Relationship Emotional detachment, paranoia & hypervigilance (First time posting)

[honeybeeABC]

Hi Everyone ,
Firstly yes , this is another relationship post
( I've been Lurking for almost a month )

Long story short
- Met a beautiful,kind,gentle,humble , loving and caring man a year ago
- we committed to each other , introduced each other to family , kids ect
- I was his first relationship after his Narcissistic ex who is still and always will be around due to kids.
- our relationship was absolutely perfect we had fun , spoke about a future together ect
- he was working alot throughout a period and dealing with alot of harassment and abuse about our relationship and me from his ex.

- I had noticed the stress , the hypervigilance behaviour, however he assured me he loved me and it all had nothing to do with me or our relationship.

- our relationship continued like normal however little things seemed different i truthfully just put it down to stress.

the last time I saw him he kissed me goodbye Like normal

- then he started withdrawing
- he has become completely emotionally detached .
- his communication Is little however very much all over the place , accusations of me sleeping with someone he knows , saying I take things from him his only example my feet ( I hate my feet ) , telling me he doesn't trust me but can't figure our why ? Or what is causing him to feel this way , Asking why I care for him ? Saying ill leave him
( everyone does ) I have continually reassured him , explaining I understand this all feels real to him , however this is indeed all un true and I care very much for him.

He wanted me to give his neighbour some knifes , forks , plates ect he had so many and his neighbour had one fork. When i did this he become very protective over them like i was leaving him with nothing. When it was idea only a month prior.

He has not officially been Diagnosed with Cptsd , however I did see things he owned about it so I could be wrong. When i read up aboit it so many things started making sense.

We are now at the point he has checked out of the relationship, emotionally detached 100% , his up all hours off the night online I'm really not even sure if we are together right now as he is unable to communicate yes or no and when he does give some communication his words and behaviour is erratic.

This is the first time I've come across this and I really do love this man.

He has asked for space and a break a few nights ago however unable to communicate what a break means for him. If he requires space I'm ok with that and truthfully I feel he needs it but I also worry that if I provide this he will feel like I am abandoning him & in his mind use that as confirmation that pushing me away out of fear was the right choice.

I myself suffer from mental health , from Adhd ,Anxietyy, depression , past traum and pmdd. Over many years ive worked on myself not 100% but definitely better and able to support him , Over the last month I've done well keeping my mental health in order and focusing on myself but Lord I miss my person. I'm really not sure what to do right now. I mean truthfully I don't have an option I guess. I don't want to loose this man due to past trauma that wasn't his fault.

 

[Friday]

He has asked for space and a break a few nights ago however unable to communicate what a break means for him. If he requires space I'm ok with that and truthfully I feel he needs it but I also worry that if I provide this he will feel like I am abandoning him & in his mind use that as confirmation that pushing me away out of fear was the right choice.

Is the idea of giving space = abandoning him, from
- him / you’ve watched him do this to others, or experienced it first hand
- or how you yourself would feel if the shoe was on the other foot
- or the fact that he’s been being a total asshole recently, and setting you up in a no win situation (so he can lash out at you, no matter what you do) seems to just be par for the course?

He has not officially been Diagnosed with Cptsd

Speaking as both a PTSD sufferer/supporter who has almost exclusively dated my own brand of crazy? I ALSO married a man whose actions made sense to me in my own context, but was he himself undiagnosed.

I was very, very wrong.

His violent & traumatic childhood? DID give both he & his sister disorders, but not PTSD. Instead? They both have (different) personality disorders. That, like a great many disorders, share symptoms with PTSD.

So, just a word of warning from one super observant ADHD’er to another; just because we can SEE what someone is doing? (IDFK why neurotypical people can’t, but c’est la vie). Doesn’t mean we can assign the correct causality to what we’re seeing.

It’s like reading micro expressions. Yes, we may easily see shame, disgust, hesitation, etc. But? The source of the shame, disgust, etc. is only ever inferred/deduced, unless they tell us AND are honest about it.

Like most ADHD’ers I read most people extremely easily. Have had to, since most people lie almost constantly, and having to make a conscious choice between “what” to listen to (do they want people to listen to their words, or face/body language? In this situation? That one? Most of the time? Never? Always except when?) instead of the innate understanding that neurotypical people seem to have = decades of hundreds of thousands of choices, in tens of thousands of unique situations, in dozens of general ones.

But I’ve learned that I don’t read people with certain psych/neuro disorders consistently, or even at all, in some cases.

Which is effing weird. It must be how neurotypical people feel when the person they thought was drunk turns out to have a head injury, or fever, knife wound, and really needed their help & emergency medical assistance rather than just “go sleep it off, asshole”. I have no idea HOW people mix those 4 things up, the lurching stumble lurch alone is wildly different, and that’s before skin tone, eye dilation, words, etc. all shout blood loss, or brain damage, or whatever.

