General Expectations In A Relationship With A Ptsd Sufferer

[AlwaysLoveHim]

Wow. I got to post 10 before I had tears in my eyes and HAD to sign up -- just to be on this thread! I am going into a masters of social work program (with full intentions of working with veterans with combat ptsd) in the Fall, and am the girlfriend of a veteran with recently diagnosed PTSD. We've been together for two years. Our first year... I lost count how many times we broke up and got back together. I've never met his family, nor he mine. We hardly go out, even to places where there won't be crowds of people (hiking, fishing, etc.). My mother and I got into an argument the last time she visited me because she was trying to convince me that I'm the "other woman", and I had to remind her via email that she knows NOTHING about my relationship when she made a snide comment on Facebook when I posted photos of when we DID finally go fishing.

I felt like, reading many of your posts, that I was reading my own inner dialogue. I am part of many PTSD groups on facebook and I read what these combat veterans are dealing with in hopes of understanding what my boyfriend is feeling. I definitely feel VERY alone. Not one of my close friends or family members have any experience with or deep knowledge of PTSD and many are quick to judge my relationship and decision to stay with him. As someone above said, you see those glimpses of what he is, what he was, what he CAN be, and you hold on. Luckily for me, he recognized his PTSD fairly early, though he can trace signs and symptoms back about 2 years, he is not angry or violent, and he is actively working on coping. He is at a point now where he tells me when he needs some alone time (usually...sometimes he tries to tough it out, and I'll ask him if he needs some time and he'll agree) and he'll talk to me about some of his experiences and feelings now and then--not in depth quite yet, but as deeply as he can at this point. And I'm at a point now where I don't freak out and think he's going to leave me, I don't listen to others opinions about my relationship, and I can give him his space in comfort.

It is hard though. My sister is probably the only one who responds to things without judgement or dislike toward him. She is as happy for his baby steps as I am. (This is pretty amazing because we haven't always gotten along). But that's it. Not one other person has said "wow, that must be hard to deal with" or "hey, how are you and M doing? hang in there".

So, my career as a licensed clinical social worker (in a few years) will be focused on people like us. The significant others that don't count as spouses and don't get access to the resources we need to BECOME spouses, as well as the siblings, parents and close friends that often get shut out.

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Thanks for posting -- it's helpful for everyone to know they're not alone.

 

[AlwaysLoveHim]

I forgot to say this too:

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LOWER YOUR STANDARDS!! You have to manage your expectations and sometimes wait for a better time to bring up your needs in order for him/her to hear you. You have to have more patience. If you know of a need that you aren't fulfilling for your significant other or spouse, you will go through a certain period of processing this information and deciding how to (or if to) fulfill them. Now, double or triple that time for the person with PTSD to get there.

This is a VERY hard lesson to learn. I struggle with it so much. Especially when he and I aren't physically together or he needs alone time and we aren't communicating. I find myself dwelling on the needs he doesn't meet. I really have to make a conscious decision to just ... wait.

 

[CzechTexan26]

I signed up for this site because of this thread -- tears were falling after the first post. 'A' & I met in late November, and by the end of February we were making some serious plans for our future. He's 30, was Infantry in the Army for about 10 years, served 2 tours in Iraq & 1 in Afghanistan, but has not been on active duty for several years. We used to talk for hours, and he would say the sweetest kindest things. He would call or text me throughout the day just to say he loved me or ask how my day was going. (I'm 30 as well, and am definitely not someone who falls for just anyone.)

He left Texas for Wyoming for a month of EMT training as his dream is to become a firefighter again. During his time away he would drive miles just to get cell phone signal to talk to me. Since his return to Texas, things have not been the same. Before we met he had purchased land in the country, and within a couple of days of his airplane touching the ground, he moved out there from his apartment to stay in an RV while the build started. Though he passed his classes, he did not pass the National Certification test to become a firefighter right now (he has 5 more chances to pass it.) Stress & disappointment, disappointment & stress.....I get it, and I've been as patient & understanding as any one woman can be. He will go days without talking to or texting me. When I finally get a hold of him he just says he has been too busy.

I knew about the PTSD before we became serious, I knew he was on medication, and I knew he was in therapy. I did not have an inkling of a clue just how much our relationship could/would be effected by PTSD or how he chooses to handle it. Of course I naturally go into "what's going on here" mode & assume he is avoiding me to get out of the relationship. Of course I take everything personally & try to figure out where things went wrong. I mean when he goes for days without contacting me, breaks promises, and this hurts my feelings what else am I supposed to think? So, when he doesn't tell me not to cancel the trip we planned for me to visit him, I show up. Was it a happy greeting after a month apart? Absolutely not. He hugs me, he kisses me, and he apologizes over & over because he needs time to get his head straight. It's the PTSD, he says. He just needs the weekend and everything will be better. He swears & he kicks me out without every actually asking me to leave.

I've given him outs over the phone & in person. He tells me he doesn't want to lose me, that he wants to marry me. Begs me to give him time. Turns out he was out of his medication, for how long, I have no idea. I went down there this past week to see him & reassure him I love him & want him. After we spent some much-needed one-on-one time together the PTSD hits, and I've never been so broken-hearted. He went from this strong masculine man, to a child curled up in a ball. He wouldn't let me touch him, be near him, nothing. I'm stubborn, and I want to understand. I'm at a loss. I love him. I love all of him. I believe him 100% he loves me. Yesterday was my birthday. I haven't heard from him in 3 days.

