Extremely Heavy Theraphy Session

[Deleted member 28403]

Today I had a really hard hitting theraphy session :(

Okay, it was the first day of my psychiatrist back from his vacation, the beggining was sorta standard, some joking and also him sharing his current personal problems, like, the problem of him wan. ting to give his daughter advice regarding what university to go to without making it seem like he is putting pressure on her for one or another and so on.

Then he pointed out that this is the first session that I haven't used the formal "you" (in my language it's an audible different, the informal being "ti" and formal being "vi"). I got really anxious from that and confused, but then he said that it is actually a good sign of some trust. And so on. I was really anxious though. After that point, it was some discussion regarding some stuff about life, and I find it extremely hard to write about it.

It's not even related to trauma, I can type about trauma, but this stuff is like, personal problems, and I just find it really hard to talk about it and speak about it. I was dissociating during the session, quite a lot, as he pointed out.

My mind is a complete mush...

As I was dissociating, the theraphy sessions is even more of a mush.

At some point he was saying something regarding me, and for some reason I was hoping that he would say I'm a lighter case, that I'm normal that I can function :( He didn't say anything such

Some other stuff he said was that I'm ambivalent, I want people, I want to be with people, but at the same time I want to be safe from people and hide from people... Thats sorta true... For everything. I want and don't want at the same time.

Before that he asked me what I want. I guess that is how we got to that.

Later he asked some other stuff, but I'm feeling too crap now to write much

 

[Justmehere]

It seems like you did some amazing work opening up to him. It makes sense you took some steps to trust him with the here and now and that you were also nervous and anxious. The present can be hard for me to share with my therapist too, it's where I feel the most vulnerable.

I struggle with ambivalence too, many people do. It's a very common thing after trauma, especially childhood trauma. You needed caregivers to be safe and you feared them too. Makes sense that you would want and not want other things now.

You did good work. I hope you find some ways to be grounded and decompress from this hard session. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Thank you so much for responding
:hug: Really means a lot

I was feeling like I was really abnormal for being this way, sorta is good that there are others similar

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Also, he noticed that the side of my head is bleeding. Like, there was dry blood on my glasses and ear. I don't rememebr last night... I don't know what to do anymore

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I'm still trying to process the theraphy session, and suggestions or advice?

 

[Panda Bear]

It's always interesting when therapist begins to notice little quarks and personality traits/PTSD side effects. Even more so when they feel safe presenting them in session. They start to see the trust growing, so they venture out and try new ways of talking to us. And that always brings about a massive shift in trust for me, maybe you too? I'm always taken back when T makes trust comments, about how it's going. Or when he points out my struggles, where early on in our work I didn't know I did those things and then when I did, it upset me so he wouldn't press the issue. Now he does...

I get defensive and angry when I leave. Like 'how dare he say that I trust more...' Or 'I don't need people' how could he say that??

Or I'll feel hurt that he pointed out my struggles.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Sorta exactly that :hug:

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Hmm, a bit more processed now, I guess. Though I was abdly dissociated through a part of the theraphy, I am not sure but I think he wanted me to do something for the next session

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I wish that you were able to just relax and seek comfort and not pain relief for yourself more. I think if you were able to be there more for you and rest and take the best care of you, things would settle for you somewhat.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I am not sure what you mean...

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I feel as if you truly do not care about yourself as much as I would hope for you. Doing small self care things for yourself and being kind to yourself unless I am mistaken and reading into this things that are not there. If so I apologize.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Oh, you mean in the ways of self care

Yea, I'm definitely a failed case on that, at best I can get to some self care but still 0 self love...