General Expectations In A Relationship With A Ptsd Sufferer

[LizD]

Hi

I have recently started seeing a ex serviceman with ptsd. He was honest about his condition from the start but i'm falling deep and im worried about how to handle his condition. He gets really jumpy at the slightest noise and admitted to hallucinating after fire works went off the over evening.

I guess I just want any tips on making this work. What can I do to support him?

I suffer with my own health problems, both physical and mental, and he has been great about them so far. Totally ignoring the embarrassing and dealing with my anxieties over our relationship. I plan on opening up totally to him next week about my anxieties and i just want to be there for his.

 

[Sighs]

Hi Liz. Join as a member. It's free and this is a great resource for supporters.

I'm the daughter of a combat vet and the partner of a combat vet. Ice been dealing with combat PTSD my whole life. It's complicated. The more you learn the better you will be able to make decisions about whether this relationship is right for you.

 

[angelindisguise]

Hello all! So thrilled to have found this thread and read so many positive, persevering stories in the name of love.
I am a 22 year old female and was officially diagnosed a few days ago with ptsd from a traumatic date rape experience and following relationship with a narcissistic, abusive man that happened 5 years ago. I have suffered depression, hallucinations, severe sleep paralysis, and borderline suicidal actions. I dealt with almost all of those issues on my own and practice mindfulness, meditation, art, and other inherently spiritual and love filled self-treatment. I am seeing a psychologist for my depression and overall emotional numbness, but I am pretty damn self aware and strong willed and I worked my ASS off to be able to say that.
Four months ago I met the most amazing man, who has suffered in different but equally as powerful ways that I have. I feel that because of this, he truly deeply understands me and the path i have gone down. We are spiritually driven people and use our relationship as a way to teach and elevate eachother. We study different religions ideas of truth, God, and love together. BUT. I believe he has ptsd from a car accident he was pronounced dead in. He is a beautiful person and he loves me unconditionally, that I am sure of. When we are together, and things are good it is pure bliss, he goes out of his way in every way he can to make me feel loved. but like most of the stories, when he is triggered he can become a monster. He would never hurt me, but the reactiveness and anger that comes out is VERY difficult for me to deal with considering those actions are my triggers... I am aware, even in this rage that the man he wants to be and the man I love is still there. he is always accountable and deeply apologetic afterward, and he knows that its wrong. I no longer have panic attacks from his irrational outbursts but I often find myself shutting down and waiting out the storm. but they continue, and he promises over and over that he will never do it again. He has been heavily medicated for anxiety/depression over the years, with benzos, antidepressants, and the like. In the past month he has gone off of all of his meds but one, and even that one the dosage is 1/4 what it used to be. He is not so spacey when we are together, but his temper is much worse due to the now heightened chemical imbalance. Im looking for both support from other women (because I'm tired of being told to leave the man I love) and also some advice for approaching and managing a way to stop the outbursts faster and help him gain the control he wants and deserves.
This is very long, thanks to anyone who took the time to read it!!!

 

[Dswan]

Reading all of these experiences made me feel so much less alone in this battle and I appreciate each of your for sharing your experiences. I've been with G for just under a year. G and I connected instantly and began sharing our experiences very early into our relationship. He's an Afghanistan combat veteran with PTSD, TBI, and numerous other physical ailments. Being a paramedic, I can understand and empathize with some of the things he's seen, as I've seen some gruesome things as well. This both helps us connect and hinders our ability to discuss things at times, as I will admittedly say I am extremely jaded. I've told him numerous times throughout our relationship that I can understand as much as I am able, but I will never understand fully the experiences that he has witnessed and been involved in; his friends won't see things exactly as he does either, he's the only person that will ever interpret what he's seen in the way he does.

Our relationship began with a ton of communication; little things like sending voice messages back and forth at work just to say "I love you", spending time together whenever we were able, etc. He was previously married and divorced, and has a child with his previous girlfriend; the father that he was drew me to him the most. In August, we found out that I was pregnant. I was terrified at first, and he reassured me that we would begin our family together and we would be okay. We were so excited. At my 6 week ultrasound appointment, we discovered that I was carrying an ectopic pregnancy; I'm not typically one to cry, but to say I broke down in the office would be an understatement. He just held me and let me express my sadness. This is when I really started noticing a difference; I had to visit the ER to receive a shot that would help me miscarry my baby. G knew I was there, I asked him to be with me and was given the response that he was unable to do so. No less than a week after this, I began having feelings of depression and dispair; we began having blowout verbal altercations. At this time he also began having flashbacks at work(he worked in a nightclub at the time as security). His nightmares started becoming more prominent again, and his temper became shorter. I have issues with anger on my own, so the two of us having control issues during arguments is not helpful in the least. Regardless, we decided to move into a house together. We've been here since November; he's probably been home a total of 3 weeks, if that, in extremely sporadic increments. G was terminated in early December. He missed Thanksgiving and Christmas; was MIA for those days, actually. We barely have communication. He has been away from my home at this time for 3 weeks. We have spoken maybe 3 days during this instance of his absence. He claims he's going to support groups at the VA, staying with group members, and he had an appointment with the VA yesterday for testing that lasted all day and ended with him staying overnight for a sleep study. He was due to come home yesterday; this has become a promise that I do not expect to be kept at this point, as with all of the others. I found out since he's been gone this time, he lied about who he was living with prior to moving here, he wasn't divorced until recently, he's been seen out at places he shouldn't be, etc. I love this man with every part of me; I so badly want to believe everything that he tells me, and to see why he keeps things secret at times, but part of me can't help but think that I've been played for a fool at the same time. G has expressed to me that he wants us to go to counseling together, and I have agreed. I've also set up my own counseling to help cope with my own problems and learn how to better deal with my demons so that I am able to help him battle his. Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated.

