Everything is a trigger

[IdentityUnknown]

I’m not sure how to explain this, as I’m very new to this whole process..

I’m experiencing life for the first time, as an individual. I’m coming from an extremely abusive marriage, straight from a neglectful childhood. I don’t think I’ve ever had the opportunity to live life myself, or develop social skills alone. My symptoms presented as very severe while I was in the domestic violence shelter this March, and I had no idea what was happening to me. I thought I’d finally just lost it and gone completely insane. I know now that it was really heavy dissociation.

This is a lot to try and explain and I apologize if it’s hard to follow.

Everything is a trigger. Sights, sounds, smells.. I could see a tree and give you 20 memories associated with the tree that are painful. I could hear the leaves rustling in the wind and have intrusive thoughts of situations where I’ve heard the wind before. Being alive and conscious is a trigger. Other humans absolutely terrify me. Social situations are not my friend right now, although I know I need to find and build a support network for myself. Humans need other humans.

I still don’t remember a lot of my ‘old life’, a lot has been blocked out. I sometimes forget my current age, I sometimes forget that I still have a reason that I need to move forward with the divorce process. I’ll think to myself, “but I was never married.” And then I’ll remember and become extremely overwhelmed and fearful, mostly because I don’t remember why I went to the extremes of fleeing to a shelter.

I’m having extreme difficulty finding or affording a reputable therapist. I have one waiting in the wings that I am going to be meeting with this week. I am not hopeful that I’ll be able to stay though. It seems as they all end up disappearing for one reason or another before any real work is started. Or if it’s started, I have to end due to financial difficulties.

How does someone manage triggers, when their entire life was lived in fear and panic? I feel like I can’t even walk out of my apartment without feeling like I am going to suffer from crippling thoughts. It’s not as if I can control or identify every single trigger for myself, as my whole life was lived in that terrible fear.

 

[Sideways]

The anxiety makes everything harder. I totally get that. It’s awesome that you’re continuing to go out despite the anxiety - as uncomfortable as it is, that will help keep that anxiety from getting worse.

As for triggers, you may find this article on working with triggers helpful.

 

[arfie]

hello identity. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

Everything is a trigger. Sights, sounds, smells.

i experience a state which i call, "sensory overload." i could use these very words to describe my sensory overload. i spend allot of time in "hidey holes" to minimize sensory input while i am experiencing sensory overload. when i **must** expose myself to more sensory input, i stay mindful of my fragile condition and keep my therapy tools handy to cope with the inevitable meltdowns.

I’m having extreme difficulty finding or affording a reputable therapist.

ditto. ditto as well on the difficulty of keeping one of these mythical creatures after i find one. sigh. . . over my decades of recovery from child sex trafficking, i have come to believe in maintaining a therapy network rather than a single node. with a network, it is not quite so tragic when i lose a good therapist and/or some other SNAFU. i have other nodes, both live and virtual, which i can check in with. i also have come to it takes a village to heal.

It’s not as if I can control or identify every single trigger for myself, as my whole life was lived in that terrible fear.

amen. the radical acceptance and mindfulness i learned in an ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) workshops has proven to be my most effective therapy tool to counteract that unfortunate childhood conditioning. the problem(s) remain, but acceptance and mindfulness free up more psychic resource which i can use to manage the facts.

but that is me and every case is unique.

steadying support while you sort your own case. welcome aboard.

 

[Friday]

How does someone manage triggers, when their entire life was lived in fear and panic?

Separating out what are triggers & what are stressors, helps tremendously… as they have different means/methods/tips/tricks for managing & dealing with; many/most of which (stress & stressors) can be dealt with really effectively day 1, some of which will need weeks/months/years of focused effort. So that clears away giant swaths of relief almost immediately. >>> Stressor vs. Trigger - What Is A Trigger? & The ptsd cup explanation

Meanwhile, as one is creating real SPACE to get shit done, via stress cup stuff, by managing stress and stressors down so you’re not like a shaken up soda bottle ready to explode at the first twist of a cap? The upside to dozens/hundreds of triggers a day is the ability to learn how to be getting back in control faster & faster with less recovery time needed. When I’m being hit the hardest with triggers? We’re talking seconds of time lost, like a gasp and half-step and blink, and walk on. Totally fine. Barely impacting me, and largely unnoticeable to others. Meanwhile a single trigger can f*ck me up for days when I’m out of practice, dealing with them. Hours of panic attack, followed by days of recovery/aftershocks. So if you’re being hit left/right/center? USE that to practice, getting back in control / back to yourself, faster and faster. Hours into minutes. Minutes into seconds.

