Long story short. 20 moves with CAS between birth parents and fosters. Terrorized out of a house seven years ago and haven't been the same since. I have slept in my car in 5 degree (Fahrenheit) weather for extended periods of time until my SO walking into my life and was consistently persistent that every night I come to his place (at that time he was not my SO). It took almost 5 months for him to convince me that I was wanted.
I had a huge amount of furniture and belongings that I had 'rescued' from the house of terror. These belongings took on a sick sort of meaning for me. Although these possessions were a pain to tote around I feel like they signified my victory in all of the hard work I had put in not to have my ex steal everything I had. It was a huge conflict in my brain. These things reminded me of the horror of those times and at the same time reminded me that I was not 'had'.
Being a minimalist all of my life this was an odd feeling for me. Certain things had meant something to me in the past but I had never before carried around massive amounts of things that had such an emotional attachment.
Now they are all gone. Everything but the couch (which I sleep on instead of the bed). They all left yesterday. Given away. Little things, big things, all gone. We are moving far away and there is no use taking them. My SO is thrilled (he is leaving his stuff too), and keeps encouraging me that we are starting a new life. That this is a good thing for me. My other friends are 'taking' my stuff, although each has said that if I ever need them back again I can have them. I don't know if that is a good thing or not.
So here I sit. There is potential for all of this to be left behind me if I allow it to. I no longer have to walk into a house and have my brain remember 'I got that out of there'. Or I replaced that because. Or I had that repainted because he destroyed it but i got it back anyways. The whole thing was sick. And I am finally letting that sickness go.
But I am second guessing myself somehow. Or feeling like by letting it all go I am letting go of the victory. Or is the victory not in the stuff but instead in walking away from the stuff in this moment? Is it good to have nothing? Is it good to let it all go? I just don't know what I am asking here and maybe nobody can understand, I don't know. All I know is that I feel alone and naked and vulnerable and like everyone else has won.
Did I fight like a rabid animal for all of this just to give it all away? What was the point?
I had a huge amount of furniture and belongings that I had 'rescued' from the house of terror. These belongings took on a sick sort of meaning for me. Although these possessions were a pain to tote around I feel like they signified my victory in all of the hard work I had put in not to have my ex steal everything I had. It was a huge conflict in my brain. These things reminded me of the horror of those times and at the same time reminded me that I was not 'had'.
Being a minimalist all of my life this was an odd feeling for me. Certain things had meant something to me in the past but I had never before carried around massive amounts of things that had such an emotional attachment.
Now they are all gone. Everything but the couch (which I sleep on instead of the bed). They all left yesterday. Given away. Little things, big things, all gone. We are moving far away and there is no use taking them. My SO is thrilled (he is leaving his stuff too), and keeps encouraging me that we are starting a new life. That this is a good thing for me. My other friends are 'taking' my stuff, although each has said that if I ever need them back again I can have them. I don't know if that is a good thing or not.
So here I sit. There is potential for all of this to be left behind me if I allow it to. I no longer have to walk into a house and have my brain remember 'I got that out of there'. Or I replaced that because. Or I had that repainted because he destroyed it but i got it back anyways. The whole thing was sick. And I am finally letting that sickness go.
But I am second guessing myself somehow. Or feeling like by letting it all go I am letting go of the victory. Or is the victory not in the stuff but instead in walking away from the stuff in this moment? Is it good to have nothing? Is it good to let it all go? I just don't know what I am asking here and maybe nobody can understand, I don't know. All I know is that I feel alone and naked and vulnerable and like everyone else has won.
Did I fight like a rabid animal for all of this just to give it all away? What was the point?
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