Relationship Ex Girlfriend Of A Combat Vet

[M.........]

I am an ex girlfriend of a Combat vet. I love him with all my heart. We were together for a couple of months and then he came home one day and decided he wasn't happy. He started seeing some other girl immediately. He was talking to her while we were together. He doesn't see it as cheating because he says they were friends. Mind you he had just met this girl. We had remained friends mainly because he has two children in which I adore.

We started seeing each other again about 6 months later and I moved in with him. Things were amazing at first he was so sweet and everything. He told me he loved me all the time. We were looking for a house to buy together. We even put an offer on one but it fell through.

We took him to get the SGB Shot which worked awesomly. It wore off I could almost tell you to the day and time when. He became worse that what he was in the first place. He really became distant and mean. He would tell other women how beautiful they were but would barely tell me. He would be sooo loving one minute and the next I was so scared he was going to yell at me or something. I was stressed in which he said it made him worse.

I am going through some testing and may have cancer. I tried keeping it from him because he said he didn't want someone that had problems. When I did finally tell him and explain that is why I was so stressed he acted like he didn't even care.

I waited on him hand and foot. He didn't have to do anything not even pick up after himself I done it all. He also didn't work, he played video games a majority of the time or was on phone. He has chosen his video games and phone even over his own children. I watched him with his kids and there were times he showed them so much love and then there were times he would just be as distant towards them. We would get into silly arguments or something but that was about it. He promised me that he would do everything to make it work with us and be a family.

He came home one day and said well I am not happy and I don't love you like that. I was devistated. I asked him if he wanted to talk about things and work them out and he said no I am done done. He moved on with someone else within two weeks. His kids and I are devistated .

He now told me he doesn't want me around his kids because I told him it isn't fair to them for him to throw women around in their faces. His kids are young and he has had countless women in and out of thier lives. His relationships only last at the longest two months with the exception of ours. It is so sad. My heart is broken. I am at a loss of what to do.

I truely believe that when he gets the second shot which will last longer he will look back and feel bad for everything he has done to me. I really don't know what to do. I love him and his children so much. I don't know I should just walk away and move on or wait. He says that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me and doesn't want me around his kids now. But he has done this in the past. I'm at a loss of what to do. I love him so much I just want to help him get better and be there for him. Please give me any advice you can.......

 

[VikVikViktorious]

Not to be crude in any way (although it is...) but my first bit of advise would be to break up your rant into paragraphs and make it a bit easier to follow along.

Not only does the avg person's attention span crave a break or two in the reading process, but people with ptsd especially would appreciate that brief moment of time between thoughts to process.

Just sayin :). K now that I'm done being overly critical I'll go back and continue on where I left off...

 

[VikVikViktorious]

Well what I can say from reading is that it is very mature of you to understand the fact that he literally is 2 different people and while he is suffering he is unable to show that love and affection to you that you crave. You are very patient and he and his kids are lucky to have (had) you.

As a man who was unhappy in his marriage, I know from experience that you just need to move on. Waiting around is exactly where he wants you. Of course he'd happily have you hanging around as plan B, C or Z....

The moment I realized I wanted my wife back was when I found out about her boy friend and that she had actually filed for divorce and moved on. While it was just "divorce talk" I didn't believe it was real- and I was perfectly content being separated from her while thinking in the back of my mind that she'll always be anxiously awaiting for me to come back to her.

You're in a tough spot- but this guy is really only going to cause you to suffer again and again and again. I guess my advice to you would be to seek counseling and get to the root of why you crave this relatively abusive relationship? Dude leaves you with the shrug of his shoulders and is with another gal within 2 weeks? Doesn't care that his kids who probably love the heck out of you don't get to see you anymore? He sounds like he is not worth trouble one bit.

Consensus: leave him and his x-box be. He'll be in and out of relationships for years to come and sadly his kids will just have to get used to it. You sound like an awesome, caring, loyal woman. He'll come crawling back. Then YOU can reassess and make the choice of getting back into that mess.

..Who knows, by then you've already found someone that actually gives a crap about you?

 

[Silver.]

PTSD is not an excuse to cheat.
Even if he isn't sleeping with people, he's telling other woman how beautiful they are, that is cheating.
You are setting a pattern of acceptance that this type of behaviour is okay. A man that makes you wait on him hand over foot and then steps out, isn't interested in a relationship, that's just downright dirty in my opinion. He knows you will be waiting when he comes back, so what is to stop him from always stepping out? No boundaries, acceptance of downright nasty behaviour.
It feels very abusive for someone to treat their partner as you have been treated and I think you deserve better. Take Care

 

[Gs172003]

What he is doing isn't right PTSD or not. If he's not getting help he won't get better and you will be treated worse IF he comes back.

 

[Deb Bergman]

I am an ex girlfriend of a [URL='https://www.myptsd.com/threads/havi...lving-the-international-veteran-crisis.87463/...

Dear M,
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I am replying because we have a common connection. Military PTSD. My boyfriend has the disorder in addition to Emotional abuse PTSD. I am currently going through some of the same things. Have you personally done any research about PTSD? I advise you to do some research if you haven't . Please don't take what he says or does personally. It is not anything you are doing wrong or anything he is doing, it is the PTSD talking. I can explain this to you and it might help. There are different areas of the human brain. In the top and sides of the brain, the individual has normal functions like reasoning, communication etc. At the lower portion or base of the brain, that is referred to as the "Primitive" portion of the brain. When your boyfriend brain is in the Primitive mode, all the blood circulates to that area. The primitive area is the Negative Storage. This is why you are experiencing this. If the SGB shot he had was working, hopefully he can get another shot. It is a treatment that has been effective but it not widely accepted. The SGB is an anesthetic that interrupts the connection that produces the fight or flight response associated with PTSD. However, there is not a whole lot you can do for him at this point. You need to take care of you. Easier said than done I know. Decide for you if you want to hang in there. Being there for someone with this disorder is extremely difficult. You can have a successful relationship but it takes a great deal of patience and you need to be armed with the correct tools and resources. Have you considered counseling for yourself? PTSD is not only hard on the survivor but it is equally as hard if not harder on the supporter.

