Emotional Wall and Treatment Options?

[Manic11]

Hi everyone,

I have two questions.

I have a very bad habit of pushing people away when I feel they're getting kind of close. If I feel like I just may be able to trust them I will push them away because I don't want to get hurt. I just pushed away a couple friends that I don't ever want to lose. They mean so much to me. Have you ever had a problem with pushing people away? How did you deal with it? How do you avoid pushing people away? I don't want to lose anymore friends...

My second question is...

I've been dealing with PTSD for quite some time. I don't even know exactly how many years but I was diagnosed with it several years ago. I saw therapists and was on medication. After a major OD I stopped taking medication and cancelled my therapist. I really want/need to get help as it is only getting worse. It forced me to drop out of school and I'm scared that I won't be able to work anymore but I can't talk about the things that have happened and how I feel. I just can't get it out no matter how hard I try. I can write it down to an extent but when it comes to saying it in person... it just won't happen. I don't know what to do... Any ideas?

*rock* me *hard place*

I would appreciate anything anyone has to say.

Thanks!

Manic

x

 

[Blues in NYC]

I'm in treatment without meds. Not saying it's for everyone, but if you are searching for another doctor, you might want to start by finding a local resource that lists what doctors are available to you and their specialties.

If you have anyone you can talk to who is somehow associated to the field and can trust who may be able to recommend someone to try? If because of your OD you would like to seek therapy without meds, be upfront about that in your search process. It may help lead you on a path to doctors who understand how to help mend PTSD brains via means other than meds or with nominal reliance upon them. Also be upfront about your reservations regarding meds if you have them. I'm working with a therapist who specializes in trauma recovery and EMDR work--a non pharmacutical physiological form of therapy. It is working wonders and I've not had to take any meds. Granted I'm in an intensive program, not working, getting therapy twice a week and have some tools and homework items I can use to aide in my treatments.

There are also many forms of mindful practices out there tailored to trauma recovery once you get to a more managable state that include adjustments to diet, exercise and sleep habits along with some sort of meditative practice. You have options. Hopefully your circumstances permit options more than just DIY self care if you are at a place where you need a guide or Sherpa on this leg of your journey to health.

And if you are doing this ALL alone right now without a sounding board, maybe you can try listing on one side of an index card what you think is standing between you and getting treatment. And on the flip side what you think you need treatment-wise. And then take a little break, flip it back over and try and line up what is really getting in the way of you getting the help you need. Be it money, access, time, whatever. I know my symptoms themself were my biggest obstical to getting treatment. I had a very difficult time when I was at my worst making clear judgements regarding what was and what wasn't feasable. And I'd spin absolutely retarded narratives that just prolonged my own denial.

Good luck to you.

 

[fin]

yes I push people away I dont quite know how or why or what but I do, You are not alone.and I dont kow how ot advise you because I have no idea how ot make it right or what to do.

I dont want to loose friends eithe but I am begining to wonder if I have a choice, maybe I will never be able to sustain friendships and work things through, I know i am not able to understand how I can be a friend because I have tried to communicate and ask because I am unsure and I still dont get that right either.

so I fck up more and more.

And the saying it in person thing, I am trying at the moent ...to get some sort of support from my cpn or whatever it is they are called now. The thig is I am finding the pattern of them letting me down to e more a hnderence athan a help and I am wondering if I should also stop them coming here...the pronlem is I am so thrilled and delighted ...I am like a puppy excite...wehn they do show up or decide to put something in that I forget that I have been hurt over and over and that they are the ones in actuall fact that are hurting me now...still hurting me. And again i come down to feeeling inadequeste in my responses, because I again just seem to be getting no where.

i cant do this anymore I think
but I dont know whow or what to do either so what choice is there...and then of course I go (sometimes) all or nothing...and because this has been going on for so long now... I could or just want to give up and give into it again and let it all go to shit.

Because it is getting e down big time... I understand your rock & hardplace

I am in a hardplace under a fckoff sized rock and I am caught here trapped. I need help and I know you do too manic, I hope that we both find it.