Just a word to the wise. There are about 2 dozen disorders that share a LOT of symptoms with PTSD. So just because we’re seeing the symptom? Doesn’t mean we’re seeing the disorder it belongs to.

((For example, you’ll know first hand that the anxiety/depression from ADHD & hormone driven PMDD? Are extraordinarily different. Even though, from an outside perspective, they may look exactly the same. My heartfelt condolences & RESPECT, by the by. Hormone driven Antepartum Depression -like PPD, but during the pregnancy instead of after- runs in my family. Holy Mary mother of f*ck, hormones are no joke. Between ADHD & PTSD I thought I had a lock on how to handle dysreg, until I learned better, when I got pregnant. That you deal with hormones not just putting their thumb on the scale, but the sledgehammer, monthly? Good on you. Seriously.))

I'm really not sure what to do right now. I mean truthfully I don't have an option I guess.

Whether he has PTSD, or not? The best answer I can give is also the most annoying one: Boundaries.

- Be/Get really, reeeeeeally secure in your own boundaries. In your sense of self. In what you will & will not tolerate. Both soft limits, and hard limits.
- Never accept the blame for evils others do.
- Don’t co-sign bullshit.
- Arguing / Getting emotionally invested in an argument with someone half outta their mind (panic attacks, flashbacks, paranoia, dysreg, sleep dep, list goes on) is like arguing with a child, or a piece of furniture. We all do it from time to time, but it’s usually regrettable. >.< But just because I’m not arguing with someone half outta their mind? Does. Not. Mean. I. Agree. With. Them. It means I’m waiting until they’re capable of being rational. (And that has a time limit attached; both how long I’m willing to wait, and how often). It is super easy to become the frog in a boiling pot of water when not going toe to toe every time someone is wrong about me / my motivations / etc. The only way I personally know of NOT to have my boundaries moved, and moved, and moved, increment by tiny increment, and become that frog? Rock solid, real (what I actually do, not what I want to do, or think I should do, or am not really willing to do), intentional BOUNDARIES.

Yikes. Talk about 2.02!

Welcome to the community. I promise, I actually can be concise. Just, not right now, apparently.

 

[honeybeeABC]

Is the idea of giving space = abandoning him, from
- him / you’ve watched him do this to others, or experienced it first hand
- or how you yourself would feel if the shoe was on the other foot
- or the fact that he’s been being a total asshole recently, and setting you up in a no win situation (so he can lash out at you, no matter what you do) seems to just be par for the course?

I'm his first relationship since his ex , I believe the external stress has just become alot and im in the firing line emotionally from my understanding and his little communication his extremely confused about what is happening himself. It's more he is constantly saying people leave him or hurt him , when I've taken a few days not messaging or checking in he seems to be more triggered. Personally when I'm in a bad place I do like to feel supported by the person I love but I've never switched over night the way he did. Prior to this he always loved that I reached out alot he has expressed its important to him. I'm just kinda dealing with a different person right now that I'm unsure how to navigate.

So, just a word of warning from one super observant ADHD’er to another; just because we can SEE what someone is doing? (IDFK why neurotypical people can’t, but c’est la vie). Doesn’t mean we can assign the correct causality to what we’re seeing.

It’s like reading micro expressions. Yes, we may easily see shame, disgust, hesitation, etc. But? The source of the shame, disgust, etc. is only ever inferred/deduced, unless they tell us AND are honest about it.

This haha yes , it's so hard not to I think I've done the whole google and redit loop.

I reached out to him today just expressing he doesn't need to respond updating him about my week as ive put my head down and been focusing on myself. I did express that I was proud of him communicating his need for space as i cant ask him to tell me what he needs and then disrespect the very thing he asked for. I confirmed that the space he asked for is being respected. That I have faith it's a good thing and we can both use the time to grow more as individuals to better our relationship together.

 

[vowedmom]

He might not be able to handle an intimate relationship right now. He might be telling you that with the bizarre behaviors.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

Hi Everyone ,
Firstly yes , this is another relationship post
( I've been Lurking for almost a month )

Hi HoneyBee- just to say you are not alone.I must have met the twin of the beautiful man whom you describe. And yes -
" little things seemed different" . I could have written your whole letter myself. Can relate word for word , sentence for sentence , every experience of being at the receiving end! Stay strong.
My question is - if a person with PTSD likes being cared for and reached out to and enjoys the check ins, then withdraws and goes MIA - that cannot culminate in a win- win for anyone- or can it? Double edged sword. Defeats the purpose of growing and healing together.