End of a 7 year online friendship

[Deleted member 34561]

Hi folks I just recently came out of a year long psychotic episode brought on by stress unresolved grief and withdrawals from excessive alcohol and cannabis abuse. I was so unhinged that I got cross with everyone in my life including my ex my grown kids and this friend I met online in another support group 7 years ago.

This friend of mine isn't the most stable of people herself. She also has PTSD and bipolar with borderline tendencies. She has been abusive to me many times in the past in her own right and I've always forgiven her and cut her some slack and given her chance after chance to get things right with me. So I was kinda hoping she would be able and willing to do the same for me after I lost my temper with her a month ago while up to my eyeballs in paranoid delusions and auditory and visual hallucinations after I asked her to loan me a small amount of cash to tide me over till I got paid which was only a matter of a few days and I told her I would pay her back straight away. She refused to help me when I know she has 2 houses and numerous savings accounts and cars and trucks in her driveway and goes on holiday three times a year abroad etc while I subsist on state benefits and am living on the bloody breadline right now.

In all the 7 years I thought I knew this girl I had never once asked her to help me financially before. I only asked her recently because things were bloody desperate since my ex left me 2 months ago and she knew how much I was struggling and how much it cost me in terms of pride to even ask her to help me. She just gave me some bullshit excuse about only having enough money herself for milk for smokes and I knew straight away she was lying. It hurt me so much, that dishonesty of hers, that it flipped my lid even more than it was already flipped (and that's saying something lol) and I got really mad at her. I wouldn't have minded if she'd just said she didn't want to do it and explained why. I would have accepted its and found some other way to get by but I guess on some level I wasn't that sure about her and was testing her to see if our friendship meant as much to her as it did to me.

I wanted to see if she would put her money where her mouth is because it was only a few months ago after the previous spat we had (her having a go at me not the other way round as it was this time) (and me forgiving her once again) that she told me I was the best friend she'd ever had and that she would never take me for granted ever again. So her refusal to help me when she knew I was in dire straits really upset me and disappointed me so I lashed out at her and this is probably only the 2nd time in 7 years I've done that to her because it's usually her lashing out at me instead.

Anyway we had a massive argument and she went on the support group where we met all those years ago and bad mouthed me to everyone on there even calling me out by my real name which is strictly against the rules on that group as I'm sure it is on here as well. Other people believed her version of events over mine and joined in the character assassination. I didn't react in kind (dunno how I restrained myself given how loopy I was at the the time lol) and just cancelled my membership and left without saying a word. This is the 2nd time this girl has involved other people in our arguments. The last time it happened we used to share a chat room on Chatzy with 2 other girls with PTSD and she wound them up about me with a pack of lies and used them to abuse me by proxy and also ganged up with them on me to further abuse me herself. I can't believe I even gave her another chance after that which was 5 years ago now and it took her 2 years after that to back down and apologise to me for it. Now I'm wishing I had told her to bloody well sling her hook and leave me the hell alone.

Anyway after this latest spat I left this girl alone for a month whilst I came out of my psychosis then weekend just gone I swallowed my pride and apologised to her for losing my rag with her over the money thing. She said she had forgiven me and then proceeded to get very angry with me again. She said I was making excuses for my bad behaviour towards her without her seeing that it was her dishonesty that sparked my rage at her off. According to her it's all MY fault things have gone wrong again but this time I know different. I'm trying to make allowances for her as she is just coming up to the first anniversary of her dad's death and I lost my own dad in tragic circumstances 17 years ago myself so I know first hand just how difficult that first year is and all the first anniversaries of different things are.

But seriously she's just been so bloody horrible to me and she did it again today and she seems to think it's OK to treat me like that because I'm 'just' an online friend and she doesn't know me in real life life so to her warped perspective it doesn't matter if she hurts me the way she has. Because there are no consequences in real life for her hurting me this way. Unless she threatens me and she's very careful not to do that because she's clever that way.

I don't know why this is bothering me so much. It's not like we even live in the same country because I'm in the UK and she's in Canada. We never even skyped or spoke on the phone even though I offered to do so many many times down the years. It's just really sad that it's come to this. I must add that I'm 11 years older than her I'm 48 to her 37. She's still behaving like an obstreperous unruly unhappy child. I tried to help her so much over this last year since her dad passed away not for myself but for her sake because I cared so much for her but she didn't give a crap about me when push came to shove.

