Relationship First time post

Sweetpea76

Moderator
If you need daily communication you probably wouldn’t be happy in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer. That seems to be where things went off the rails. He communicated that he needed space. You probably didn’t understand what that entails, because you didn’t give him space. He probably felt overwhelmed and you probably felt defensive and hurt, then things escalated from there.

Here’s the way to look at “space”. Most of the time it has nothing to do with you. *He* needs space. He is overwhelmed with whatever, and he needs some time alone, without additional stress, to process. It is not personal. PTSD is a broken stress response, and isolation can be a common coping method of dealing with that stress. Each text adds to the stress he can’t handle. Each relationship talk adds to that stress. Your hurt feelings addto that stress. This isn’t typically just a day or two. That is what he didn’t communicate to you. You took things personally and didn’t give him space.

It’s a learning curve, and this is not for everybody. If you need constant communication this probably isn’t for you.

It’s possible to work through isolation issues if both parties are willing to do so. He has to communicate what he needs, and you have to realize it’s not about you, and that giving space is a loving act in itself. Also, you have to communicate how long you are willing to tolerate no contact. I personally can’t go more than a week or two, and I need to know my partner is hunkering down in advance so I know he isn’t dead in a ditch somewhere. I also know that space means leave him totally alone.

PTSD relationships don’t function like other relationships you have had before. It’s a huge learning curve.
 
PTSD Girlfriend….
Girl I’m going to give it to you straight. I can completely understand your confusion and disappointment. I think in any relationship apart from one that involves any mental health issue…. you need to slow your roll. It’s easy to get swept up in the romance of it all but it does sound like you both were in high gear. That’s a red flag on both sides and you’d be doing yourself the biggest favour on the world to find out why. Especially when children are involved we really have to be mindful of the energy and people we bring, kids are resilient but they are very impressionable.
Let a man earn that place before you give it to him so freely. Being around your family and your people is a privilege that shouldn’t be given so freely. Protect your heart and your people, until you can be sure it doesn’t need protecting.
 

Terrenc

New Here
Hoping to gain some insight and advice.

I recently meet a man who has complex ptsd and depression. We meet on a dating website and instantly hit it off. First day we exchanged numbers and he asked me out on a date. First date was canceled due to his son being ill. Second date canceled due to himself being ill. I was hesitant in believing that and it caused a minor set back.

We regrouped and continued talking. Conversations were always excellent. I always listened to him and showed him comparison. He opened up a lot to me and said he finally meet someone who understands him. He thinks I’m amazing. We both openly admit to adoring the other and being smitten as well. We joked about the future and joked about marriage.

So we finally meet had our first date last night. It was an amazing night. We in my opinion made a genuine connection. He at that time wanted to make it official. And said he was all in. We do have some distance between us living wise. We are 90 minutes away. He said it’s nothing. Ill take the hit. I didn’t think I’d feel this way about you so fast. But I’m in. Ill do whatever it takes to make this work. I said are you sure. He said yes. I know you feel it too. I did feel it as well. And said ok I’m in too. We established as a couple.

Th night was amazing. My birthday was that Saturday. The date night turned into an all night date and birthday breakfast at his favorite diner in his town. That Sunday he came down and spent all day with me and my kids. Before any of this I made sure he was ready. And he said yes absolutely. We all had a great time here. My kids liked him. He looked very happy and content. I asked him are you ok. He said yes. He said ill be back Wednesday and I’ll stay the night with you. Of course I said ok.

Monday I felt sick so we didn’t talk much. Tuesday we connected I was offered a new job. So I was super excited to tell him. He is aware my goal is too moved up the state. He a couple of months ago requested a transfer to my state. I said to him. When I move and if you get this transfer and move we will only be 45 miles away with a smile. I mentioned the company I work for has offices near the area he is looking for down the line I could possibly transfer and then ..... silence. He stopped talking. So naturally I became concerned and contacted him. Nothing the rest of the day. Tried Wednesday a few times. Saying if something is wrong you can talk to me. Called him left him a message that I was concerned.

He texted me that he was having attacks frequent since yesterday , I need space ..talking about what we talked about made me feel overwhelmed. I said Ok , do you need me to contact someone. He said ok. My cousin is on her way. He stated he stepped way out of his comfort zone with everything. He said with ptsd you need to feel save. He took awhile to feel safe in his apartment. Not that you or your kids are unsafe but I need to get acclimated like a gold fish in water. I said ok. That future talk was like 3 or 4 years from now. I said I made sure to ask if you were ready before coming over. I said you need space. He said yes. I said ok.

