D
Deleted member 1860
So just a bit of clarification.....I hate the word "relationship" as it is ambiguous. I *have* a relationship with my friends and family, but then again you can be *in* a relationship with someone which indicates a partner sort of status. The person I'm about to talk about, well, we were *in* a relationship briefly a few months ago, but what I am talking about now is severing ties so that there is no relationship between us at all, as its now on more of a friend level. I hope this makes sense!
This guy is the alcoholic I posted about awhile ago. Yes, it was bad then, but its getting even worse. Now I am ready to cut ties completely. (Please no flaming, as I struggle with relationships and find it difficult to "abandon" people.)
I am struggling with knowing the right way to sever ties, as I know that no matter what I do, I will feel an extreme amount of guilt and think I did things the wrong way.
Brief background.....Alcohol issues but in denial; lied to me about something from day one that I had told him was a deal breaker for me (I don't tolerate lying); much too much drama in his life that ends up affecting me even though I had nothing to do with it. I could go on and on....
Part of me wants to just let loose and confront him with all of these issues as to why we can't be together (or even be friends). But, I've already done the confrontational thing and it doesn't work. Of course that was only after I did the nice, supportive thing and that had failed.
I want to tell him that he has major drinking issues, but I know he won't hear it. He is the cause of my only trauma re-enactment (well, one that is pretty much a spot on recreation). It took me awhile to figure out what was going on, but once I did, I knew that we did not have a future. He won't ever understand why his actions were so traumatic for me as the denial is so pervasive.
I want to tell him that the lying was a major deal breaker. He lied to me from day one about quitting smoking even though I told him I would never date someone who smoked. He thought he could hide it (ha). Weeks later he flaunted it by throwing around his pack of cigarettes. I confronted him and he told me he smoked only one a day (another lie, as we'd be on the phone for hours at a time, and I knew he was smoking throughout the call). He told me that he lied because he didn't want things to end before they even really began. Funny, as his lying ensured that the relationship had no future. You lie to me from the beginning and there's not a damn thing I can trust about you.
Even more lying....We had a mutual toxic friend and he stirred up drama with her. I was so blindsided by it all that I didn't know who was causing the bulk of the drama or who was lying to me. Well, it turns out that they both had a pretty big part in it all. I have no more contact with the mutual former friend. After the first drama incident involving both of them, I told him that I didn't like him staying friends with her because it was disrespectful to me in that he wouldn't stand up to someone who tried to tear us apart. He told me that he ended the friendship with her. It was a lie....he "unfriended" her on Facebook but they still did all of their friend type things. Fast forward to another drama incident involving both of them, and that's when I find out he wanted to stay friends with her behind my back. She was the one who severed ties with him (ha!) but he plays it off like he ended things and since he isn't friends with her, that I should have no problems with what happened. *shakes head*
And then.....the revolver pics texted to me three nights ago. Those sent me over the edge. I knew they alluded to suicide. He didn't respond to my texts for two days. A friend told me it was emotional manipulation. He finally responded to my texts saying that he was ok. And then last night he tells me that he wants to work on things and that he wants to be with me. The nightmares. The first one I won't go into as its pretty graphic. The second one....the second one was about his best friend. Oh, I forgot to mention THAT tidbit of drama.... His best friend is in a relationship of over a year, but still hits on me on Facebook. It was pretty graphic if you catch my drift. I don't dare tell him as his life is pretty much in shambles, and even though he helped put the nail in the coffin of my relationship with my high school best friend, I will NOT do the same to him. I think that in this case, ignorance is bliss (which says a lot seeing as how I believe in being honest with people!) His best friend isn't talking, and neither am I.
I want to scream all of these things at him, but I won't. I want to tell him that I found someone else and that he needs to eff off because I am happy now, but I am not that cruel (and I know that could send him over the edge). I need to walk away in a dignified way, and I'm struggling to know how to do that. I already feel crappy enough that this is going to go down over text, but it is what it is. Ever since the trauma re-enactment issue, I haven't been able to actually talk (speak) to him, save one time. When I am triggered, I lose my ability to speak.
