Extremely Dependant On Self Harm

[Hypothermia2012]

I can't go a day without it. It's all I think about (besides my daughter). Once my baby is in bed, and I'm alone, it's just me and my tools. It's peace, and blissful chaos , it's insane but so, effective... I don't know what to do. My t asks me every week if I've sh since we last spoke and sometimes I lie . .. I feel like a lost cause..

 

[Ronin]

Hi Hypo!

(Lots of questions ahead, beware :) I hope to not be too personal, but man never knows, so please feel free to disregard if they make you uncomfortable.)

First off, you're not a lost cause.
Secondly, what else can you be doing when you're alone? Is it the loneliness getting to you? Is it that you have time for yourself / comfort time, and don't know how to find comfort otherwise?
Do you think of self harm when watching your daughter? Could you watch over your baby instead of hurting yourself for a time?
What else feels peace and blissful chaos, separately?

 

[Hypothermia2012]

It's not the loneliness, it's the hurt and depression and the flashbacks and the night terrors, I just never get a moment, where I am in control, and while I self harm, I'm the one causing the hurt. I'm in control of what I do it that moment. And I get some relief for a few minutes afterwards and then I end up dissociating from the anxiety of someone finding out. The only time I don't think of sh is when I'm with my baby. I have tried everything, holding ice, colouring, tapping, elastic band to snap myself with, ice diving, exercise, writing etc, you name it, I've tried it. Nothing else feeds the urge...

 

[Ronin]

You're doing great in responding, thanks for that.

Okay, who could find out, in the present, and how would you resolve them reacting badly? And what would you do / want to do differently with them finding if it's a person from your past, can you make a different scenario about what happened and kept happening, to reduce the anxiety?

Not saying it to ease you into more self harm; thinking of breaking that cycle by making the uncomfortable part less uncomfortable, and the comfort to cope with things less urgent to be sought.

With an activity you're already well familiar with; may be easier to change thoughts and feelings after something in the SH routine changes.

 

[Hypothermia2012]

My fiancé has found out before, he thinks I've stopped. He really does not understand my need to harm. He has never been under such crippling pain and unimaginable depression that has made him feel the need to find such an outlet. It's very awkward to talk to him about it... He loves and supports me but does not realize it's an addiction...

 

[Ronin]

Do you guys talk? I don't mean about heavy schtuff, mean what's going on in your days and things like that.

Wondering if changing communication / having more of it, could redirect you to another direction, maybe days not locking up in child care / self harm for a self care / the daily stuff / other stuff cycle it seems they're getting. Venting through the small things that seem to be adding up and breaking the camel's back, daily.

 

[jacx]

Hi Hypothermia,
I've been struggling with SI recently too. One thing that my therapist and I figured out about it is that the SIB is closely linked to my feelings of shame and self-hatred, and to a belief that I deserve to be punished. One thing that's been helping (slowly) is that I'm trying to pay closer attention at the times when I am treating myself with kindness and care. Not in big ways, just things like brushing my teeth or putting a sweater on. I notice how practicing self-care feels, and how there really aren't any bad consequences to it.
Also, my pdoc added an atypical antipsychotic to my SNRI, in hopes that it will help with the obsessive thoughts of self-harm.
I don't know if that's at all helpful.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I understand that, lately I've been a bit calmer on self harm, and nearly stopping, but if you saw me just a few months ago... I don't know how I managed to get better, I guess support and relaxation, but yep. A year ago if I tried to delay self harm I would start shaking and similar within moments. But self harm can be stopped, I've been selfharming for years, and just now am beginning to stop even a bit