General Everybody so strict about table manners, unable to eat?

[Never_falter2]

Like being a combat vet who takes great relief in decision making about basic things like food & clothes being taken care of by someone else... as opposed to someone coming from Childhood Abuse/neglect or Domestic Violence who finds someone else controlling their food and clothes absolutely intolerable?

Relaxing & Relieving
Intolerable & Stressful

Yeah, I think he likes it. I think he believes in division of labour. He doesn’t expect me to work. I do not have to work outside the home if I do not want to and he doesn’t have to think about meal planning if he does not want to. I also think he feels loved if you do things for him... and unloved if you don’t.

Then he goes “Hey, why hasn’t X not been done yet?“ and he means “Why haven’t you done it?“ not “Why haven’t I done it?“. I love to tell him “X has not been do e yet, because you haven’t done it. Feel free to do it“.

 

[Never_falter2]

I do see what @Never_falter2 said about his childhood as being more than just strict and having the potential to cause issues with food on top of his health problems.

I think they were very strict... to say the least... well what I described above. He was made stand attention and instead of eating with the family because of bad table manners and that happened a lot of time. He was also beaten on the hands for having poor manners and he was made memorize things. He had to go to his room and learn to memorize boring things (like grammar of foreign languages or historical dates) for having poor manners. He was beaten in the back for not sitting upright at the dinner table.

BUT he loves his family a lot and they have helped him when his ptsd was bad and of course he is a grownup now and they do not beat him anymore... and physical punishment had not been outlawed in my country when we were kids. That got only outlawed in the year 2000. A lot of people used to beat their kids and a lot of people still do.

 

[Never_falter2]

And then I nicely try to encourage him to get something down. And like you, he knows none of this. Just knows that I'm always offering him food and complimenting him. Can you imagine how guilty they would feel if they knew how much we worried about them with things like this?

My vet feels bad about himself when he has got sleep problems and when he cannot eat. He feels like he is crippled and that makes him feel like he is an undesirable spouse. He is also short of hearing... and all of that makes him feel like he is a cripple who just makes everybody worry for him and that makes him feel bad about him.
So when I am very worried for him I try not to show him.
I try to care for him. I think he needs it. I think he doesn’t need to be left alone... but I do not show him that I worry... cause a man like vet wants to protect people from worrying and he doesn’t want him to worry for him because that breaks his heart.

 

[bellbird]

Vet got much much better ? and he also ate a lot this evening.

So glad to hear this!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Hey... just a quick question. Probiotics have been mentioned on this thread. I used to think probiotics were supposed to help against diarrhea. Talking about the yoghurt, right?

Probiotics help all gut issues. I think I may have been the one to mention it early on because I have opioid induced horrid constipation and probiotics are the only thing that helped that.

Here in the States they come in pill form over the counter in drug stores.

 

[Freida]

He feels like he is crippled and that makes him feel like he is an undesirable spouse.

yep -- been there.

cause a man like vet wants to protect people from worrying and he doesn’t want him to worry for him because that breaks his heart.

Disclaimer --- not being judgemental - just trying to work it out from the sufferer side. :)

I KNOW when hubby is worried about me. He can't hide it and I'm doubtful that you can either. Supporters are the ones who still have emotions so it can be pretty obvious when they are worried. So I'm wondering if that might be backfiring on you.

You are worried about what he eats, so you try to help him see that what he is eating is part of why he feels like crap or suggesting better ideas or trying to get him to the doctor. Those are all things that would be expected from someone who cares about their spouse.

But in my ptsd brain someone worrying about me can get really tangled up and can lead to all sorts of stuff like......
upping the judgement I have about myself --
feeling like he is nagging me because I'm not meeting his expectations of how I should care for myself
Making me feel like a failure because I can't deal with my own problems and hubby has to step in.
Feeling resentful --- even though he is just trying to help.

So then I say screw it and behave even worse because I'm basically a temperamental two year old in a grown up's body. Which makes me feel worse physically.... aaaaannnddd the hamster wheel from hell spins again :banghead:

This may be something he just has to work thru on his own, and may mean you have to wait on the sidelines until he figures it out.

I try to care for him. I think he needs it. I think he doesn’t need to be left alone.

These are things you think and they make sense --- in a normal person. But in someone with ptsd? It may not be true at all. Like, when I need to isolate its hard for hubby to see me alone and it would make sense to assume I want him with me. Which I do -- unless I don't. No rhyme or reason to it.

Is it something you can talk to him about? Can you ask him what he wants when he's in this place? That might help both your stress levels by giving you a plan to work from

 

[blackemerald1]

Isn't always a incredibly faint line between wanting help and feeling like a f*up? :cry:

 

[Freida]

Isn't always a incredibly faint line between wanting help and feeling like a f*up? :cry:

Exactly!!!

 

[scout86]

Is it something you can talk to him about? Can you ask him what he wants when he's in this place?

This is related to the reason I asked how he explains things like standing to eat.

Sometimes we do things without thinking. We just react. It can be very helpful to stop and think about what's actually going on. if someone calmly asks a question, sometimes that gets your brain engaged in thinking again, instead of just reacting.

It can also be tempting to assume we know what someone else is thinking and, for reasons i really don't understand, we often overlook easiest way to know what someone thinking. To ask them. It seems amazingly common for well intended people, on both sides of a relationship, to try to imagine what someone else thinks or wants and have both parties get it wrong with bad results.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

This is related to the reason I asked how he explains things like standing to eat

My step mom stands at the counter and eats a lot. It drove me nuts when they lived here. She couldn't explain why but she has had and still has a lot of gut and stomach issues.

 

[Never_falter2]

@scout86 He has no idea why he is standing to eat... it is just something that happens to him so to speak.
Well it doesn’t happen to him during formal dinner... but let’s say vet comes home while I am tucking the children into bed... then I often find him standing there eating a bag of nachos... or sometimes he comes in while we are eating but doesn’t sit down but grabs some food and starts eating... and doesn’t really realize he didn’t take of his coat or sit down or whatever... until I make a funny comment about it.
(He also doesn’t realize he didn’t take of his coat).

One of his brother says it is because the parents made him stand attention so much (but then on the other hand they did not make him eat whilst standing).

@Freida My guy is eating much better now and he is still being a little sick but much better. I did talk to him and what he said was basically that he was feeling like a burden and a cripple... basically because we are never going places for one reason or the other (gut issues, insomnia, fear of crowded places)... and because he always needs special attention... and of course I do not want him to feel like this... so we went hiking then. I think I mentioned in this thread... and he feels he is not giving us the life we deserve so to speak and he made a lot of plans lately where to go... which places to take us.
That gut issues are a lot better now and he really sticks to his change of diet... but unfortunately it did not 100 percent cure his gut issues. Not yet. May be it needs some time?