 

[Sighs]

Oh hon! I feel for you! I find one of the hardest things is when my combat PTSD man is in obvious distress but won't allow me to touch or comfort him in any way. I've often curled up in a ball next to him, back to back. He finds that comforting as soldiers often sleep back to back when in hot zones. It feels somewhat rejecting to me but it offers him comfort so I've gotten used to it.

He broke up with me 5 days before Christmas even though he knew that I had quit my job and packed up my whole house to move interstate to be with him. I was physically sick I was so upset. Its really hard to know what to do in that situation - do you proceed on the basis that he will come out of the episode and want to build a life with you or do you make plans on the basis that it is over. My man came out of the rage episode once I stopped taking his (abusive ranting) calls, apologised profusely and I made the move at Christmas time. We have now bought a place together but each time he withdraws I'm terrified that its all over. Its a hard way to live. I do my best to take it day by day and if it all ends tomorrow he will always be the love of my life. Hope you find a path you can walk.

 

[CzechTexan26]

Right now I'd rather have ranting calls than total silence. He pocket-dialed me after midnight last night, and I heard him talking, so I know he is alive.

I'm happy the 2 of you are together again, but I know it's hard not to fear the ground collapsing beneath your feet. Hold your head up high & love yourself as hard as you love him.

I pray his meds kick in soon so we can attempt to reconnect. I'm still planning on moving down to be with him within the month. I'll get my own place, but be nearer to him.

Thank you for your empathy!!

 

[Cknep1]

I mi

Pale Warrior: Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post! I just want to emphasize that it's not that I don't completely and totally understand where my mom is coming from... I do, I get it. I know what the relationship can look like to other people. I try my very best to accept that and realize that maybe I can't do much about it. I don't blame her for not being supportive. But, at the same time, I do think that she should at least be able to respect my decisions as an adult... and being with C is one of the those decisions. I'm not asking her to love C, or to even support our relationship... all I'm asking is that she respects our relationship. Right now, she does not show me much respect. She makes snarky comments whenever C comes up in conversation, and is constantly making the point that this relationship is "temporary" and "not serious." The way she speaks about him and approaches our relationship is rather condescending and hurtful. That's where the problem lies. I don't have a problem with her opinion... I have a problem with the way she is handling the situation.

.

In response I must say that, my family is VERY new to the "my daughter is in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer" and they have been nothing but supportive. They also have highly educated themselves on this disease and made it there goal to understand him and me. I cannot express enough gratitude for them taking that long step, considering they've seem me in some BAD relationships in the past. What I'm trying to say is I can't understand how your folks will not educate themselves on the men that give them their freedom, or understand the anger, isolation and especially the careless attitude of "important days", I've a seen my fair amount of no shows. I'm sure you get that point, but how can they not at least TRY to understand the PTSD brain at least for you're sake. I hope you can get them to watch a documentary on Iraqi veterans or at least read an Article since in my experience it's extremely crucial to there understanding of the love that we have for our service men. Please let your heart and mind make your choices not your family, it is your life and your happiness.

 

[Sighs]

Cknep1, in my case my parents understand only too well. My Dad is also a combat PTSD sufferer and my Mum has been in a relationship with him for almost 50 years. Neither of them want me to be in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer. I guess you always want your children to have it better/easier/different to what you have... But, as you say its my life and I am at peace with my decision to be with my vet.

 

[Cknep1]

Sighs,

You most definitely have that correct! Parents always want better for their kids and who knows maybe in years down the road this is the better/best thing for you. Hang in there! At least we all always have this to come back to when no one else can quite comprehend the ones we love.

Oh and my man and I totally do the back to back curl. He really doesn't like to be touched when he's struggling and I've grown to get comfort from that and will take back to back "snuggling" over not being able to do anything at all

 

[IttyBittyKitty]

Cknep1, in my case my parents understand only too well. My Dad is also a combat PTSD sufferer and my Mum has been in a relationship with him for almost 50 years. Neither of them want me to be in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer. I guess you always want your children to have it better/easier/different to what you have... But, as you say its my life and I am at peace with my decision to be with my vet.

My mother left my father after 20 years because she couldn't deal with it. My dad spent 3 years in Vietnam (and of course, back then, there was no diagnosis or treatment; they just called it "shellshock") and came back with malaria, was an alcoholic and probably on drugs, too. When she found out my guy also had PTSD, the first thing she said was, "You grew up with that. Do you really want to go through it again?"

And that's a fair question.

 

[Cknep1]

Damn that's defintely a realistic reaction on her part. So sorry you and her had to go through that, it was so terrible for all those Vietnam vets and their families. Hopefully for you and her, the new treatments and therapy can give more guidance and growth for our guys now. Hope you are ar least in a decent scenario where you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there!

 

[ARH10]

This thread is so wonderful. I feel as if I am reading some of my own thoughts. There is a daily struggle of boundaries and emotions. I do not have the energy to share today but I am so grateful for those of you who do--who make me feel like I am not alone.

 

[chicken sammich]

I offer a great big hug, high fives, pouring the bubbly and passing around godiva chocolates to all of you strong women! I'm in the boat with you - ups and downs, highs and lows, sweet reality and a whole lotta bullsh*t too...this is PTSD, this is his life....our life. Today, I feel strong. We have dated for three months, and I am getting a thicker skin to weather his storms. I've heard his apologies and I feel them down in my soul. Today I stood up for myself and drew a line in the sand. I may never hear from him again. IDK but I know this - NOBODY deserves to be treated like a doormat! I'm a human just like him, and PTSD or not, giving me a rude sendoff is unacceptable and no way to treat the person that is his biggest fan. Am I right?

I'm loving this forum and gaining so much knowledge and support from the intelligent and aware viewpoints shared here.
Thanks for being here. xoxo