Facing Fear And Loss

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Last Thursday I learned that a co-worker of mine had died. I work in a very small school so it was like losing a member of a close family in a sense. When I went to work on Friday, I was exhausted. I was exhausted from having to keep it together the day before in order to support my students through their grief. I also had the beginnings of a cold.

On the drive down the road to my school, I cried. I just couldn't see how life in that town could be going on without this person. How could we just keep going to school? How could this be at all right? But as I turned into the parking lot, I wiped away those tears. I pushed them back because again, I needed to be present and focused.

I ended up asking my principal if I could leave early because I was sick. I left at noon time and went home to try to sleep. I couldn't sleep.

I've spent all weekend feeling sad, but every time I start to cry, I stop. I have parts of me that think it is unsafe to cry and I myself don't think I have the time to cry.

As I prepare to go to bed, I realize that I am scared. I am scared to go back to my school tomorrow. I have the same feelings as I did on Friday. It's not right to be going back to that school without that person being there. She wasn't technically there this year, but there was the hope that she would return. Now there is no hope. And I know her spirit will live on and keep shining in this school, but it's not the same. And right now it is too hard to go back.

Anyway, I really just needed to post this because I feel so alone and afraid. Perhaps if I right it here, it will somehow help me work through it.

 

[RussH]

Hi J,
You pay a good tribute to your friend and co-worker by greiving their passing.
Yes you can return to the school. I know that it will be difficult, but your friend would want you to carry on, and they would want you to be there for your students.
You don't have to do this for a year, or a month, or a week. You just need to do it for a day. And then when that day is over, you just need to do it for the next day.
I think you will find as you are there for your students, they will also be there for you.
Just remember you are not alone; we are friends, and I am here for you.

 

[Chava]

So sorry. If it doesn't feel safe to cry (I relate to that) does it help to hold a teddy bear or something tight so you can at least acknowledge that part of you that is really sad and needs some comfort? I teach too and we do get very good at holding it together for students, and helping them calmly through their own crisis moments at times, even when we don't feel good. This time of year is draining anyway and the loss of a teacher and colleague would be really hard. And yes lots of nasty illnesses...I only get sick when I'm exhausted. Everyone around me could be sick and I'd be completely fine unless way stressed out or exhausted. Rest and take care of yourself and be sad even if in little ways that feel okay or tolerable...hugs...

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I only get sick when I'm exhausted.

I am always exhausted. Last year I maybe had one cold all year and one stomach virus. Hoping this will be my one cold. I definitely didn't have strength to fight it off.

be sad even if in little ways that feel okay or tolerable

I don't know if I know how to be sad in little ways. I just wrote in my journal and the stuff I was writing was so self-loathing. I know it stems from all that is being stored up inside, but I can't seem to get it out. I like the teddy bear idea. Wish I could carry him around with me. Maybe I need to have a pajama and stuffed animal day in my classroom so that wouldn't feel so strange...

 

[Chava]

What grade do you teach? That would be an awesome idea...they'd love it!

 

[AS6855]

I work in a school as well and we have had a few colleagues and a student die this year.
Each time, we have been offered counselling and been allowed to go to the funeral, which allowed closure.
We were also told that if we need we can take time off, that's what sick days are for. I have personally been to my doctor twice for a medical certificate for PTSD because, as my boss said to me, we all get sick in different ways.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Chava - I teach third grade. I am thinking I might make Friday pajama day because that is the day after the funeral.

@AS6855 - I am sorry that you and your school have experienced such losses. Is it a large school? I can take time off, but I have very few sick days. I can go beyond them, but my goal is to be out as little as possible and it is so early in the year I know there is still a long way to go. I have a note from last year about my PTSD on file. I should probably update it for this year.

 

[littlelostchild]

A Friday pyjama party sounds perfectly timed and makes your stuffed teddy totally ok in your work context, great idea. If any of the students go to the funeral, it also models for them how to work through their feelings of sadness.

Did the teacher who you lost ever teach your grade 3s? If so, you could have an area with an activity where students could make a picture or card for the family to be taken to the funeral. You could do this too. It again gives the students and you an outlet for your grief -positive modelling.

It will be difficult for you for a while and I wish you strength as you grieve.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@littlelostchild - Thanks for your thoughts. The teacher that died was a second grade teacher so many of the students had her last year. We colored butterflies on the day we gave the news. I still have some around so kids can color if they need to. Thanks for your kind thoughts.