I’m in an online community for chronic illness and I met this person online about 6 years ago. We weren’t close to begin with then a couple of years ago we started chatting on what’s app. We grew pretty close and would messsge daily. Then things started to happen a couple of years ago when my dog became unwell suddenly. She was diagnosed with cancer. She was very ill for 7 weeks and during that time she was having seizures every day, myself and my family were really struggling seeing her deteriorate. During this time, I still replied to my friend every evening but couldn’t chat as usual during the day because my hands were full taking care of my poorly dog.
My dog sadly passed away on Christmas Day and within a week my friend messaged me and she confronted me about how quiet I had been over the 7 weeks. She told me it had deeply affected her, she told me that she thought I’d been lying to her that I wasn’t really on my phone much because she started watching my best friends social media (they don’t follow each other) but it was public. She said she saw that I’d like a couple of pictures during that month so she accused me of lying that I wasn’t really online. I explained that I wasn’t really online and had just liked a couple of pictures if I did go online but she said I hadn’t liked any of hers and she felt like I used my dogs illness as an excuse to avoid chatting to her during the day. She then told me that she had been talking to another friend about me who said that I was milking my dog being ill and that I should be over it by now. She said ‘all I’m hearing is me, me, me, how the last 2 months have affected you and it doesn’t matter how much it’s affected me with you being quieter’. I was stunned. It really hurt me and I took space from her. Within a few days she messages me and apologised for her behaviour and said she was out of order. I forgave her, never forgot it but I agreed to stay within the friendship.
Then cracks started to happen again about 9 months later when I started going through some anxiety and having a really bad time with my PTSD. If I was quieter for a couple of days and couldn’t chat much, she would say that she needed a friend who could be consistent and it was affecting her when I went through a quieter few days. I explained that I do have a chronic illness and she has the same one as me, which is chronic fatigue syndrome. I said there will be times where I need to rest and I can’t always be messaging.
Last year was a really difficult year I lost a friend suddenly, she passed away last April and this led to me developing really bad anxiety. I also had some difficulties with my child who was unwell and I had to support him for quite some time. My husband changed job and a lot of other stresses cropped up. It was a very difficult year for me and my family. I had to put a boundary in place where during the day I didn’t chat to anybody because I was so unwell with the CFS due to all the stress I was under. By June she became angry again, my friend messaged me saying that I wasn’t supportive to her and she needed a friend who was consistent. I said look if I I’m not giving you what you need then I’m sorry but I can’t carry on being made it fremnguikrh for if. If you need someone with less responsibilities and more timethat’s fine, I will leave the friendship. She called me manipulative and said I was threatening her by saying that, and that I knew she had trauma with friendships so I was being very manipulative. I said to her that I hadn’t been manipulative I just didn’t like being compared to other friends that she has online, because she told me that she made a new friend online and it made her realise what I don’t give her which is time during the day chatting like I used to. I explained that my life was really busy and I was having struggles with my chronic illness and I was very unwell.
I had a big crash with my chronic fatigue syndrome last year and was quiet for a couple of weeks and one day I put a story up on my Instagram of me with my son on his birthday just videoing him opening his presents and she immediately inboxes me saying ‘glad you’re better’. I said I wasn’t but it was my son‘s birthday and I had to force myself downstairs to be there to make his day as normal as possible and she then accused me of lying that I was not in a CFS crash and I was fine if I was posting online. I did 1 story! So I immediately deleted all my social media, she approached me and asked if it was because of what she said and I said yes I don’t want to feel the way she made me feel.i also feel I’m being watched and assumed I’m fine if I put up the odd story. Even to this day I’m too scared to post online as she will assume if I can do a story on instagram of my dog for example then I am fine to chat to her all day. I feel I have to hide away.
This kind of behaviour is still ongoing. I am in a very difficult time at the moment with my chronic fatigue syndrome and I message her when I can. I messaged her back on Saturday and she opened it and hasn’t responded which means a big blowup is about to happen. This is what happens when I have times where I need rest or times where I am caring for my family or going through something in my personal life. If I am less available to chat, she gets very angry and within a few days she will approach me over it and it causes me very bad anxiety. The fact that she’s not responded to my message that I sent on Saturday, but she’s opened it and read it, I know there’s an explosion coming so I have already decided how I’m going to handle that. I have spoken to my husband and he says I’m in a very abusive friendship and I need to get out of it because it’s not friendship and it’s making me unwell. He said this person needs constant contact, she hates being alone while her partners in work and she’s angry you won’t be there all day to message. She doesn’t have children or any of the same responsibilities I have. She has her partner and her mum that take care of her home and she doesn’t appreciate that I don’t have any of that support. My husband works full-time and I don’t have a parent that helps me. I have children, pets, a home to run and I am trying to navigate chronic illness and caring for my family. Right now I’m struggling with my physical health but having to still push through it every day . I do also have PTSD and chronic anxiety, so this relationship causes me a great deal of anxiety.
She has lost many friendships due to this kind of behaviour so I know I’m not the only person that’s experienced this. I just don’t know how to navigate it anymore. Another friend of mine has told me I need to just block her and not give any kind of explanation as to why I’m ending the friendship but I feel like I can’t do that so I’m just waiting for the next explosion then I am going to say I can’t do this anymore. I’m not well and if you’re not going to be understanding when I’m unwell I go quieter for a few days to recover then I cannot be in this kind of friendship. It’s causing me too much anxiety. I’m a good friend, I’ve 2 best friends if 20 years, never any fall outs, we’re all very close and understanding.