 

[BlueOrange]

@Dswan , it sounds like you're doing the right things. He sounds very confused, and it seems like his pain levels went up when the pregnancy went wrong. The way he copes with pain is causing problems, however.

He's saying that he wants to make an effort. He might make progress, and will probably stumble in future as well. Only you know what you'll need to see, to make staying worthwhile.

 

[MaryellenVet]

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now... he got out of the Marines just a few months befor...

I just met a conbat vet I too took care of Patients with scares and burns after the fact of the Gulf War I am 50 But I feel at times You are like me but I feel you are In a very different situation as The man I like has an ended marriage and I am sure has not showen up for a date in a week. I am rather sure as he talks with me while he drinks I am to stressed as a vet and I suffered with a non combate vet who beat me I am just divorced just 8 months It is hard to see the person you love suffer. I feel you need a saport group or a women who can saport you with ideas to help you not feel so isolated.I will pray for you and not stop no matter what your choice and for your boyfriend.

 

[Trusthim]

He has PTSD and I have ADHD, has this happen to anyone there? I just wanna know what to expect and what to do?will this relationship survive?

 

[Victoria J]

Wow. I feel like this is a page right out of my life.

My boyfriend and I have been together...

Hello there, I hope to be friends with you. I am the same experience with my boyfriend and I suffer a lot emotionally and mentally, I need a friend I can talk to who is in same situation. Thank you and I hope to hear back.

 

[Anxious_but_loving]

Hello everyone, I'm heartbroken on this day and just really need an ear. I'm naturally the kind of person who blames herself for things. & I know this. My boyfriend and I were dating for 4 months and broke up yesterday. He is a veteran from the Iraq war. I didn't know a lot about PTSD but I am often times an introvert so I'd try to give him space although I felt unimportant to him when he'd disappear for hrs or be distant the day after we were physically intimate. It made me feel used. He's done a lot of hurtful things. Such as tell me I should walk away from him at the store because I'm bothering him all bc I was looking at the same thing or tell me that he's only going to "let" me say one more thing bc he decides when we're going to talk or not. At one point he asked his ex out and hid it from me. The way he behaves plus what I have found have made my already existing trust issues worse. Well my phone recently broke & I needed to send myself a photo I had previously sent him from his phone. He said I couldn't bc he needed to check his phone for "anything that might bother me" I tried to be quiet about it as I've always held my tongue and walked on egg shells for him but I couldn't help it and I told him I felt uncomfortable & he lost it. He has anger issues as he admits and last night he kicked me out of his car, threw away the good we were bringing home, and threatened that he is not the person to pick fights with. I ended it but I feel at fault. How do I know what is manipulation and what is ptsd?

 

[lostinNS]

All these stories are so relevant to me. I'm sorry that this is long, but it is my first post and I'm at my breaking point. thanks for reading if you have the time. I could use the advice of others who have been here. I met my partner M. just five months ago and I'm not sure I can do it anymore. We seemed like the perfect match. I'm not an idealist, but he seemed to be the man that I prayed for all my life except for two things: He is suffering with PTSD and he lives about a 4 hours drive away from me. She says it would be his intention to move where I am because he has nothing grounding him where he lives now. He has no children, but I see that all his supports are there and he hasn't lived where I am before so it would be all new and I'm not sure how he would manage. We "got" each other from the start and met very soon after starting a conversation online and it was love at first sight. We were both married before, I am in my 40s and he in his 50s.. we are 10 years apart almost exactly. It seemed like a great fit. We had a lot of fun together, laughed until we cried and cried tears of understanding together too.

I was diagnosed with PTSD following a severe car accident almost 20 years ago which exposed an earlier rape trauma from my teens. I have done my work and am in recovery. I no longer live with daily panic and my symptoms are managed well with yoga, mindfulness, and prayer. Everyday I make choices to be well. It took me a long time to get where I am and I have been an advocate for mental health in my community for awhile now. I thought I understood PTSD until I met M. We connected on this level because I do understand what he is going through and can be very empathetic to his symptoms. I've felt many of them, although I will fully admit that I have never been in the debilitating mental state where he often ends up. He was diagnosed 15 years ago. He was medically retired a number of years ago and his work now is to get well. It will be a long journey for him. He didn't start his recovery until 2 years ago. His symptoms were treated with a million drugs and self medication. His first marriage was a toxic nightmare and I would call it a second trauma. He is getting better and when we met I think I thought he was better than he actually is. The more comfortable he is with me, the more he reveals to me about his illness. He is an incredibly shy man, distrustful of strangers and carries deep shame about many things. In my he found a safe place.