Oh well I guess it's for the best. Not sure what I'm really looking for by posting all this you guys I think I just needed to get it all off my chest so I don't go mad with grief etc again. You see I don't have any close friends in real life because of my severe trust issues. Now it seems the one friend I did have even if only online has betrayed and let me down like everyone else has. I'm seriously getting to the point of thinking there is no point in trying to be a friend if it won't be reciprocated. I feel like I might as well give up. But I don't want to give in to self pity either. It's so hard trying to strike a healthy balance with all this shit. Especially when I feel so tired and fragile today.

Yesterday I had to have a ECG done at the doctors because my blood pressure is dangerously high. If it doesn't improve in the next month I will have to go on tablets for it. That's depressing in and of itself. Soon I won't even be able to enjoy a cigarette because they will have to go if I don't want to end up on oxygen for my COPD or suffer a bloody heart attack or stroke. f*cking great lol. Sorry I'm a right old moaning Minnie today peeps.

I guess the moral of the tale is you find out who your real friends are when the shit hits the fan eh. And with my old mate gone I suppose that makes room for new mates who care for me as much as I care for them to come into my life. Have to try to be positive about this really. Oh well thanks for allowing me to vent. Much appreciated as always.

Cheers

Crazydiamond47

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It sounds to me like you needed to dump her a really long time ago as she was not a true friend. Real friends do not need to destroy people. Just be glad you are over her now. It hurts but you are now better off. Now you need to heal and I hope that you will learn what you need to heal.:hug:

 

[Friday]

Whenever someone asks a question? Any question? "No." is always a correct answer.

Otherwise it's not a question. It's an order. If you don't have the right to order someone to do what you've just asked them to do? Then I would really recommend taking a step back.

 

[Deleted member 541]

If you’ve never met this person, Skyped or talked on the phone, how do you know that she has 2 houses, cars, trucks, takes vacations and has $$. People lie all the time. She could be as dirt poor as you are and getting angry was her way of stopping you in your tracks.....

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Thanks Rain you're absolutely spot on mate. I guess I'm just too tolerant and forgiving of idiots like that given the family I grew up in and how my dad taught me to turn the other cheek and love your enemies. You know Lord forgive them for they know not what they do and all that crapola lol. This girl like my mum and brothers before her knew exactly what she was doing and just plain didn't care. In fact now I'm looking at it she is just like my mum and I didn't see it till now. Holy cow. I must stop being attracted to and being abused by people in the here and now who are literally familiar. Like family. It's true what they say you internalise your birth family growing up and then take them wherever you go as an adult. But that map of reality has out worn its usefulness its old and tired like me now lol. It may have helped me cope with and survive my childhood and adolescence but it's out dated and not working now. Anyway I just noticed your Albert Camus quote as your signature. I read L'estranger by him for my A level English when I was a mere pup of 18 years old. The outsider that translates to English as but then I'm sure you know that already Rain lol :) but being an outsider is how I've felt my whole life. I wasn't even welcome in my own family growing up but thanks to kind people like yourself and the other decent folk here I finally feel like I fit in somewhere at last. Thank you I'm grateful.

Friday I wasn't ordering this girl to do anything for me. I'm sorry if you interpreted the situation I was in with her the wrong way. I just asked her to do me a massive favour because I was in big trouble financially and believed she was in a position to be able and willing to help going on the things she had told me about herself. I never asked her to help me that way once in all the years I thought I knew her till now. I was sad and disappointed that she didn't feel she could be honest with me as to why she wouldn't help me. Her dishonesty and lack of respect is her responsibility not mine. No perhaps I shouldn't have taken it so personally but I was in very bad shape mentally and emotionally myself when she knocked me back and I still don't feel I made too unreasonable a request of her given how long our friendship (or what I thought was a friendship anyway) had gone on. It wasn't like I asked her for a fortune either. Only 20 UK sterling and I really would have paid it back straight away. Why do I feel the need to justify myself to you anyway? You're just an outsider looking in on this situation you don't know me and you don't know her either. Yes I'm quite happy to take a step back after the way this girl has behaved towards me and I would respectfully ask you to do the same with me now. If you can't say anything supportive then please don't say anything at all. Cheers.

And She Cat you have a very valid point about people lying and making themselves out to be something they are not and perhaps I was too naive gullible and trusting of this girl. That's my mistake and therefore my responsibility. I accept that wholeheartedly. But why would she want to stop me in my tracks as you put it? What did I do that was so wrong towards this person? Did I have unrealistic expectations? Was I unreasonable in my request to her to help me till I got on my feet again? I don't think I did either. And trust me if the shoe had been on the other foot and she had asked me to help her and I was in a position to do it I'd have been there like a bloody shot. You're missing the point as has Friday. It wasn't really about the money. It was the principle.

