Everything is so hard...

[SeekingAfrica]

Daily tasks. Washing clothes- fine. Folding? Goes on for days. Washing my hair is hard, dishes are hard. Got a therapy scheduled and was working to finally get paid this week to feel human again (to be able to eat healthy, get regular therapy, pay my bills). To get contacts and make a safety plan again for the first time since 2018( then I was still half in denial and most of the help was onlline, now redoing with local resources)... For a second I felt hopeful and now I lost it the way we forget a dream in the morning sometimes.

And now everything is that hard again.

 

[Friday]

Hell, yes!!!

You’ve got a goooooals list, bitch. f*ck hope, f*ck feeling ‘good’ about shit that ain’t happened yet… and it’s plunge into despair and worse, when that imaginary future meets reality. When you can feel ACTUALLY good, wicked good, about what’s fawking real. The miniscule & moments, along with the transcendental & amazing.

I know. This may seem way off base.

It I’ve also been watching you, for ages, sketch in the limits of the envelopes you’re pushing.

You have a considered, as well as innate, understanding of what you can accomplish, when. As well as fury/frustration when you switch tiers.

This is sooooooo adaptive.

Because it’s honest.

You KNOW what you’re capable of when you’re rocking your A game, when you’re struggling, and when you’re drowning… and yet? Still fighting. Even when / especially when ‘still fighting’ means today is a wash. Choose crashing for a day, instead of a week, or a month, or forever. Despite the personal cost.

You’ve got predictive data, and have adapted to it.

Yep. Everything is hard, right now. You’be had worse, and have triumphed over it. You will do, again. And again. And again. Because that is who you are. No matter how bad things get, or how hard things are, or how much you want to give up? You scrape yourself up off the floor and carry on.

That’s a strength which cannot be taught.

You may deny yourself the memory of it. See the hard times as failures. Rather than, yet again, when you triumph over.

But I see it.

And I believe in you.

Tough as hell. Even when you don’t see it.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@Friday That almost made me cry. Currently I am so deep in the low, but so many people are behind me! It's amazing to me. Everyone besides my family has been so kind, the type of kind that makes me cry right now.

One day I will help others again. Hey, I can help new people in ballet with some old attire I can't use, if that's all I can do for right now.
But I finally got to a point where I got I NEED help.
I mean, when you scare all of your friends on the same day, you kind of know it's time to mean business and get help.

And you will see by my next post, but I kinda want to put it in the accomplishments post, because admitting I need this much help is sort of BIG, for me.
Especially when I keep being shoved this idea that 'I don't have time for depression or luxuries like rest'.
I think I met a person that may change my life, life a life raft right now. And I NEED one.

Thank you for all the amazing words. Means a LOT!