When we are together it feels like we can do anything, he takes care of me and helps me, but when we are apart he quickly cycles out of control and I can't reach him. Not just physically, but emotionally. He doesn't hear me (he hears his ex and looks for me to react like her - with yelling, cheating, and judgement). He seems to crave drama then because that is all he knew before. That's not me. I'm a pacifist. I have tried to establish boundaries around texting and FaceTime because conversations there are easily miscommunicated thanks to an activated brain on his end. He is triggered from the time he wakes up from his drug induced "sleep" and everything seems to upset him yet he will say that he is not upset. It is clear that he is. I broke up with him last month because I couldn't take it anymore. I was losing myself, walking on eggshells and never being able to say anything that didn't set him off. But, he came back and asked me to go to his therapist with him and I did. We started working on a book together on communicating in a relationship through Emotionally Focused Therapy... I say we started, but we listened to the book, but we have barely started the questions because when I presented it to him he jumped down my throat and called it homework even though it was he that suggested that damn book.

We had a fruitful few days in person since getting back together and I can see what a beautiful life it could be with him, but as soon as we are apart it's like the world flips upside down. PTSD gets the better of him within a few days and I am walking on eggshells. I'm ignoring him if I don't respond to his tirades, I'm mean if I respond but not with the lovey-dovey stuff he's expecting if I'm busy (I am a single mom, full-time student, and student minister among other things) and if he finally does piss me off enough and I respond poorly then he is passive aggressive and tries to make me feel like he is perfectly okay and I'm the one with the problem. Quite frankly, I'm exhausted. He emphatically tells me how much he loves me and he is a darling so much of the time, but within a couple of days of us being apart he turns into this needy, suspicious, rude, bossy, passive aggressive jerk.

I have two daughters who fell in love with him too, and I can't see bringing someone who is behaving like this into their lives. I won't. They haven't seen this yet, although they know that I called it off last month with him because of his health... they understand PTSD because of me. I too am concerned for myself because it is really hard to talk to anyone about this. I know my friends think I'm nuts to stay with him when almost every night I am left in tears of frustration and sadness. They accused me of being codependent, and I was leaning that way which is why I called it off before. I'm not going that root again! It is terrible to witness him suffering from so far away and not be able to help him and at the same time be the target for his tirades. I feel so guilty for just wanting to run away. On one hand he says he needs to know I am there for him, and then on the other hand I'll offer advice or help with a matter (I do not try to "fix" anything as I know better) and he says he doesn't need my help and has to do it by himself. I don't think he is ready for a loving relationship. Loving relationships are supposed to be life giving... this feels like it is sucking the life out of me. :( HELP!

 

[Contressa]

[Self Edit- this post turned out way longer than I had intended. It is also just in my own experienc...

You seem like your the only one that I have read so far that is being real to what we deal with. I'm not putting a time frame on anyone's relationship but I feel like it take time for this monster to show its self and I'm sorry 6 months is just not it. I'm with you with being called the names and breaking things of importance to you IT IS NO ACCEPTABLE. . . .EVER! Yes you have PTSD but its not okay to behave this way and use your sickness as a crutch. We are married but I feel like i'm failing BAD. It's hard when the person won't get help or need you to hold their hand through every process and will not accept any responsibility. When one person carries all the weight of working cleaning cooking but at times you feel okay to pick up some of the load when you feeling better it may last for three weeks at a time then back to the old ways and days. Its just not going to work. While everyone else in the house go up and down up and down. What kind of life it that for kids???? Then when your down it horrific like you said the b word breaking things. FBing private and personal pictures and quotes about the women you claim you love. Then you snap back and all the i'm sorry's come. What tha what? I feel like I'm not a professional and in a marriage everyone has baggage. I bring my past family abuse when I was a child my father was abusive to my mother for 30 years. I took care of my family (2 younger brothers) since I was a freshman in high school but I don't used this as a crutch it is what it is. And then a single parent of 3 for 15 yrs before I met my husband. Does it prevent me from putting with a lot of his crap oh yes. But lol maybe i need some help too. I love God I pray and I feel like that and counseling will help us but none of these ideas are suiting to his liking. when you only do it for a moment and to please me and not to help yourself it will never work.

 

[A13]

Hi guys. Loved reading this thread. I took a lot from it. Have been asking myself the same questions recently and the answers have definitely gave me plenty to think about.
It's nice that all of us can relate to each other so well as we understand exactly what's going on. :)