I was diagnosed with PTSD probably 10 years ago, and have had years of therapy, medication, etc. I've pretty much learned to manage my anxiety and I know what upsets me, so I stay away from it when I can. I grew up taking care of my bipolar mother who committed suicide over a decade ago, which I unfortunately was witness to. So, when it comes to dealing with people who act the way she did, I tend to keep my distance, because I don't want to go through any of that again.
And that's where my issue now comes in. My MIL isn't bipolar, but she has some sort of social disorder. She lashes out at people, has narcissistic tendencies where she needs to have all the attention no matter what, and she is very passive aggressive. I've only known her about 4 years, but my husband and I have known each other 25+ years, married 7, and he waited a long time for us to meet. He's very aware of his mother's behavior. She lives about 10 hrs away from us, and we've only really seen her one 3 day weekend a year for 4 years. But now we have a new baby. This has caused her to want to be more involved in our lives, but also has made her behavior worse.
There's a bunch of stuff prior to this that she has done, but I'll just get to the most recent. When she's told "no" or she doesn't get her way, she goes over the top with her reaction to that. She throws huge tantrums.
She wanted to move into our new house when we were celebrating having bought a new house. We told her no, and she immediately started a whole bunch of drama like making a comment to my husband that made him think she was going to hurt herself. Then she called him up crying asking if he wanted her ashes when she's dead or should she be buried in an unmarked pauper's grave. My FIL (who she's been divorced to for 35 years) called her to tell her to let us live our lives since we were just starting it together. She decided to lash out at me, calling me names on FB, which is a social media platform I'm not even on. While I was pregnant, she wanted everything to be about her, and made a big scene at our family baby shower. This is pretty much when I distanced myself from her completely. I also told my husband that I didn't want my kids near her. He agreed completely, but has kept his relationship with her (which is basically calling every month to check up on her). But she constantly puts him down, and makes negative comments about him and how she thinks he's incapable of being an adult. My husband has a PhD, he runs an office of an international law firm, he's pretty capable.
So, now our baby is just over 2 months old, and MIL recently just told my husband that she was going to come up to visit in 2 weeks, which would've been this weekend. He told her no, and that we were busy, which is true. I had a medical procedure done this past week, the baby had a bad reaction to her 2 month vaccines, our older dog was just diagnosed with cancer, and my father and I have been caring for an elderly relative that is in the hospital. Plus I go back to college in a week and my husband works 12+ hour days. This isn't even to take into consideration that we don't want her around the baby while she's been acting like she is. It's not something I want to expose her to. But again, MIL has taken her grievances to FB which she has set to Public, and now she's claiming she's an alcoholic because of how we treat her. She even went so far as to post a picture of a rum bottle with the caption "Does this go with cheerios?" But she doesn't drink at all, so this is attention seeking behavior.
She had expectations of me, and of what she wanted when the baby was born that aren't happening. I do not want a relationship with her, and our child is her grandchild, not her actual child so her expectations of that are not happening. She wants to be the only grandparent, wants to do whatever she wants with our child without our permission, and pretty much is using our child so she can get more attention. I'm not having it. She realized pretty quickly that I won't deal with her behavior, and I won't feed into it, so she hates me, and accuses me of turning her son against her. He's always said his mom has issues, I didn't put that idea into his head. The woman is 60 years old. Apparently she has always acted like this. She's ruined a lot of my husband's positive events in his life.
I'm not being cruel by keeping my daughter from her, am I? I don't really know how to handle this issue without it possibly affecting my marriage down the road. But with my own PTSD issues, my main concern has been to keep myself healthy so it doesn't affect my child. Is that selfish? I honestly want to tell my husband to distance himself from her too, but that's not really my call. I just hate how he gets upset when she treats him like crap.
And that's where my issue now comes in. My MIL isn't bipolar, but she has some sort of social disorder. She lashes out at people, has narcissistic tendencies where she needs to have all the attention no matter what, and she is very passive aggressive. I've only known her about 4 years, but my husband and I have known each other 25+ years, married 7, and he waited a long time for us to meet. He's very aware of his mother's behavior. She lives about 10 hrs away from us, and we've only really seen her one 3 day weekend a year for 4 years. But now we have a new baby. This has caused her to want to be more involved in our lives, but also has made her behavior worse.
There's a bunch of stuff prior to this that she has done, but I'll just get to the most recent. When she's told "no" or she doesn't get her way, she goes over the top with her reaction to that. She throws huge tantrums.
She wanted to move into our new house when we were celebrating having bought a new house. We told her no, and she immediately started a whole bunch of drama like making a comment to my husband that made him think she was going to hurt herself. Then she called him up crying asking if he wanted her ashes when she's dead or should she be buried in an unmarked pauper's grave. My FIL (who she's been divorced to for 35 years) called her to tell her to let us live our lives since we were just starting it together. She decided to lash out at me, calling me names on FB, which is a social media platform I'm not even on. While I was pregnant, she wanted everything to be about her, and made a big scene at our family baby shower. This is pretty much when I distanced myself from her completely. I also told my husband that I didn't want my kids near her. He agreed completely, but has kept his relationship with her (which is basically calling every month to check up on her). But she constantly puts him down, and makes negative comments about him and how she thinks he's incapable of being an adult. My husband has a PhD, he runs an office of an international law firm, he's pretty capable.
So, now our baby is just over 2 months old, and MIL recently just told my husband that she was going to come up to visit in 2 weeks, which would've been this weekend. He told her no, and that we were busy, which is true. I had a medical procedure done this past week, the baby had a bad reaction to her 2 month vaccines, our older dog was just diagnosed with cancer, and my father and I have been caring for an elderly relative that is in the hospital. Plus I go back to college in a week and my husband works 12+ hour days. This isn't even to take into consideration that we don't want her around the baby while she's been acting like she is. It's not something I want to expose her to. But again, MIL has taken her grievances to FB which she has set to Public, and now she's claiming she's an alcoholic because of how we treat her. She even went so far as to post a picture of a rum bottle with the caption "Does this go with cheerios?" But she doesn't drink at all, so this is attention seeking behavior.
She had expectations of me, and of what she wanted when the baby was born that aren't happening. I do not want a relationship with her, and our child is her grandchild, not her actual child so her expectations of that are not happening. She wants to be the only grandparent, wants to do whatever she wants with our child without our permission, and pretty much is using our child so she can get more attention. I'm not having it. She realized pretty quickly that I won't deal with her behavior, and I won't feed into it, so she hates me, and accuses me of turning her son against her. He's always said his mom has issues, I didn't put that idea into his head. The woman is 60 years old. Apparently she has always acted like this. She's ruined a lot of my husband's positive events in his life.
I'm not being cruel by keeping my daughter from her, am I? I don't really know how to handle this issue without it possibly affecting my marriage down the road. But with my own PTSD issues, my main concern has been to keep myself healthy so it doesn't affect my child. Is that selfish? I honestly want to tell my husband to distance himself from her too, but that's not really my call. I just hate how he gets upset when she treats him like crap.