I am thinking of keeping it short. "I am sorry but I am unable to have any sort of relationship with you from this point forward. I wish you the best in life. Goodbye."
Thoughts? (I know I probably said a bit too much, but I needed to get that out.)
This guy is the alcoholic I posted about awhile ago. Yes, it was bad then, but its getting even worse. Now I am ready to cut ties completely. (Please no flaming, as I struggle with relationships and find it difficult to "abandon" people.)
I am struggling with knowing the right way to sever ties, as I know that no matter what I do, I will feel an extreme amount of guilt and think I did things the wrong way.
Brief background.....Alcohol issues but in denial; lied to me about something from day one that I had told him was a deal breaker for me (I don't tolerate lying); much too much drama in his life that ends up affecting me even though I had nothing to do with it. I could go on and on....
Part of me wants to just let loose and confront him with all of these issues as to why we can't be together (or even be friends). But, I've already done the confrontational thing and it doesn't work. Of course that was only after I did the nice, supportive thing and that had failed.
I want to tell him that he has major drinking issues, but I know he won't hear it. He is the cause of my only trauma re-enactment (well, one that is pretty much a spot on recreation). It took me awhile to figure out what was going on, but once I did, I knew that we did not have a future. He won't ever understand why his actions were so traumatic for me as the denial is so pervasive.
I want to tell him that the lying was a major deal breaker. He lied to me from day one about quitting smoking even though I told him I would never date someone who smoked. He thought he could hide it (ha). Weeks later he flaunted it by throwing around his pack of cigarettes. I confronted him and he told me he smoked only one a day (another lie, as we'd be on the phone for hours at a time, and I knew he was smoking throughout the call). He told me that he lied because he didn't want things to end before they even really began. Funny, as his lying ensured that the relationship had no future. You lie to me from the beginning and there's not a damn thing I can trust about you.
Even more lying....We had a mutual toxic friend and he stirred up drama with her. I was so blindsided by it all that I didn't know who was causing the bulk of the drama or who was lying to me. Well, it turns out that they both had a pretty big part in it all. I have no more contact with the mutual former friend. After the first drama incident involving both of them, I told him that I didn't like him staying friends with her because it was disrespectful to me in that he wouldn't stand up to someone who tried to tear us apart. He told me that he ended the friendship with her. It was a lie....he "unfriended" her on Facebook but they still did all of their friend type things. Fast forward to another drama incident involving both of them, and that's when I find out he wanted to stay friends with her behind my back. She was the one who severed ties with him (ha!) but he plays it off like he ended things and since he isn't friends with her, that I should have no problems with what happened. *shakes head*
And then.....the revolver pics texted to me three nights ago. Those sent me over the edge. I knew they alluded to suicide. He didn't respond to my texts for two days. A friend told me it was emotional manipulation. He finally responded to my texts saying that he was ok. And then last night he tells me that he wants to work on things and that he wants to be with me. The nightmares. The first one I won't go into as its pretty graphic. The second one....the second one was about his best friend. Oh, I forgot to mention THAT tidbit of drama.... His best friend is in a relationship of over a year, but still hits on me on Facebook. It was pretty graphic if you catch my drift. I don't dare tell him as his life is pretty much in shambles, and even though he helped put the nail in the coffin of my relationship with my high school best friend, I will NOT do the same to him. I think that in this case, ignorance is bliss (which says a lot seeing as how I believe in being honest with people!) His best friend isn't talking, and neither am I.
I want to scream all of these things at him, but I won't. I want to tell him that I found someone else and that he needs to eff off because I am happy now, but I am not that cruel (and I know that could send him over the edge). I need to walk away in a dignified way, and I'm struggling to know how to do that. I already feel crappy enough that this is going to go down over text, but it is what it is. Ever since the trauma re-enactment issue, I haven't been able to actually talk (speak) to him, save one time. When I am triggered, I lose my ability to speak.
I am thinking of keeping it short. "I am sorry but I am unable to have any sort of relationship with you from this point forward. I wish you the best in life. Goodbye."
Thoughts? (I know I probably said a bit too much, but I needed to get that out.)