Your boyfriend starts up relationship after relationship because he does not have normal thinking while in the Primitive mode. He has no reasoning. He cannot communicate. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain and he cannot control it. You are not to blame. If you research PTSD or seek help on your behalf, the therapist can help you identify if your boyfriend has any other triggers other than military(those can be smells, sights, sounds or feelings) that trigger his traumas. The professional can also help you learns ways to avoid these triggers. Unfortunately even though you can be armed with the knowledge to avoid, you can't be with him every minute and he could be triggered from anyone or anything. Knowledge about the disorder is key so you know what you can do for yourself while he is in the mode. Depending on his level of the disorder can determine whether or not he can be totally treatable and even then there are no guarantees that he would fully recover.

Does he see a therapist or mental health professional for his PTSD?

One thing you have on your side is that you truly love him and have stood by him. People in general do not understand this disorder. Therefore these relationships with these women will not last. It takes a certain kind of person that can handle being with someone that has this disorder. They are few and far between. Only you know in your heart if you are one of these women. Even though he says he is "done done", most likely he said that while in the negative mode. He does not think clearly about anything while in that mode.

It is clear you are in a lot of pain. I suffer that same pain. I am currently in therapy to have good mental health and I have chosen to stick by my man who has the disorder. It is very challenging. I myself have emotional neglect PTSD(another form) so we trigger each other and I am learning now how to deal with that. I am here for you if you need someone that understands, I would be more than happy to share any of the knowledge, tools or resources that I have.

Deb

 

[Deb Bergman]

Dear M
I have read some of the other responses. I do have to agree. Don't be anybody's maid or dirty door mat for them to wipe their feet on. Very important for you to take care of you. Even more so if you may have cancer. You will need every ounce of fight to take care of YOU and BEAT CANCER. It is OK for you to tell him that and be strong and not put up with that. Even though he has the disorder, there is no excuse for playing video games etc and not holding down a job and expecting you to clean up after him. Luckily my boyfriend has a job that keeps him busy and out of the PTSD mode.

 

[M.........]

Thanks everyone..... My heart is so torn and I don't know what to do. I love him so much. I appreciate the advice. I am right now trying to get out of the almost 10 grand he has put me in and well his bills are paid. The most hurtful thing is I don't feel he is looking out for his children. I believe the with the PTSD he is looking for things he reads and watches and love isn't that easy period. He has an image of the perfect relationship and I don't think he will ever find it. It just sucks that I am now homeless, heartbroken, in debt, and dont get to see the kids anymore. I love them kids as if I birthed them. So many people have walked in and out of their lives I don't want them to think that I am just another one that has done that as well. It isn't fair. I truely think if he does get the second shot and steps back and looks at everything he will be sorry and be different. I don't know if I am just holding on to a loss cause.
I know that if he came back and was truely sorry I would be right there. I even just want to be his friend even though it would be so hard on me. I so lost.....

 

[VikVikViktorious]

Shoot him a link to this thread? I dunno. It sucks feeling so lost and desperate. I don't care how many people tell me I'm an idiot for still loving my ex wife. I'm sure I'd take her back in a flash- even w her two new kids. Some love just stays with you whether you like it or not. Whether it's even practical or not.

Obviously the good times w him was enough to outweigh the bad. Your body remembers how he made you feel in the best of times, now it's all you can think about in your worst of times.

 

[joeylittle]

We took him to get the SGB Shot which worked awesomly. It wore off I could almost tell you to the day and time when. He became worse that what he was in the first place. He really became distant and mean. He would tell other women how beautiful they were but would barely tell me. He would be sooo loving one minute and the next I was so scared he was going to yell at me or something. I was stressed in which he said it made him worse.

I only wanted to reply to this, specifically. The Stellate Ganglion Block has only been demonstrated to help specifically with suicidal ideation in vets with treatment-refractory symptoms. What that means, is that it addresses suicidal thinking. It doesn't address the rest of the symptoms that accompany PTSD. It's also currently unknown, whether it does anything besides act as a brief psychiatric tranquilizer, or whether it's working as a placebo. The current research indicates that it may be helping a very small percentage of people, but they really don't know.

This article does a good job: http://www.neurologyadvisor.com/neu.../stellate-ganglion-block-ptsd/article/405713/

The symptoms you are describing could be a result of suicidal thinking, but they seem to go beyond that. So, I would encourage you to not put a whole lot of expectation on him getting that second shot. The kinds of behaviors you describe line up more with overall depression, emotional regulation issues, avoidance, and anger. Those will need to be addressed in more traditional forms of therapy.

Is he getting any other therapy? If so, how's it been going?

(also, your OP now has paragraph breaks in it)

 

[Casey_03]

To be fair, it doesn't sound like the relationship was ever all that great if he started seeing some other girl two months in. I wonder if you are doing what many other people do (myself included) and idealizing something in retrospect that simply was never all that great to begin with?

I agree with everyone else that his behavior just sounds abusive. From what you describe, he treats you like garbage and walks all over you. I suspect the real reason you are still clinging to the idea that things can work out with him is because you're using it to cope with other stuff that you have going on (you mentioned medical tests and a cancer scare). It's only natural for you to crave support and warmth from him right now when you're under that kind of stress, but I think he's already proven himself incapable of providing that.