Kintsugi
Sponsor
I originally was going to post this in Anxiety & Panic Attacks, but then I decided this was more appropriate. As per usual, I apologize in advance for the length.
I've been living with my SO's family for about a month now and I'm absolutely sick with anxiety and uncomfortability.
Coming here was not really my idea at all. We fled our fairly nearby house in a neighboring state because my next-door-neighbor, who is a vet, had a break with reality after a series of bad things happened to him, and he was explicitly homicidal/suicidal and kept begging us for a gun to shoot himself, plus living in the war most of the time and generally living inside severe flashbacks.
We just moved out of our house officially, but while my SO seems to think it's a great idea to stay in his parents' town until we "get on our feet," I think it's a disaster and a terrible move.
I have a lot of really serious issues with my parents because of the abuse I endured at the hands of my brother and their general unwillingness to understand my perspective on his responsibility to, well, take meaningful responsibility and at least express real remorse and understanding for his actions.
However, I've recently made a commitment to myself, for myself, to attempt to become closer to my parents while I'm still fairly young. I think that my problems being in an economically *very* depressed area (historically, not simply contemporarily) would be helped greatly if I were to move in with my parents for a stint for several reasons, including the vastly better job market both professionally and sub-professionally as well as because I believe I will be more motivated to begin a serious application process to graduate schools, which will be aided by my mother's talent for helping to keep me on task and make sure that no part of such a paperwork-heavy process falls through the cracks.
Additionally, staying here is putting tremendous pressure on me to do what other people (my SO and his mother) think is "right," and it is disempowering to me and has been seriously eroding my sense of self-esteem and general agency over my life.
On top of this, by not aggressively seeking a low-paying job here (which I think is a bad move that will further make me feel bad as well as distract me from my ultimate and immediate goal of graduate school), I am feeling increasingly guilty, indebted, and like a burden to him and his family. I think that's fair. I don't think it's good. And the anxiety is just KILLING me.
I really need to get out of here. And I really need to say all of this to my SO. But, until the past couple of days, he has been nothing but angry and very hateful. Everything that came out of his mouth was either hate directed at something external to us or something laced in anger directed at the people in his immediate space, very much including me. For the past month especially, ever time I haven't 100% agreed with what he posits, I've been treated to a disproportionately angry rebuttal followed by the conversation being closed.
In my highly disempowered state, which does not seem to be recognized by anyone, all this anger has only served to terrify me from saying anything that might set off my SO.
This is why, although I desperately want to tell him that it is time for me to go away for awhile for my sake and the sake of my future as well as to improve my relationship with my parents, I am too scared to get the words out of my mouth. I'm absolutely terrified that this will be the end of our relationship or otherwise that he will simply be so mad he will say something that is regrettable or too harsh or final for me to gracefully withstand.
But the anxiety of *being* here is frankly worse. I feel as if in a state if hypoxia--suffocating in my own silence and lack of power. It is, at this point, making me feel sick to my stomach and very depressed.
HELP! How the hell am I going to overcome this this week? The nerves are keeping me quiet simultaneous to making me sick for being quiet!
I've been living with my SO's family for about a month now and I'm absolutely sick with anxiety and uncomfortability.
Coming here was not really my idea at all. We fled our fairly nearby house in a neighboring state because my next-door-neighbor, who is a vet, had a break with reality after a series of bad things happened to him, and he was explicitly homicidal/suicidal and kept begging us for a gun to shoot himself, plus living in the war most of the time and generally living inside severe flashbacks.
We just moved out of our house officially, but while my SO seems to think it's a great idea to stay in his parents' town until we "get on our feet," I think it's a disaster and a terrible move.
I have a lot of really serious issues with my parents because of the abuse I endured at the hands of my brother and their general unwillingness to understand my perspective on his responsibility to, well, take meaningful responsibility and at least express real remorse and understanding for his actions.
However, I've recently made a commitment to myself, for myself, to attempt to become closer to my parents while I'm still fairly young. I think that my problems being in an economically *very* depressed area (historically, not simply contemporarily) would be helped greatly if I were to move in with my parents for a stint for several reasons, including the vastly better job market both professionally and sub-professionally as well as because I believe I will be more motivated to begin a serious application process to graduate schools, which will be aided by my mother's talent for helping to keep me on task and make sure that no part of such a paperwork-heavy process falls through the cracks.
Additionally, staying here is putting tremendous pressure on me to do what other people (my SO and his mother) think is "right," and it is disempowering to me and has been seriously eroding my sense of self-esteem and general agency over my life.
On top of this, by not aggressively seeking a low-paying job here (which I think is a bad move that will further make me feel bad as well as distract me from my ultimate and immediate goal of graduate school), I am feeling increasingly guilty, indebted, and like a burden to him and his family. I think that's fair. I don't think it's good. And the anxiety is just KILLING me.
I really need to get out of here. And I really need to say all of this to my SO. But, until the past couple of days, he has been nothing but angry and very hateful. Everything that came out of his mouth was either hate directed at something external to us or something laced in anger directed at the people in his immediate space, very much including me. For the past month especially, ever time I haven't 100% agreed with what he posits, I've been treated to a disproportionately angry rebuttal followed by the conversation being closed.
In my highly disempowered state, which does not seem to be recognized by anyone, all this anger has only served to terrify me from saying anything that might set off my SO.
This is why, although I desperately want to tell him that it is time for me to go away for awhile for my sake and the sake of my future as well as to improve my relationship with my parents, I am too scared to get the words out of my mouth. I'm absolutely terrified that this will be the end of our relationship or otherwise that he will simply be so mad he will say something that is regrettable or too harsh or final for me to gracefully withstand.
But the anxiety of *being* here is frankly worse. I feel as if in a state if hypoxia--suffocating in my own silence and lack of power. It is, at this point, making me feel sick to my stomach and very depressed.
HELP! How the hell am I going to overcome this this week? The nerves are keeping me quiet simultaneous to making me sick for being quiet!