I'm going to leave it there before I find myself misunderstood and negativity judged and criticised again. But I'm not going to let just two people out of thousands who use this website bring me down and make me feel bad about myself. I just had all that from this so called friend of mine and after 7 years of it I've had my bloody fill of it. No I'm not perfect and I could have conducted myself better in that relationship than I did had I not been in such a terrible psychological state. But I have learnt from it and I know that I won't make the same mistake again. I may have C-PTSD and possibly bipolar type 1 disorder but I ain't stupid. Or maybe I am according to to some people on here. All I can say is judge not lest ye be judged. Nuff said.

Cheers

Crazydiamond47

(but not THAT crazy now lol)

 

[anonymous]

A lot of people don't loan money to friends..online friends is not real friends and she probably doesn't trust that you'll give the money back. I wouldn't.

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Sorry Anonymous or whoever you really are this girl knew who I really am or at least she bloody well should have done given the information I gave her about myself over 7 years. She knew I'm no scammer grifter con artist or all round flaky person. There may be many people online who are just that but I'm not one of them. Why did you post this reply anonymously anyway? Maybe you're another person with loads to hide yourself like this girl. Perhaps you're also a coward like she is which is another reason you hide behind your anonymity. Me I'm an open book what you see is what you get for better or worse even if I haven't always been in my right mind. I believed my delusions while I was psychotic but that doesn't make ME a deliberate liar unlike what this girl turned out to be. Why do you want to defend her and not me? You're the third person on here today that has seemed to be on the side of this abusive ex friend of mine and not mine. Some support you're bloody offering. I find in real life that it's usually those who falsely accuse people of shit that are guilty of it themselves. You wouldn't trust me eh? Perhaps you're the untrustworthy one and all you're really up to is projection because of stuff you're denying in yourself. Perhaps you're just on a bloody wind up and like provoking people because you're like my ex friend and you want to make me look and feel the bad one in this equation. You've clearly got some serious problems yourself and frankly you can bloody well jog on.com. I ain't here to be baited into going mad again and getting myself chucked off because of another idiot who's got nothing better to do than take the bloody piss out of someone who's just trying to get some help from my fellow PTSD sufferers. Your problem is YOUR problem please don't try to make it MINE. Thank you.

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Oh and Anonymous? Thanks for the heads up about online friends not being real friends. In that case why does anyone even bother? It really is just like the Matrix the Internet. Cheers for the reminder. Red pill for me thanks. Don't want to get sucked back into the brainwashing. Just got free of it and nothing on this Earth would ever persuade me to go back to it. Nice try though. Try harder. That goes for anyone else stupid enough to have a go at me because you think being honest and kind is weak. Oh lastly for the person earlier who thinks I'm dirt poor. I may be poor in material terms but as far as wisdom spirituality and having a battered but good heart I'm a bloody billionaire compared to you. Cheers!!

 

[Sideways]

One of the difficulties with forgiving people for treating us like crap? Over and over? Is that it doesn’t always mean they will repay that in kind.

It sounds like this person may have been a bit of an emotional drain. 7 Year’s is a long time to be friends with a person, so losing a relationship like that is going to hurt. So, if it’s hurting? Give yourself some space to be hurt, and some self-compassion if you can.

Some people are awkward about being asked for money. Personally I wouldn’t loans a friend money. The excuses that were given? Having been friends for 7 years I can understand why you may have thought she’d give you the respect of not using lies to try and simply say “No”. We don’t need to hear lies from our friends. “No, just because.” would have been a more honest response and I’m sorry you didn’t get that.

Please try not to throw it the concept of having any friends just because this one turned out to be a dud. Not everyone is like that.

 

[The Albatross]

I expect it may have had more to do with wanting to borrow money, though clearly they mutual dynamic between you both was clearly not healthy or well. You really "took her inventory" in that opening post. Obviously there are an iceberg of feelings on both sides below the surface.

 

[EveHarrington]

If you’ve never met this person, Skyped or talked on the phone, how do you know that she has 2 houses,...

Yeah, but healthy people just say no and don't get nasty.

 

[The Albatross]

True eve, but not necessarily people with two houses who have "PTSD and bipolar with borderline tendencies" (OP's description in her opening post).

7 years is a good run for two people with mental/emotional disorder... clearly there is a good amount of history on either side but let's face it the dynamic though longer term was clearly unhealthy from the get go in all likelihood, though necessary.

Though necessary is my caveat for not the best or even sometime good stuff that happens relationally when I am really desperate and needy and someone tries to help.