Failed Attempt

[ghotiff]

Your fear of your T getting mad sounds like an old internal tape. None of the therapists I have met would get mad over something like this.

Thinking of you.

 

[Mystery]

Oh Gwhizz, so sorry to hear you are feeling so overwhelmed. I'm so glad that you are still here and had the courage to tell us too. I appreciate all your insights and honesty. You have helped me feel validated and welcome here, which I really needed. Thankyou for that. Rest and take everything you need, please keep us posted won't you.

 

[RussH]

@GHwizz I am glad you are doing better. I was really worried about you. Please know you are a valued member of the forum here, and I, for one, need you here. Stick with us and we will fight through this together. ok?

 

[shimmerz]

I hear two things consistently in your responses @GWhizz.

1. fear of looking for attention
2. fear of other's anger

These are such pervasive tools that abusers use so they won't be found out. Keeping the victim quiet so to speak. It also puts the victim into a freeze state - leaving one perhaps with a feeling that there is nothing that can be done as these fears overtake us.

I wonder if it wouldn't be a good idea to walk around the issue you don't want to directly talk about (your taking the pills) and instead go to your T asking that you look at the pattern of not being able to reach out for help and get to breaking the silence by facing whatever fears you may have regarding these two areas.

It is my guess that if those two issues were dealt with that you may well not fall into states that clearly are so overwhelming to you in silence and someone could catch you before you fall if you are overcome by feelings like this again. To me, the real issue is getting help before you walk down that dark path. Just a thought. Hope you are feeling better.

 

[silkleaves]

I'm so thankful your partner was there to take care of you, and that you are still with us! Fear really is a witch, and I agree with shimmerz as far as focusing on that and what led you to making your attempt. Is there another hospital or clinic maybe that you can go to for the tests and treatment? I hope that your T is able to talk with you soon.

 

[GWhizz]

@Recovery4Me thank you for your insight. Believe me, I feel so so terrible for putting this on my partner. He was literally wrestling me to the ground trying to get the pills out of my mouth while in tears. But at that time I just felt indifferent to any of it. I've been feeling quite trapped and disconnected for a while now - and you make a good point, I don't think my T is really taking me so seriously. I did ring her this morning and I don't think she quite knew how to take it. She asked me to come in on Friday and told me we'll get through it together, whatever we need to do. I guess I kind of down played it over the phone. Like, I never told her that if my partner hadn't walked in at that moment and stopped me, I would surely not be here today. I also didn't tell her how serious I was about it, the fact that I'd written my baby boy a letter telling him how much I loved him, how sorry I was that I couldn't be the mum he needed, and that I knew he would grow into an incredible adult no matter what, I can see everyday how great he is. I really really feel how much this hurts others. I do not want my son feeling to blame like I do for things in my childhood. I'm just at odds as to how to get over this seemingly gigantic clouded mountain blocking my view.

 

[ghotiff]

I'm just at odds as to how to get over this seemingly gigantic clouded mountain blocking my view.

A beautiful description.

I have made it back to my "old" self and am so grateful to not have that huge mountain in front of me anymore. I wish I knew what to say to get rid of your mountain for you but maybe knowing that I got rid of mine will help you find, (or hold on to) your hope that you will get there too.

Well done for reaching out to your T. Please remember that you are worthy of all help offered and if you need anything that we might be able to give, please do not hesitate to ask us. We are here for you.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I am most certainly proud of you for being courageous and calling your T. My Mom would never admit to her failed attempts...and she was a psychiatric nurse. If she had told she'd lose her job: never occurred to her "we" would be abandoned. My sister eventually ran away under the stress, was placed in a foster home and raped by the foster Dad parent.

I do not want my son feeling to blame like I do for things in my childhood

((((Oh GWhizz))) Your baby son WILL feel abandoned, (if you commit suicide) unless you personally make it your mission to get better! No matter how tough it is...make it your mission to heal! You can give your child a beautiful life and have a wonderful heart to share!

Protect your cub GWHizz. Get well (((hugs)))! You can do it for the future of yourself and your family. Be fierce and roar!! This is the moment you fight all those nasty things thrown your way AND Take Back Your Right to Live!!!

You are the mother of a innocent & tiny gift of joy! You are also the owner of a beautiful soul inside of yourself. It is the time to be the spiritual warrior you were always meant to be! Beautiful, whole and fierce! You can choose to conquer the past and build a future!

Here are our hands and hearts:


take a hand and build full promise of you and your families Life!


ps...Want to feel more than numb? *Then look deep into your baby's eyes. The brain is wired to flood with dopamine and a chemical that bonds us to protect as we look into those over-sized eyes of the child. Breathe deep and know, that bonding does flood us and sometimes frighten us.

However, trying to fight the fear of bonding, rocking to sleep and loving my child saved my life, soul and mental state. Never had I felt so ferocious and strong. You will feel this in time, once you make up your mind to allow yourself the right to be a MOM. Xxxx

 

[GWhizz]

Thank you all for your encouraging support. I'm sorry I haven't been able to reply individually, I'm still going through withdrawals, and still overwhelmed. I am only just now processing and registering the full potential impact of Monday night, and that my partner saved my life. I will do my best to reach out to you guys from now on. I just couldn't stop the rash compulsion that led me to feel it was my best option on Monday. I really really appreciate all the input here. And I do apologise if my actions have upset anyone close to others who've made attempts. I myself understand it all very well - my older brother took his life and it is a very common culture both in my family and among young people where I live. I'm not making excuses. I understand it was the selfish easy option in a lot of ways. And believe me, I would not be sat here typing this message if I didn't want to live

 

[Recovery4Me]

((GWhizz))
It is a good sign to see you post again and for you to 'feel' overwhelmed actually because it means you are attempting to feel rather than numb out. jmho Next step is of course is to defuse the toxicity and remap with your T.

I might have gotten some of your other posts confused but I thought I read that you were doing some serious therapy work a bit ago with EDMR. For me, one of my thoughts during that therapy time was that I might literally implode. :speechless: It was very overwhelming for blocked or hidden fragments of the trauma to pop up evasively.

Perhaps, you are now ready to deal with the past and kick it's arsh? I am proud of you for choosing life.:hug:

 

[GWhizz]

I might have gotten some of your other posts confused but I thought I read that you were doing some serious therapy work a bit ago with EDMR. For me, one of my thoughts during that therapy time was that I might literally implode. :speechless: It was very overwhelming for blocked or hidden fragments of the trauma to pop up evasively.

Perhaps, you are now ready to deal with the past and kick it's arsh? I am proud of you for choosing life.:hug:

I think you have mixed me up, I haven't done any EMDR yet, but that's okay. I've only been in therapy about 7months and I guess it just got too much too fast. That and other factors of course!

I'm finally getting other professional support beyond my therapist so I hope it is a step in the direction of kicking this in the arse lol

 

[Recovery4Me]

((GWhizz ))
Keep us posted and it is good to see you lol.;)