Evaluation Advice

[Hmedi1993]

Hello,

I served in Afghanistan about two years ago from 2014-2015. Came home and thought I was fine. My husband, who I have been with since high school, noticed that I have been off since I have gotten home. Recently, I seem to have gotten worse. We have a new baby which probably doesn't help. I snap at him a lot. I never sleep. When I do sleep I constantly wake up to the slightest sounds, movement anything. Even when I do sleep, it doesn't feel good. It's as if I just shut my eyes and wait for my alarm to go off. I feel paranoid when I am at home and I hate being snuck up on. On several occasions, at work, coworkers come up behind and my heart starts going and I get chills up my spine. One man came up behind me and I didn't mean to but I turned around and pushed him in the chest to try and get away. I would rather be alone and sit in the dark. It is so hard to go to work in the morning.

I was a driver on almost all of my missions. Now that I am home, when I travel, I find it difficult to drive most days. Especially in heavy traffic. When I drive, I clench my teeth to the point where I have headaches. If traffic is really bad my heart starts pounding really hard and I start sweating profusely. It seems like it takes me forever to calm down even when I am no longer driving. It feels like hours and it just puts me in a shitty mood.

I know I am forgetting more but I can't think right now. Anyhow, getting to the point. I haven't been evaluated. I am still serving. When I was deployed, I would go on missions outside the wire several times a week. I was in a combat zone but I was fortunate enough that nothing directly ever happened to me. There was an explosion on base that I heard and felt and then a couple close calls with celebratory gunfire that ricocheted right next to me. Other than that I was never blown up or shot at. I guess I just feel like I don't deserve to even be evaluated. I know a lot of people have been through far worse than I have so I feel guilty thinking that there may be something wrong because I didn't experience that. I don't know if I am just being a big bitch about it. I would kind of like to hear what folks think because I am clearly not the same and it's taking over my life.

Please be candid. I don't know how to feel. I just have so many questions and I tired of feeling like I have no control over my life. Thank you.

 

[Hmedi1993]

Also, about the sleep. My husband will wake me up sometimes after a deep sleep and it's absolute insanity. I will wake up in a panic again, same as my driving panic. I will forget where I am. There are even times when I will either try to hit my husband or simply just try to escape from him until I realize it's just my husband. Again. Looking for any advice. I.E. suck it up, get looked at, or in my experience. I have no idea what I am doing.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

That sounds like a lot of the stuff I have been struggling with for the past few years.
They've only gradually let up as of lately through basically exposing myself to those situations and focusing on my breathing.
An it's strange cus I was involved directly in blasts an firefights.
I don't hold anything against you at all for not being exposed to that, it does make me wonder just what exactly causes this shit?
If you could have the exact symptoms of someone who rolled over bombs for a living.

You do deserve to be evaluated because as I said I have been through that and the good news is, with the right tools it will let up a bit eventually.
But it ain't easy by any means. Such as regulating your breathing, redirecting focus to the present moment. An for me trusting in God.
However, from my own experience you sound like you're in the beginning or acknowledging somethings up. When I first got back I'd wake my girlfriend at the time up from a nightmare grabbing her thigh yelling, "Wheres the medic!?" She said, "What?!?" Then I had a confused look on my face said, "Nothing... never mind." And went back to sleep realizing it was just a nightmare.

Things like that don't happen anymore 7 years down the road. But anyhow yes, get looked at and documented.

 

[CyclePath]

Sounds like the things that most of us here deal with. Look, I'm no therapist, but exposure to war and facing the very real threat of death repeatedly are plenty enough to cause stress reaction and adjustment issues. I dont think you need to have been hit yourself. Like @Manonfire said, your symptoms sound exactly like mine too when I started thinking that I had issues.

I totally ignored the signs/symptoms for three years and ultimately found myself suicidal. Never have admitted that to anyone either; not even my therapists. Anyway, at the three mark I did seek help, but quickly got cold feet after filling out an anonymous form and dropping it off at mental health. They called me back in 25 minutes and wanted me to come in like right now. I pulled myself out of that phase a few days later when one of my guys did kill himself and I was assigned as the family advocate to the CACO. Two more of my guys did it within two years of that point. We had all been together on three previous deployments to Iraq.

