Explosive Anger

[Danielmp82]

I am a service member who has served multiple tours down range. I've been back stateside since 2008. Ive always been proud of the fact that I've been able to handle my PTSD without the aid of medication. I've battled with anger since I was a child but nothing like this. It may be the smallest thing that sets it off, my dog chewing a shoe, or my son being careless, but I become so angry and often yell un necessarily and tense up with the desire to hit something. Now I have never nor would I ever hit my son but I have taken my anger out on a wall, my car, a tree, etc... now everyone says watch out for your triggers, or find the underlying reason, but what if you cant figure out your triggers and cant figure out that underlying reason? Most of the time im a laid back guy, even gentle some would say, but there is a "Hulk", for lack of a better term, brewing underneath. I refuse to rely on medication as I believe it shoukd be able to be handled by other means just as I conquered my other symptoms. Im just sick of this feeling. I hold people at a distance, even those close to me. They think they are close but do they really know me, at times im not sure I know myself. Not sure if im making any sense or if this is a bunch of rambling. I dont know how to talk about it really so here goes nothing.

 

[Danielmp82]

And by the way exercise doesnt help, it just makes me tired and angry. Movies and video games help some but very little.

 

[DMerish]

Welcome to myptsd, Daniel - Your post made perfect sense.

There are lots of supportive people here, whom I'm sure can relate to what you wrote, just as I have. Get familiar with the site. The resource section, and read other people's post to see how other people deal . . . Many of us are, or have been, adverse to medication. Including myself. But, alas, I've succumb and I'm happy about doing so now. I'd like to get off of it, but we'll see in the future . . .

There is a companion site to this one called "mycombatptsd" - you can go to it by clicking on the button at the top of the page that's titled "network" - you may also find support there.

Again, welcome. You're among friends.

 

[Danielmp82]

Thanks I appreciate it, not sure if this will help at all. Im not really sure how to talk about my "feelings". What ive written is really as far as ive gotten in conversation but I need to try something.

 

[Barberian]

Welcome to the forum. Anthony (owner of this forum) has a sister site for combat vets that have PTSD Link Removed . (edit: I just noticed DMerish's post mentions the same thing) The site is separate from this one as I'm sure you know, we don't always play nice with civilians. ;)

Anger and rage are common components for vets. I'm a retired vet, and I've suffered the instant rage and such also for years. I'm currently going to an aggression/anger management class through the VA. It's helped a lot already and we are only about a third of the way into the lesson plan. Have you gotten any counseling through the VA or if your not American your countries equivalent?

 

[keifer]

Ive used that same term Hulk.

 

[Danielmp82]

Barberian no I haven't sought counseling through the VA (american). I never know what to say past what I wrote and all I hear them talk about is finding the triggers or the route of the anger so im very skeptical of their "help". I talked to someone once and ended up walking away more frustrated then when I first went. I also have a very full schedule as ive been rebuilding my home myself and raising my son 6 days out of the week (his mom has him Saturday). I work 2 jobs to provide the life he deserves.

 

[Danielmp82]

Keifer, yeah Hulk seemed like the only term that fits how I feel.

 

[DMerish]

You've got an awful lot on your plate, Daniel. Here's a link to something that might help, as explained by Anthony: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/

By clicking on "Articles" at the top of this page and rummaging around, you can find additional more information that could be helpful in understanding the workings of PTSD along with tips and tools to help manage it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm also in the @DMerish camp of being adverse to medications (I was off them for three years while trying to manage with just therapy.) And, I have recently decided to go back on them (no small feat as at one point I thought I rather die!). It was the best decision I could have made.

 

[keifer]

Before PTSD, I didn't know what rage was. I was never really an angry person. When my hulk is out, I see the world in red. Yesterday, I didn't know I was seeing red.

I'm a martial artist. I'm supposed to be in control at all times. Yesterday, I threw 100 punches into the air as hard as I could. Today, I'm sore. Tomorrow will be more so.

I thought I had my hulk under control. I still get hyper vigilant and now when I'm around crowds or inside stores shopping it happens where it wasn't before.

How is getting worse better in this process? I'm starting to feel these feelings are normal way of life now as I just accept them as the way things are.

 

[Jenfa]

Accepting sides of yourself "as is" takes a lot of practice. Not accepting the rage or lashing out, but accepting being very uncomfortable for a temporary period of time. The more I changed the reaction instead of trying to change the thought itself, the more the thought didn't bother me the way it did anymore. In fact, most things don't bother me anymore. After some time to look at it from a distance, it's easier to trust yourself not to flip out so you go into things much calmer and in a more mellow state of mind.

I wish I could have done it naturally. I tried very hard to conquer it without meds, but it wasn't in the cards for me. But I was off meds completely for 7 years and this way of thought got me through that time where not only was there enormous pressure for me to be 'present' in family life, but I had to be a teacher to my kid who just didn't deserve to grow up with a raging lunatic. He was starting to yell and react to everything, just as I did. Something had to give. Boy did that make me feel like crap. But that's good that I felt like crap because it got me taking better care of my head so I can take care of his. It's an awfully cute head. Freckles n everything.

That scary hulk person used to be the toughest person I knew until I met the person who told the scary hulk person to take a hike.