Everyone Is The Enemy?

[Smile]

I woke up this morning with no will to live. I don't know if I have ptsd but this forum definitely clicks with something deep inside me and I find comfort from similarities I would never dream of vocalizing.

I'm 32 with no job or college education. I recently left my job because I had just realized, through therapy, that something traumatic happened to me as a child. I've always had anxiety but was not fully aware so just self medicated (mostly alcohol). Now that I'm more aware, it's killing me. Literally.

After I left my job I got in my car and drove to a sunny state because I love the sun. I have no job, no apartment. Just moving from cheap motel to sleeping in the car/beach to another motel. I have family here but want to live in my own. Independent. With no one in my business. I've gone on 1 or 2 part time job interviews (that's the most I think I can handle, if that) but I don't have the strength for every day. Every. Day. Is. So. Hard. I'm just living from pill to pill & pills make me feel numb, which isn't really living at all.

I have no memory of what happened to me as a child. I am the youngest of a large family and although I am close with them and love them very much, I can't help but distrust them. One of them has to know something!

Worst case scenario: I will never know what happened because no one knows. Slightly less worst scenario: one of them did something to me. #2 Slightly less worst scenario: they know something but are not telling me. And because of my love for them, I can ever kill myself... It would hurt them too much :(

I just don't understand how I can fix myself without knowing what triggers me?!?!?!?! Aside from EVERYTHING of course :banghead:

Well thanks for listening, your a great bunch :)

 

[StrongHeart]

You just took the first step, which is to post here. Welcome!

My advice to you is to think of survival right now. You cannot try to work on your inner demons without having a safe place for your outer self. Work on finding a job and a safe place to live. Then, keep posting and look into some therapy. You can do this. You just took the first step on a path that can lead to a much better life.

 

[Lionheart]

Hi Smile,

When I was in my late 30's, I lost my job, my fiance', my home, my health, my dog, my cat etc., etc., and I lost hope and wanted to die...or at least I thought that I wanted to die....*(in looking back I only wanted the pain to stop and did not really want to die).

Anyway, I had one memory of child abuse and the rest of my childhood was a blank. I was a problem drinker, cut on myself with razor blades, took handfuls of sleeping pills and prayed to die because I was so miserable.

I contracted Mono and never fully recovered and was later diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome. I was unable to work. I used to wake up without the will to live and it was a rough struggle....for awhile.

I ended up going to therapy where I was tested and scored off the charts for major depressive disorder and PTSD. I was encouraged to apply for disability benefits and in 2000 I was awarded benefits.

I have been disabled with PTSD ever since, but I've stuck with therapy and received professional help. I discovered years of abuse that I have since healed from and I have a much better quality of life now. Life is now priceless to me. I don't have everything I want, but I am basically a happy camper now.

I don't know if any of this strikes a chord with you, but I thought that maybe if you knew a bit of my story you would not feel so hopeless and alone. I sincerely hope that you will find the strength and courage to continue on a healing path and keep reaching out for support.

 

[arfie]

Tough spot to be in, Smile. It took three years of street life (and surviving allot of suicidal urgess) to get my first honest breaks toward self-sufficiency. It was totally worth it, though. Life is still far from perfect, but it is ALLOT better. Progress over perfection.

Have you found any support groups in your new stomping ground? They can be a great source of companionship in times like this. However or wherever, please keep reaching out. We are NOT the enemy.

Gentle hugs and hopes for healing.

 

[Angelwings]

If there is someone you trust most in your family, you may want to ask them if they know about anything happening to you. Chances are, that if an adult in your family abused you when you were younger, there may be others in your family that are victim to the same abuser. That happened to my friend. Her sister had no memory of being abused, but her memories started coming back when my friend told her what she went through....just a thought.

 

[Smile]

Thank you for the hope. I am 100% sure that each and every one of u have far worse pasts than me. My worst fear is that I'm just a hypochondriac.

The problem is, that doesn't help me when anxiety strikes. Logic never enters the equation.

And bc everything/anything can trigger it, there's no way of stopping it :(

 

[arfie]

Don't compare pain, Smile. Pain is pain and it exists to let us know something is wrong. Pay attention!

When I am experiencing anxiety attacks, I believe it is illogical to expect logic out of myself. Anxiety seems to disable, or at least hamper my logical functions. Like expecting NASCAR performance from a machine with sugar in its tank. I flush the tank before I try to restart my logical functions.

Small steps, Smile. Hope springs eternal.