*facepalm* Issues With A Parent.

[anon000]

Well this evening I told my mother I was going to seek help when I am able to return home for this. This lead to a really good conversation, one that was beneficial to both of us. She too had an abusive childhood stemming from religious based control and bullying from my grandparents.

Being that I also have gender issues which very few people know of, part of the anxiety is coming out about it. I have already had some friends, one gay whom rolled his eyes when I mentioned what was going on. It just sucks to feel like a freak show, once again feeling one of a kind and alone. Sadly, when going over to the mindset of the other gender I feel at peace, happy, I can enjoy life...well once the dysphoria of feeling like being in the wrong body is put to ease. The only reason why I mentioned that here is because it was part of why I am as I am, being beaten and tormented for being different from others.

I also mentioned that because at the end of our conversation the one thing I needed was her support. I felt like it's always been conditional. I was hoping that I could finally get that. When the time came I asked her if I had her support *I did not come out as bi-gender but I just needed to know that I had it*, she dodged the question. I honed it a bit more and the response I had was "I don't know what you're up to, so..." I just sank. We had a good conversation and I really was feeling better and I was hoping she was too and it just killed it. I just wanted to break down right there, but I was in a really bad place to do it at. So, I collected myself and back under the mask I went. I am soo thankful I have a mate that supports me in anything, including this. They were trying to cheer me up when I talked to them a few minutes ago. Oh well... At least some things were resolved.

 

[ronin47]

Ya, my therapist once described that as a gambling addiction. He told me I had a gambling addiction to my father. I continued to go back to him looking for acceptance and validation even though he repeatedly burned me because of the few chance occasions where I did get the validation that I wanted so badly. Even though those times were so few, they felt so good that they kept me coming back for more punishment. At the risk of sounding like I am excusing what your mother did, you must remember that she to is an imperfect human. Love her from a distance, don't ask her for something she may not even know how to give. As you said, she has had issues with abuse herself. Put your energy into more predictable sources of validation and support.