I’m just wondering, does this sound like the right way to deal with it? I know I should’ve ended this a long time ago because it definitely makes me unwell.
My dog sadly passed away on Christmas Day and within a week my friend messaged me and she confronted me about how quiet I had been over the 7 weeks. She told me it had deeply affected her, she told me that she thought I’d been lying to her that I wasn’t really on my phone much because she started watching my best friends social media (they don’t follow each other) but it was public. She said she saw that I’d like a couple of pictures during that month so she accused me of lying that I wasn’t really online. I explained that I wasn’t really online and had just liked a couple of pictures if I did go online but she said I hadn’t liked any of hers and she felt like I used my dogs illness as an excuse to avoid chatting to her during the day. She then told me that she had been talking to another friend about me who said that I was milking my dog being ill and that I should be over it by now. She said ‘all I’m hearing is me, me, me, how the last 2 months have affected you and it doesn’t matter how much it’s affected me with you being quieter’. I was stunned. It really hurt me and I took space from her. Within a few days she messages me and apologised for her behaviour and said she was out of order. I forgave her, never forgot it but I agreed to stay within the friendship.
Then cracks started to happen again about 9 months later when I started going through some anxiety and having a really bad time with my PTSD. If I was quieter for a couple of days and couldn’t chat much, she would say that she needed a friend who could be consistent and it was affecting her when I went through a quieter few days. I explained that I do have a chronic illness and she has the same one as me, which is chronic fatigue syndrome. I said there will be times where I need to rest and I can’t always be messaging.
Last year was a really difficult year I lost a friend suddenly, she passed away last April and this led to me developing really bad anxiety. I also had some difficulties with my child who was unwell and I had to support him for quite some time. My husband changed job and a lot of other stresses cropped up. It was a very difficult year for me and my family. I had to put a boundary in place where during the day I didn’t chat to anybody because I was so unwell with the CFS due to all the stress I was under. By June she became angry again, my friend messaged me saying that I wasn’t supportive to her and she needed a friend who was consistent. I said look if I I’m not giving you what you need then I’m sorry but I can’t carry on being made it fremnguikrh for if. If you need someone with less responsibilities and more timethat’s fine, I will leave the friendship. She called me manipulative and said I was threatening her by saying that, and that I knew she had trauma with friendships so I was being very manipulative. I said to her that I hadn’t been manipulative I just didn’t like being compared to other friends that she has online, because she told me that she made a new friend online and it made her realise what I don’t give her which is time during the day chatting like I used to. I explained that my life was really busy and I was having struggles with my chronic illness and I was very unwell.
I had a big crash with my chronic fatigue syndrome last year and was quiet for a couple of weeks and one day I put a story up on my Instagram of me with my son on his birthday just videoing him opening his presents and she immediately inboxes me saying ‘glad you’re better’. I said I wasn’t but it was my son‘s birthday and I had to force myself downstairs to be there to make his day as normal as possible and she then accused me of lying that I was not in a CFS crash and I was fine if I was posting online. I did 1 story! So I immediately deleted all my social media, she approached me and asked if it was because of what she said and I said yes I don’t want to feel the way she made me feel.i also feel I’m being watched and assumed I’m fine if I put up the odd story. Even to this day I’m too scared to post online as she will assume if I can do a story on instagram of my dog for example then I am fine to chat to her all day. I feel I have to hide away.
This kind of behaviour is still ongoing. I am in a very difficult time at the moment with my chronic fatigue syndrome and I message her when I can. I messaged her back on Saturday and she opened it and hasn’t responded which means a big blowup is about to happen. This is what happens when I have times where I need rest or times where I am caring for my family or going through something in my personal life. If I am less available to chat, she gets very angry and within a few days she will approach me over it and it causes me very bad anxiety. The fact that she’s not responded to my message that I sent on Saturday, but she’s opened it and read it, I know there’s an explosion coming so I have already decided how I’m going to handle that. I have spoken to my husband and he says I’m in a very abusive friendship and I need to get out of it because it’s not friendship and it’s making me unwell. He said this person needs constant contact, she hates being alone while her partners in work and she’s angry you won’t be there all day to message. She doesn’t have children or any of the same responsibilities I have. She has her partner and her mum that take care of her home and she doesn’t appreciate that I don’t have any of that support. My husband works full-time and I don’t have a parent that helps me. I have children, pets, a home to run and I am trying to navigate chronic illness and caring for my family. Right now I’m struggling with my physical health but having to still push through it every day . I do also have PTSD and chronic anxiety, so this relationship causes me a great deal of anxiety.
She has lost many friendships due to this kind of behaviour so I know I’m not the only person that’s experienced this. I just don’t know how to navigate it anymore. Another friend of mine has told me I need to just block her and not give any kind of explanation as to why I’m ending the friendship but I feel like I can’t do that so I’m just waiting for the next explosion then I am going to say I can’t do this anymore. I’m not well and if you’re not going to be understanding when I’m unwell I go quieter for a few days to recover then I cannot be in this kind of friendship. It’s causing me too much anxiety. I’m a good friend, I’ve 2 best friends if 20 years, never any fall outs, we’re all very close and understanding.
I’m just wondering, does this sound like the right way to deal with it? I know I should’ve ended this a long time ago because it definitely makes me unwell.