Buried myself in work after that and a few years later started having panic/anxiety attacks. My fix for that was lies at medical (denied my real issues), a scrip for xanax, and more overworking. Three or so more years later I crashed hard. Not only had I hit rock bottom, I had started digging deeper. I was a wreck and suicidal again. I broke and went in to Mental Health. Again, I still havent told my therapists that I have ever been suicidal, but thats what drove me to seek help last year. Since then I have learned a lot. Most importantly, that early intervention is good. If I had gone in sooner I could have of avoided years of overworking and self medication and mental torment. Since I didnt get help sooner things are a little, alright a lot, more deep-seated and will take longer to content with.

Don't fall into my timeline and experiences above. Get yourself evaluated! You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by doing that. Furthermore, it doesnt matter what you, we, they call it - you are having some kind of stress reaction to the exposure to war. Might not be full-up-round PTSD, that would be a good thing, but it sure as hell is something tangible. We all have our own catalysts and what bothers me might not bother anybody else. Whatever those catalysts are doesnt matter - it's the resulting impact to each individual.

Good luck!

 

[Hmedi1993]

Thanks guys. It does feel good knowing someone can relate. So now my next question is where to go now? Do I go to my civilian doctor or do I go to a VA clinic to get evaluated?

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Idk, in 2010 I went for help and was flagged non-deployable then a spot light was put on me and the downward spiral began.
It's up to you but you need to get it documented in my opinion. You said you're still serving right? If you can get it documented and keep it private then that'd be ideal.

 

[CyclePath]

I went in while still active with no issues.

 

[Grizzly]

Welcome to the site. These are normal fear responses. And by all good reason, you should have these. Another thing that sparked my attention is that you are a new parent. This in of itself causes a lot of extra stress, lack of sleep etc.. I'm not a health care professional, but this the symptom could be anything. The fact that you state you were in a deep sleep grants some relief that you are getting good deep sleep.

On top of being a new mother, your hormones are likely a little jacked up! This isn't helping your body cope with the other stresses. Before you jump to conclusions on PTSD or anything else, I would seriously just consider talking to your primary care doctor and explain this to them. You could have some post-partum depression happening. They could refer you to someone to talk to or maybe some medication.

For your sake, we hope it isn't PTSD. But if it is then you are in good luck and can get it treated early. Just because you were never exposed to direct combat doesn't mean you cannot have fear related trauma. Everybody's perception of fear is different. But you certainly need to get treatment for whatever is bothering you.

 

[abnvet]

Yes welcome to the site. Good information from people here. I at times myself forget to check in here for periods when I'm down or hide away at work. Do get evaluated and take it one step at a time. Best wishes!

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Welcome Hmedi93.

Your in the right place, take a knee and a deep breath - your among friendlies.

Your not the first and won't be the last to recognize that your not the same person you were when you left. The good news is that you recognize the issue. There is a ton of stuff to read here and that's a good place to start. As far as the evaluation goes it is a good suggestion. If your having doubts I'd suggest you get to a local Vet Center and speak with an re-adjustment councilor. A good many of these folks are combat vets and can steer you in the right direction - that is what they are there for to help the veteran adjust when he/she returns. Also, it can take years for the symptoms rear their ugly head so don't be a afraid to be honest with them. You have your whole life ahead of you don't try and out smart the Beast - he wins every time.

Ba

 

[vikingr24]

Yes, the symptoms are there. Do go the VA and get it checked. The VA is getting better at this. Monitor the meds they give you. We can help there but only from our own experience. We are not doctors. But some of us, ahem, pride themselves in being good techs. Don't be afraid of meds but do be mindful of changes and side effects. And learn to let go of things that do not matter. And they really don't.

Charlie Mike, sister. We'll take care of you.