eventually I remember the way she died and it was horrible. I wonder if I'll ever feel safe. How is it even like?

 

[Frontier-Heart]

Has anyone else ever had EMDR therapy and what do they do to handle the intense emotions/memories? My therapist says do breathing exercises/grounding exercises and meditate with your safe place...but what if that's not enough? My safe place involves being with my twin sister, who was killed. Sometimes it doesn't feel safe because eventually I remember the way she died and it was horrible. I wonder if I'll ever feel safe. How is it even like?

EMDR was life-changing for me, but it was also hellish and terrifying, and it brought up a lot of stuff that I Wasn't even aware of. If you have a good therapist, they'll make sure that you're able to stay stable enough through therapy, though it will probably still be bumpy even in the best circumstance.

I had to do A LOT of work to get ready for therapy. I spent months practicing mindfulness, self-compassion exercises, breathing and visulazaion exercises, etc etc. You have to find what works for you, personally, and PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE to build emotional tolerance and coping skills.

If you're worried about stuff coming up outside of therapy, ask your therapist to help you develop and effective "container" technique. That's an exercise to help you avoid processing anything outside of therapy. Also, the more you can lean on strong social supports,, the better you'll be. I know that's hard, maybe terrifying, and might not even be viable depending on where you're at. It took me a long time to start trusting people enough to tell them anything, much less be vulnerable and ask for help with my trauma work.

You're doing awesome, and this as brave as bravery gets. Just the fact that you're even willing to face this stuff says SO MUCH about you, your strength, and that you have already made progress just to get to this point. You can do it, and thought it might seem impossible now on the other side is a place where you will start to feel love and trust for yourself and others. <3

 

[joeylittle]

In my job, if they find out you're in therapy, you get removed from work, no matter how strong you are. You loose your job.

Are you sure this is true? I'm asking because there are lots of laws that try and prevent that sort of thing.

Also: what is the likelihood of you having a symptom flare-up in the middle of a concert? I'm not saying it wouldn't happen, just asking to what degree you are feeling like you are unable to do your job.

 

[TheRedTree]

Hey Joeylittle,

I'm so afraid to tell you who I work for. I mean, they could find this thread online and I could get into trouble. I mean, when I was applying for my job, they found out I was in rape therapy and they almost didn't hire me. They cannot know.

Well, referring to the flare ups with my PTSD, um...my band director is a massive, walking trigger. He reminds me of my abusive father (because he acts just like him) and other abusive people in my past. My therapist now says that I must find a "safe place" in my mind while in his presence because he could be the one to trigger me when shit hits the fan.

Well, to what degree I feel like I can do my job? In my past, I have performed music right after the death of my twin sister with a very emotionally abusive band director and have been able to do my job. What happens is that I end up disassociating on stage and just play music like a robot. I'm not even aware sometimes of what I'm playing. If you've played music that long sometimes it can be automatic. It's hilarious because no one knows the difference. I just play the right notes because I've done their concerts so many times before. Sometimes, if it's really, really bad, I might miss a few cues or notes but so far it was nothing that catastrophic. If this happens, which isn't that often when I completely check out/disassociate onstage, I brush it off as just a silly mistake. I think this is really sad. There was a time in my life where music made me alive. I grew up being forced to act like nothing was wrong and this affected my art. I must fix this so that I can feel the music again. It's hard to practice when you feel so scared. It's hard to learn new things when you're triggered.

It's the FEAR that's talking here. What if I get completely messed up by EMDR and have a flashback onstage that involves my father yelling at me for doing something "wrong" when I played a "wrong" note? What if this and what if that? It's the what ifs that get me.

Thank you, Frontier-Heart for your kind words and inspiration. It is much appreciated.

 

[joeylittle]

@TheRedTree, just writing back quickly to say - there's no need to tell me who you work for. But because of US privacy and anti-discrimination laws, the odds are very high that you legally could not be fired for attending therapy.

If you are a seasonal employee, I suppose someone could be discriminatory and not hire you back. If you are in a union, they'd not allow that.

My only only point is that it's easy to become afraid of people finding out about therapy - I know lots of people have that fear, I did myself for awhile.

But if it's not a realistic possibility that your fear will come true, then maybe it's ok to go ahead and get help now.

(I used to play music professionally, and I know exactly what you mean about going through the motions, and how sad it is, too. But like you said - it's also a kind of protective mechanism, in that the parts of your brain that have to pay attention usually are focused on it. I could never actually daydream and play. But I could play and think nothing. I think it would be hard to flashback from that headspace, but I could be wrong.)

 

[seedling]

If you already know that you have a hard time with your safe place then I would think your new therapist would want to address that before getting in to doing EMDR on memories.
I'm doing EMDR after doing CBT for 4 years and I feel ready for it. It's been good. My therapist laid groundwork first and assessed me well, ahead of time.
Even though I've felt ready to do this, I experience more symptoms, especially when starting a new memory (I'm on my third memory now and this one is the most intense so far).
I was worried about coping at work and some days it's been hard. I'm more tired than usual and the day or so after EMDR my anxiety can spike more rapidly. I think I appear pretty normal on the outside.
I'm hungrier too - I've become aware that I have to rest as well as I can and eat well, the EMDR takes it out of me physically.

Does your therapist use a range of different types of therapies? Maybe you can start with something different and build the skills you need to try EMDR again.

 

[Northgirl]

Hi Red Tree, thank you for reaching out. I did EMDR for several months and also live with constant triggers. What has worked best for me, even before getting too deep into EMDR, is to learn coping techniques for my triggers and ways to protect myself in situations that are unavoidable, much like what you experience with your band director. Even though he reminds you of an abuser, constantly remind yourself he is a different person. Also, talk to your therapist about what you are dealing with on a daily basis. EMDR can be made very difficult if, outside of therapy, life is unstable. In addition, as hard as it may seem, treat therapy as your safe place to deal with trauma. This has helped me reduce flashbacks because I know they will come in therapy but I can deal with them there, I can not deal with them around other people or in public settings.