 

[IdentityUnknown]

Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate your feedback and the time you’ve taken to respond so thoughtfully.

 

[RainbowSearchParty]

@IdentityUnknown I totally understand. I also experience a lot of dissociation (I have DID) and a lot of sensory overload where everything feels like a trigger. My best tools for those moments is mindfulness — being aware of the present moment, tuning into the sensation of the sun on my skin, for example, rather than thinking about how the sun relates to all the part trauma. I can come up with a million traumatic moments that involved sunshine, but also in the present moment the sunshine isn’t hurting me. I also try to take breaks to reset. Hiding under blankets. Naps. The sort of thing that will help my brain calm down a little, so that I can deal with trying to deal with the sensory overload of the world.

Hang in there.

 

[oh!theperspicacity]

Following on from rainbowseachparty's suggestion on mindfulness, it helps to think of a time when you were happy or something or somewhere that is calming and safe. That will be your happy place and you can go there anytime you're triggered just by closing your eyes and imagining yourself there.
After almost 10yrs in and out of therapy, I finally landed with a psychologist that I gel with who is helping a lot. When I realised my traumatic childhood had gone unprocessed all these years, I thought, god, I'm so broken, I'm going to be in therapy for the rest of my life. But the psychologist keeps reiterating that the horrific things that happened to me were not my fault, nor a reflection of who I am or what I deserve. I am not broken, I just had some horrific life experiences and my mind and body did the best it could to keep me safe with what resources it had. Those coping mechanisms don't work for me now that I'm not living with the horrific things happening to me. I'm not broken, I'm just rewiring my brain. Learning how to adjust to not having horrific things done to me. So be kind to yourself.

 

[abovedown]

I’m not sure how to explain this, as I’m very new to this whole process..

I’m experiencing life for the first time, as an individual. I’m coming from an extremely abusive marriage, straight from a neglectful childhood. I don’t think I’ve ever had the opportunity to live life myself, or develop social skills alone. My symptoms presented as very severe while I was in the domestic violence shelter this March, and I had no idea what was happening to me. I thought I’d finally just lost it and gone completely insane. I know now that it was really heavy dissociation.

This is a lot to try and explain and I apologize if it’s hard to follow.

Everything is a trigger. Sights, sounds, smells.. I could see a tree and give you 20 memories associated with the tree that are painful. I could hear the leaves rustling in the wind and have intrusive thoughts of situations where I’ve heard the wind before. Being alive and conscious is a trigger. Other humans absolutely terrify me. Social situations are not my friend right now, although I know I need to find and build a support network for myself. Humans need other humans.

I still don’t remember a lot of my ‘old life’, a lot has been blocked out. I sometimes forget my current age, I sometimes forget that I still have a reason that I need to move forward with the divorce process. I’ll think to myself, “but I was never married.” And then I’ll remember and become extremely overwhelmed and fearful, mostly because I don’t remember why I went to the extremes of fleeing to a shelter.

I’m having extreme difficulty finding or affording a reputable therapist. I have one waiting in the wings that I am going to be meeting with this week. I am not hopeful that I’ll be able to stay though. It seems as they all end up disappearing for one reason or another before any real work is started. Or if it’s started, I have to end due to financial difficulties.

How does someone manage triggers, when their entire life was lived in fear and panic? I feel like I can’t even walk out of my apartment without feeling like I am going to suffer from crippling thoughts. It’s not as if I can control or identify every single trigger for myself, as my whole life was lived in that terrible fear.

Welcome the forum. Flashbacks & triggers are a bitch to deal with