PLease know that oyu are not alone here, pleas even when it maybe feels like try to hold on to the fact that there is someone else here that can maybe understand and throw their 2 cents in also.

of course I can only hope for your sake it isnt me, because I am so off line right now, and so not helpfful and I am soo sorry for that, but if you can understand and perhaps be comforted that you are not alone in this world in how oyu are feeling then maybe it will help you to feel somehow less isolated.

and I do understand that all of this sounds bad too, and I apologize for writing this way here, I just have nothing better or more constructive to say or offer myself. Just please know that there are people here that care about you and will help and support you if they are able to ...please know that. And keep going, keep trying to work on this...it will get better I just hope, believe and know it will . it may not feel like but it keep hoping and keep trying.will

Take care
~fin

and again Im sorry some of this may not read quite right eiother because my laptop is slowing down again and I just cant face re reading this...I will delete it if I stop to re read it again so I am posting and will have to suffer the consequences if it is wrong. Again my apologies to you though id it is, it is not in any way meant to sound bad or anything detrimental to you. Please kow that anyone else reading this also. This is my trouble and issue s I am not aiming anything at anyone please ok, my laptop and my brain maybe not a good combo.

 

[CaptainR]

I have no solution for you. I just wanted to tell you how perfectly you describe something that is likely an issue for many with childhood traumas.

I've spent quite a few sessions in therapy talking about my inability to accept friendship and love, and have yet to find an answer. There seems to be something that gets wired in at that young age that says anyone who gets too close will hurt me, so the subconscious answer to that is to ward off closeness. I've begun developing many friendships, and as soon as they begin to become too real, or too close, I push away by suddenly becoming too busy for the friend, or just ignore them and make them think I don't want the friendship. Even being able to recognize the behavior hasn't helped me yet, but I'm hopeful some day to overcome this.

Like I said, I have no magic solution, just wanted to make certain you know you are not alone in this.

You mentioned you stopped therapy after your OD. Was it an intentional or accidental OD?? It seems to me that either way, that wouldn't be a good time to stop the therapy. For me, I know without any doubt seeing my therapist has saved my life, and although I hope to break free from the need to go, after a critical event like an OD doesn't sound like the right time to do it. If you are still having problems that need outside help, like it sounds like you are, I would encourage you to try again.

Best of luck to you, truly.

Cap.

 

[strugglingdad]

The only advice I could give is get help. Somehow. It saved my life or at least saved me major jail time. So far anyway...I put it off for too long till I really had no choice. I think that's the biggest first step, get help.
Take care.

 

[Manic11]

I know that I do need help with this but like I said, I just can't talk to anyone about this. I'm just not able to get it out in person... I guess my only option there is to just force myself to say it... That doesnt seem right to me though...

 

[Mina]

If you can't speak it, what about writing it down, and giving it to your therapist to read?

 

[cec]

Hi ManicII

Perhaps you're expecting too much from yourself right now, and you inner self is saying " hey, I'm not ready to face all this." This doesn't mean you can't do therapy, it just means therapy may need to go gently and slowly.

I personally don't push people away; I withdraw, or don't get to know people in the first place.

cec

 

[Manic11]

Thank you for your input everyone....

 

[cragger65]

I feel for you Manic, I really do. I think you're trying to bite off more than you can handle all at once. Someone just to talk to is the start you can handle. It takes time to trust someone enough to talk about the hard stuff, whether that person is a trained therapist or not. It's about trusting that human being. The only way to build up to that is slowly - it takes time. In the meantime, you've got someone to lean on a bit. None of us are so strong that we can do it alone, not a one.

 

[kers]

I just wanted to tell you how perfectly you describe something that is likely an issue for many with childhood traumas.

This is so true, Cap. To echo what others have said, Manic, I think serious issues with trust are quite common with PTSD, especially if it stems from early experiences, and therapy is often the way out. I have had a long-term therapy relationship and have found that I am able to tolerate caring friendships more now, thanks to the miserable work of learning to tolerate and appreciate my therapist's caring. It has been difficult work, but I'm learning to let someone care about me and be close to me, so that I can apply it in the rest of my life.

Remember that therapy should be under your control; if you're not ready to talk about certain things--even a LOT of things--that's okay, because that's where you are right now. A good therapist will respect your needs.

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

Wow - your post hit my like a ton of brinks - this is EXACTLY what I do - I do push friends away and drop out of the picture (I am the avoidance queen - trust me). It's one of the things I'll be working on (hopefully) once I'm a bit more "stable". I do think it's common (especially after reflecting on it a bit myself) - after all - the people closest to us - often were the ones to hurt us (at least in my situation) - so now I automatically MUST protect myself - my entire soul feels like it depends on it. It would help to find a T again - (in my newbie opinion) - I have one good girl friend right now that I'm trying to not repeat my patterns with - but it is a constant struggle - especially when I don't feel "well".