He never defined the space or set guidelines on time. So I checked in on him by one text and one, just said thinking of you hope you are feeling better. With silence back into return. Friday I was frustrated, it already been 3 days. I believe in communication and being able to still talk. I don’t like radio silence or the silent treatment. I feel it causes more harm then good. I said Friday we have to talk , you can’t keep me in the dark. Nothing.

So this is why I’m here today.. we got into a blow out this morning. He still has his dating profile open. I deactivated mines before meeting and definitely didn’t need it after we established as a short lived couple. I said to him nice to see your options are still open. And also sent him a photo of his social media page showing he was in a relationship dated may. I noticed it previously but kept it too myself.

Finally he responded to me and said I asked for space and you can’t give it too me. I instinct on moving at the speed Of light which makes him wildly uncomfortable. I never said I was going to delete my dating page the way you were moving gave me concerns. If you had brought up my profile you’d know at that time I got over zealous with someone and it ended poorly and I never changed my page. I asked for space. I am having nightly and daily attacks and he told me I was making them worse. I said back this is not my fault and it’s not fair to blame me. I never forced you into anything. You were all in. Then panic on me and take flight. I was like new relationships are scary. I’m scared too but here. I said do you want to end things. Delete each other and move on ... he said I asked for space this is not space. I said don’t worry you won’t hear from me it was a poor move blaming me. He slammed me and said that’s all you heard. You have a victims mentally and need to seek help. You asked what I wanted I told you space and you ignore me completely and that hurt me the most Because you don’t understand . I said you did blame me indirectly, all the things you said had me attached to it. And that doesn’t hurt me. I said I did give you space but we never defined what that space would be. I felt the check in were ok. So you’d know I was concerned for you and still here. I said he have crashed and burned and have started at one.

We are both unhappy right now and need to keep / stay away. My intentions were never too hurt you. He told me his condition the first night. I said ok that’s fine. I feel like I’ve been supportive and understanding. He even complimented and said his lucky to have me because I’m supportive.

But now I don’t understand and am making him feel worse. I don’t know a lot about his condition. When we established I started researching to get more information about complex ptsd and relationships. I joined a support group on Facebook when he shut down on me. That hurt to hear I don’t understand when I’ve been nothing but understanding. I didn’t run when he first told me. When we had a bump. I was still there. I don’t need a gold medal or a star but don’t tell me I don’t understand

I don’t know what’s going to happen here and If we will reconnect. I think and know his an amazing man and care about him greatly. I don’t want to give up on him.

How do I manage things moving forward? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Age/ detail reference I’m 42 with 2 kids. His 39 with one child. Divorced 2 years ago.
OK so first and foremost PTSD that’s a red flag having a panic attacks that’s a red flag not calling you back or texting you back that’s a red flag I mean the way you wrote it it sound like everything was falling into place not a reason to have attacks not a reason to feel safe I would definitely do a background check on the guy And re-open your dating page
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
OK so first and foremost PTSD that’s a red flag having a panic attacks that’s a red flag

I would disagree. Loads of people with PTSD have healthy relationships, and likewise with panic attacks. That’s not a red flag in and of itself.

I’d say the biggest problems were lack of communication and different expectations. That can happen under any circumstances.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you @Sweetpea76 . I know everyone has their reponsibilities for themselves and their behaviours, and their communication as well, but within that it's a nice thing to be understood, too. I know it's not all roses, but hopefully not all thorns either. Thank you for always understanding and explaining. 🤗
 
I’d google love bombing if I were you.

I can’t tell you how many times I shook my head reading that, red flag after red flag. From both of you to be fair. So you have had one date and then introduced him to your children? Then make wild plans to move closer. I’m sorry I’m really very sorry but dodged a bullet springs to mind.
Agree 💯 . Lots of red flags.
No contact. Get out. Stay out.

To the OP….I get the intensity of this. The almost instant connection that you felt. I really do. My PTSD sufferer, who also has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), told me he was ‘ALL IN’ (yup, those exact words - your post gave me chills and all I could see was a giant flashing red light) and told me he was going to marry me the first week we met. This was lovebimbing and his NPD NOT his PTSD. I approached the relationship with much more caution and more slowly than he did but the end result was the same - a disasterous relationship that I finally escaped from almost 5 years later. This may sound dramatic but it is actually an understatement. When you are in it you are not seeing things clearly and all you want is that person back that you thought you had this massive connection with. Trust me when I say that that person does not truly exist. A relationship with this person would not be a healthy relationship. Some of the advice and comments you are getting may sound harsh to you but everyone really only has your best interests in mind.

Disengage from this person. Establish no contact and take some time to heal.
 
Top